


Trading Spaces: Wizard Style

by WolfAndHound_Archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Post-Sirius in Azkaban, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2004-08-22
Packaged: 2018-05-18 19:46:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 55,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5940952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfAndHound_Archivist/pseuds/WolfAndHound_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two teams, two designers, two rooms, two days, one nightmare! "Trading Spaces" comes to Hogwarts and a certain werewolf, ex convict and Potions Master dabble in dueling design and disaster.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dumbledore's Dilemma

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Lassenia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Wolf and Hound](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Wolf_and_Hound), which was created to make stories posted to the Sirius_Black_and_Remus_Lupin Yahoo! mailing list easier to find. However, even though I still love the fandom, I am no longer active in it and do not have the time to maintain it. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in December 2015. I posted an announcement with Open Doors, but we may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Wolf and Hound collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wolfandhound/profile).

Albus Dumbledore sat in his office, idly twirling the wrapper from a sherbet lemon between his elegant fingers. It had been a long day, one that actually called for much more than sweets. He would have liked to have poured himself a tall glass of some of the premium single-malt Scotch that currently resided in his glass cabinet, but he had a meeting with Minerva in less than a half hour.

Removing his half-moon spectacles and closing his yes, he leaned back in his chair, rubbing the bridge of his nose. Really, the behaviour exhibited by his Potions Master and his Defence Against the Darks Arts professor's lover was more than childish. Although Remus tried to keep the sparring to a minimum, the tension between Severus and Sirius was almost palpable. Neither could pass the other in the Great Hall without some scathing remark, which was invariably met with an equally barbed reply. Merlin only knew how many hexes had been narrowly avoided by Remus' quick thinking. However, even the normally reserved werewolf could come up with some rather interesting retorts when pressed. He hadn't been a Marauder for nothing.

Albus groaned. The first year students often showed more maturity than these three supposedly mature men.What he would give to be able to mete out detentions to them. It would certainly give them some time to think about their actions.

Letting his mind drift, the Headmaster tried to think of what he could do that would help the three antagonists learn to get along with one another. Or, at the very least, tolerate each other's presence without hurling various hexes.

Suddenly, the old man smiled to himself, running a hand over his beard. Of course. It just might work. His delighted chuckle caused Fawkes to stir upon his perch and turn a beady eye towards his master.

Dumbledore picked up his favourite quill, Summoned a roll of parchment from across the room and began writing.

~~

The large tawny Hogwarts owl had just departed when a sharp rap sounded on the Headmaster's door.

"Ahhh, Minerva, right on time, as always. Do come in." Albus smiled at his Deputy Headmistress as he waved her over to a large, comfortable chair across from his desk. "May I offer you some tea and biscuits? Perhaps a sweet?"

"No, thank you, Albus. I'd like to get right to business, if you please. This day has been one for the books, let me assure you, and I would very much like to retire to my chambers as soon as possible."

Professor McGonagall shook her dark head. "I can't **tell** you how many points I took from those Houses today, not to mention how many detentions I was forced to give. And that was just the children. I will not even go **into** the problems that Severus Snape and Sirius Black caused me today. Really, they act as though they are still in school themselves, not the adults that they are supposed to be."

Albus smiled, his blue eyes twinkling behind his glasses.

"Don't tell me that you find their antics amusing. They should be setting an example for the students, not behaving like spoiled...."

"Minerva, Minerva," Dumbledore interrupted, holding his hand up to stop her tirade. "I have already thought of something that just might work."

"And, just what do you propose to do, Headmaster? Frankly, the only thing that **I** can think of is to cast Petrificus Totalus on them and leave them in an unused corridor somewhere," McGonagall said with a sniff.

"Well, my dear Professor, I would hope that we shouldn't have to resort to such drastic measures as that. No, I have already put my plan into motion. Do you, by any chance, know of a programme called 'Trading Spaces'? I believe that it started from an American Muggle television programme, although now there is a wizarding version."

"Not that horrid show hosted by that wretched Seymore Fancie, or whatever his name is?" Minerva looked confused. "The one in which those two annoying designers go into a person's home and redecorate it with the help of the other poor soul's friends?"

"The very one." Albus smiled broadly.

"What on earth does that have to do with the situation between Severus, Remus and Sirius?" Realization began to dawn upon the Transfiguration professor as she watched Dumbledore's smile grow even broader.

"Oh. Oh! Albus, you can't **possibly** be suggesting that....that.... Remus and Sirius redecorate Severus' quarters?" She glared at the old man.

"Right in one! And Severus shall redecorate Sirius and Remus' home. I think that it is just the thing to get them to become better acquainted with one another. Learn to work together. We shall all be fighting Voldemort together and we do not need this kind of internal sparring. Perhaps this experience will help them to learn more about each other, tolerate one another's differences."

McGonagall rolled her eyes. "Or, perhaps it will simply result in them killing each other."

Dumbledore chuckled. "Well, I shan't think that it will go quite that far. I do, however, expect that it will provide for quite a good show." He began unwrapping another sherbet lemon.

The dark-haired witch simply shook her head in amazement. She only knew that she wanted to be as far away as possible when the Headmaster broke the news to those three about this half-baked scheme. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~The Not-So-Ideal Ideal Solution~~

What's this all about anyway, d'ya reckon?" Sirius' strong voice echoed in the hall, reverberating outside the Arithmancy classroom.

Remus grasped his mate's arm, shaking his tawny head furiously, "Shhh, Padfoot. The third years are taking an exam."

Sirius glanced over Remus' head at the room of students. All, save one curly-headed blonde boy, were engrossed in the parchments spread before them. The boy glanced up at the two wizards in the hallway and Sirius flashed a wide grin and a wink at him, before mouthing, 'Good Luck.'

Remus smiled bemusedly and shook his head. "The perennial charmer. You never give up, do you, love?"

Sirius turned his laughing eyes on his lover. "Give up?! Moony! Thou speaketh profane words! Come now, must I remind you of the Marauder's Mantra?"

Remus chuckled and raked a hand back through his silver-glossed hair, amber eyes gleaming with amusement. "No, darling, I remember. 'Never Give Up. Never Give In. Always Live It Up. Always a Friend.'"

"TA!" Sirius grinned, nodding his head. "Spoken like a true Marauder!"

"Why thank you, dear Padfoot."

"You're most welcome, Moony."

"I should have known it would be the vexatious vulgarians," a deep, smooth voice purred behind them and Sirius turned, his lip curled in a sneer, as he regarded Severus Snape.

"Snape! You're just jealous that Moony and I have each other to be vulgar with," Sirius spat, as Remus rolled his eyes, sighing.

"Is that the best you can do, Black? 'Jealous'? Very tired... you perpetually use that same doltish retort to almost everything I say. It's very disappointing," Severus muttered.

"What's disappointing, Snape? Your sex life?" Sirius rejoined, eyes flashing silver fire.

"Alright, that's enough, both of you." Noticing Snape's darkening scowl, Remus quickly spoke up, laying a restraining hand on Sirius' chest.

"You see? Once again, the same retort. All variations on the same theme. At least try a little originality, man," Severus muttered, sweeping past Remus and Sirius in a flurry of elegant sable robes.

Sirius gritted his teeth, his wand hand itching.

"Nuh huh!" Remus quickly reprimanded, his cool hand sliding down to cover his lover's.

Sirius exhaled loudly and turned his burning eyes up at Remus. "Pleeeasse, Moony, just one little hex! Nothing major... maybe I'll just kink his hair a bit."

"NO, Sirius. Leave it alone. As it is, McGonagall is ready to string the three of us from the rafters. There is absolutely no need to speed that process along. And... in fact, I have a grave suspicion that it is for this very reason that we've been summoned to the Headmaster's office.

Sirius frowned. "Surely not. Dumbledore has far more pressing things to concern him at the moment than the three of us sniping at each other."

"Correction. The two of you," Remus chuckled, holding up one long, pale finger.

"Now, Moony, I beg to disagree. I seem to recall you calling a certain Potions Master a, and I quote, a 'damnable, vainglorious, hawk-nosed fiend' last week," Sirius laughed, arching an ebony brow.

Remus flushed. "Well... okay, there is that. But... well, he was rather begging for it, wasn't he? I mean, extolling the virtues of Slytherin silver and fairly motivating Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle to purposefully brush by me with those horrid silver serpent bracelets they now wear. Disgusting!"

Sirius smiled and pulled his mate into a warm embrace, burying his nose in the fragrant mass of Remus' honey toned hair. He kissed Remus just above his ear, and murmured, "I know, love. Gits - every last slithering one of them!"

Remus sighed and closed his eyes, returning his lover's embrace. "Come on," he murmured, "let's not be late for Dumbledore."

Sirius nodded and pulled away but not before leaning in to press a brief but firm sweet kiss upon his mate's soft, warm lips.

~~

The door to the Headmaster's office was ajar and the two wizards paused at the murmur of conversation that met their sharp ears as they approached.

"Snape is in there," Sirius muttered.

Remus nodded. "I figured as much. So is Minerva. Well, come on then, Padfoot. Let's face the proverbial music, shall we?"

Sirius nodded glumly, following his mate who had trained his face into his usual mask of pleasant calm.

"Ahhh, Remus, Sirius, please do come in," Albus said, waving his hand at the two chairs in front of him beside Minerva and Severus.

"Good morning, Headmaster, Professor, Professor," Remus spoke pleasantly, nodding to each in turn.

"Cheers Headmaster, Minerva," Sirius grinned, diamond-bright eyes sparkling merrily at his purposeful neglecting to greet Snape.

Minerva nodded tersely at both and Severus' shoulders stiffened as he turned his obsidian gaze away from the newcomers to stare outside the lofty window, noting that the gray skies seemed to reflect his general mood.

Remus flashed a brief warning look at Sirius and Albus shook his head, sighing wearily, as he lifted his wand and spell-shut the heavy oak doors.

Remus and Sirius sat down in their seats, both training their eyes on the venerable snowy-bearded wizard before them.

Albus smiled and templed his age-weathered hands before him.

"Gentlemen and lady, it has come to my attention that the level of animosity between you - Remus, Sirius and Severus - has become rather a distraction and a hindrance to the school environment. As you all well know, I place a premium importance on providing an open, accepting, **friendly** , if you will, environment in which our students can excel. That being the case, the... ahh... shall we say, disruptions the three of you are causing have given me quite some pause for consideration and I want you all to reach some sort of truce to the constant bickering, if you please."

Remus flushed and bit his lower lip hard, feeling all of 14 years old again, and he stared down morosely at his lap.

Sirius swallowed and nodded slightly, his gaze darting to Severus who simply trained his steely gaze on the Headmaster, his expression betraying no hint of whatever emotion he may have been feeling.

Albus smiled again and continued, "I highly respect each of you and, well, I think it is no secret that I'm quite fond of you, and it is for that very reason that I am proposing a unique solution to the antagonizing situation. In fact, I rather think that you might even enjoy what I propose."

"If you'll forgive me, Headmaster," Minerva interrupted, "but... well, I wouldn't **quite** go that far."

Albus laughed, his forget-me-not eyes twinkling behind his spectacles. "Ahh yes, Minerva is not overly fond of my little proposal," he winked. "But, I still want to try this. I think it will be a lesson in tolerance and respect for all of you. And, I rather think it will be a bit of fun really."

Remus looked up hopefully at that, smiling at the Headmaster.

Albus returned the scholarly werewolf's tentative smile, hoping that smile would still be there once he gave them the specifics of what he had planned for the lot of them.

Sirius' leg jumped up and down in a combination of nerves and excitement and his eyes darted from Dumbledore to the other three.

Severus' posture stiffened even more. _Fun? This was no matter of little concern. Anything the aged Wizard decided was **fun** usually meant an activity suggestive of the joys of pickling flobberworms_

Albus lifted up the small tray of sherbet lemons on his desk and offered it to the three before him. "Sherbet lemon?"

All three shook their heads. Albus shrugged and smiled, replacing the tray. He then smiled again and leaned forward. "Severus, Remus, Sirius, are the three of you familiar with a programme called 'Trading Spaces'?"

Severus curled his lip up in an elegant sneer, his shoulders stiffening to such an extent that Minerva worried that his spine would snap. She knew he, most of all, would instantly sense this was something he would wish to have nothing to do with.

Sirius laughed. "Moony loves that programme!"

Remus flushed and darted a quick irritated glance at his mate as he sank lower in his seat.

"Really? Well, now, that's excellent. Remus, you should definitely appreciate my idea then," Albus remarked.

"I wouldn't bet a galleon on that, Albus," Minerva sniffed primly.

Albus waved his hand impatiently and grinned. "Just this morning, I contacted the host of the 'Trading Spaces' programme ... ahhh... what is that gentleman's name... oh yes, Seymore Fancie..."

At that Severus groaned and he leaned forward covering his eyes with a long, elegant hand.

Sirius cast a glance over towards his fellow ebony-haired wizard and snickered.

Albus continued, "Mr. Fancie has kindly agreed to **assist** us."

The three wizards regarded the Headmaster steadily, all merriment dissipating.

"Oh, come now, gentlemen, why such long faces? Here is what we are proposing. Sirius and Remus, you will be redecorating and redesigning Severus' personal chambers."

Severus gasped loudly, causing the other four to look over at him in alarm. His normally sallow complexion had gone livid and he looked as though he might explode at any moment.

"What?! Forgive me, Headmaster, but I disagree with this wholeheartedly. In fact, I would go so far as to say that is ... if you'll pardon my impudence... that it is one of the most asinine ideas you've come up with in quite some time and that is saying a lot. There is no way that I will allow those two.... **lunatics** to come within **sight** of my living quarters. No. Absolutely not!" Snape's black eyes were flashing dangerously.

Meanwhile Sirius fell into a giddy paroxysm of laughter and Remus too could not suppress his own amusement at the suggestion.

"I think that's a marvelous idea," Sirius barked gleefully.

"NO!" Severus snapped, rising from his seat and glaring imperiously down at the other two wizards. "You will **not** be permitted to enter my chambers. I forbid it."

"Severus, Severus... please, do calm yourself," Albus said hurriedly. "Please sit down. I haven't finished telling you all of this yet."

Remus' face darkened, his mouth falling open as he realized exactly the tidbit of information the elderly wizard had yet to impart. His amber eyes widened and he turned his shocked expression on Sirius who was still merrily smiling.

Sirius beamed back at Remus but at the worried look on his mate's face, he sobered.

Albus continued. "Now, as I was saying, Remus and Sirius will be redesigning Severus' living quarters, and Severus, you and Minerva will be redecorating Remus' and Sirius' cottage."

"No way!" Sirius barked jumping from his seat, shaking off Remus' restraining hand on his arm. "Please, sir, tell me this is a joke!"

"Not so amusing anymore, is it, Black?" Severus purred, arching his eyebrow loftily. He had managed to regain his composure, at least somewhat.

Sirius snarled at him and Albus stood up. "Sirius, sit down. Now, I'm sorry if you four do not agree with my decision, but ... well, it's final and it will be done, so I suggest we all have a little fun with it. I truly think it will be an exciting, dare I say, educational little adventure. "

Albus regarded the four in front of him. Sirius' face was darkened and he glowered beneath heavy brows. Remus worried at his lip, his hands twisting a bit in his lap as he cast anxious glances at his mate. Minerva sat stiff and looked rather perturbed about the whole affair, and Severus' face was drawn up into a sneer as his jaw clenched, fingers grasping tightly unto the end of his chair.

Albus sighed and continued. "Mr. Fancie and two of his decorators will be joining us later tonight. At that time, Severus and Minerva will accompany one of the decorators to Remus' and Sirius' home, and Sirius and Remus will go with the other decorator to Severus' chambers. Then you will have two days and two nights to redecorate and redesign the living spaces as you so choose, but, working closely with the decorator. You will be filmed for WTV as well, so do be on your best behavior and make Hogwarts proud."

Remus blinked worriedly and leaned forward, grasping the edge of Dumbledore's desk. "Tonight? As in... a few hours tonight?"

"Unless you have a different sort of time schedule than the rest of us, Lupin, I would say that is exactly what the Headmaster means," Severus snapped.

Albus raised a hand up toward Severus. "Now, now... no more sniping, if you please. Yes, Remus, tonight... as in a few hours."

"Oh, well, I've got to go home then and pick up a bit. The place is a disaster," Remus quickly answered, his face flushing crimson red as his mind drifted over the image of the lube tube left on the bedside table and the morning dishes in the sink. He was fairly certain that a few of their favourite 'toys' were likely lying about on the sofa as well.

"Don't you have a class, love?" Sirius asked softly.

Remus nodded and turned a stricken expression on Sirius. "You'll have to do it then, Sirius."

Sirius nodded. Remus leaned in. "And don't forget to put **everything** away," he whispered urgently.

Albus chuckled as if he knew of what the two wizards were referring. "Alright then, let's plan on assembling back here this evening at 4:30 p.m. We'll have a nice repast and then we'll begin," he smiled as he stood up, holding out his arm for Fawkes to alight on.

For a long moment the four regarded their Headmaster with various expressions of worry, anger, resentment and irritation before they finally rose.

Severus swept by them without sparing any of them a glance, muttering darkly under his breath, jaw working furiously.

Minerva sighed and nodded towards Albus. "I'll see you all tonight," she muttered, smoothing her robes and shaking her head as she followed her colleague out the door.

Sirius and Remus were last to go. Remus turned pleading eyes up at Albus and the elder wizard smiled. "Oh Remus, please don't turn those big, sad eyes up at me. I would have thought that you, as a fan of the programme, would be most excited about this idea."

Remus shook his head and murmured in a slightly distracted voice, "I do watch it, which... which is how I know the sorts of things that can go wrong and the sorts of resulting mortified reactions. One poor witch fainted dead-away when they turned her living room into a spa... oh dear..."

"A spa, huh? Well, there are worse things," Sirius answered with a shrug, sliding his arm around his mate's shoulders.

"Yes, Siri, that's exactly what I am afraid of," Remus answered, his face paling.


	2. The Meeting, The Rules and the Robes

A few minutes before the planned dinner meeting that evening, Severus Snape stood outside the entrance to Dumbledore's office. With a heavy sigh, he leaned against the gargoyle that guarded the entrance to the winding staircase leading to the Headmaster's tower.

Merlin, how in the hell did he get himself into this ridiculous situation? Of course he knew the answer--that damned Sirius Black and his pet werewolf. They never failed to irritate him to no end, invariably causing him to lose his self-control. It had been the same when they were in school together. It was Black's endless goading and tormenting that had led him to the Shrieking Shack on that infamous night.

Now, the taunts had resulted in him about to be humilated before the entire wizarding world on the Wizarding Television Network. Well, perhaps 'the entire wizarding world' was stretching things a bit--it would only be the idiotic imbeciles who bothered watching such inane rubbish, but still.......

"So, Sevvie," came a mocking voice from behind him, causing him to whirl about. "Are you so hard up for a date that you're now hitting up the statuary?"

" **Sirius**!" Remus hissed and punched his lover in the arm. "Try to act your age, for once."

Snape growled menacingly. "Oh, I wouldn't hold my breath for **that** , Lupin. Well, unless you're talking about his **mental** age, which I would estimate to be somewhere in the range of, oh, about four."

"Tut, tut. Bit testy, are we, **Sevvie**?" Sirius' blue eyes sparkled with a devilish gleam. "Not looking forward to having that cave of yours redecorated?"

"That 'cave', as you called it, happens to be my home. And, no, I am **not** looking forward to having the likes of you two traipsing around my personal affairs. I cannot begin to imagine what hideous taste the two of you possess, although judging from your choice in companionship, I'd say not much." Severus shot a malicious look toward Sirius.

"Oh, and by the way. If you call me 'Sevvie' once more, I will hex you such that you will not be having sex again. Ever. And considering that you two can't go more than five minutes without groping one another, I'd suspect it would result in you both imploding in a matter of minutes."

With that, Severus swept past them with a swirl of his black cloak, snapped "Cockroach cluster!" at the gargoyle and disappeared up the staircase.

Red-faced, Sirius was in the process of raising his wand when Remus laid a hand on his shoulder. "Not now, love. You know that we made a promise to Albus that we would **try** to make this work."

Muttering under his breath, Sirius reluctantly put his wand back into his sleeve.

"I don't believe I caught what you said, Padfoot," purred Remus as he tried to soothe his hot-tempered lover by kissing his shoulder.

"I said, what would that slimy git know about having sex? He probably hasn't had any in the last thirty years!" Somewhat placated, he grinned down at the mirthful look on Remus' face. "I doubt he could even entice that gargoyle into his bed!"

Laughing, they clasped hands and started up the stairs together.

~~

Long before they reached the door to Dumbledore's rooms, they heard the sound of shrill laughter. Turning to one another, they each smirked as they said "Seymore Fancie" at the same time.

As they entered the office, which had been transformed into a lovely dining room complete with a large table, comfortable chairs and a stunning centerpiece, both men quickly took in the sight of the other guests.

Albus was carrying on an animated conversation with none other than Seymore Fancie himself. The rather pudgy man was a somewhat disconcerting combination of Gilderoy Lockhart's over-the-top exuberence, but with Cornelius Fudge's fashion sense. Tonight, he was dressed in electric blue robes which featured twinkling images of rainbows on the sleeves. His bright blond hair was pulled into a short ponytail, and he was fairly bouncing as he related some story to Dumbledore about his latest show.

Minerva was over against the fireplace, holding a goblet of what Remus presumed to be wine, although she looked as though she wished it were something significantly stronger.

She was being assailed by the two designers who would be working with them on the project. Both men were chattering nonstop, waving their hands about and arguing about the rather disgusting shade of powder blue that some witch had insisted on colouring her best friend's walls with on a previous show. McGonagall was valiantly trying to appear interested, but both Sirius and Remus thought her expression was more along the lines of 'Merlin, if only I had some Floo powder right now'.

Sirius nudged Remus. "Where's Snape?" he whispered. At a nod of Remus' tawny head, Sirius glanced over toward a dark corner. Severus Snape was gripping his goblet in what looked like an attempt to keep from hurling it at anyone stupid enough to attempt to engage him in conversation.

"Trust him to find the darkest corner in the room, the old bat," Sirius smirked. "I wonder if he has **anything** in his wardrobe that doesn't look as though it belongs in a funeral parlour?"

"I guess we'll be finding out soon enough," Remus laughed. "Paddy! I know that look! Don't even think about it. We're only supposed to change the decor of the room, not rifle through Severus' dresser drawers!"

Sirius pulled a disgusted face. "Don't worry. I don't even **want** to know what he keeps in his drawers!" Suddenly he realized what he had just said, and turned crimson. "God, I didn't mean that! I just meant..."

"Shhh, I know what you meant!" Remus was trying hard not to break into gales of laughter over Sirius' comment. "My drawers are the only ones I want **you** interested in rifling through, love!"

Sirius winked salaciously, which only caused Remus to laugh that much harder.

"Well, now. It seems as though the last of our party has arrived!" Dumbledore clapped his hands to get everyone's attention. "Sirius, Remus, do come on in and get comfortable. Would you like some wine?"

After they had been presented with goblets of a fine merlot, Dumbledore indicated that everyone should find their spots at the elegantly appointed table. The little crystal dragons holding the name cards strutted about importantly, blowing minute puffs of smoke as they waved their delicate wings.

Remus and Sirius were seated together, across from Severus, who had the supreme misfortune of being seated beside one of the designers. The effeminate little wizard, however, seemed quite delighted at the prospect and immediately began making small talk and batting his long eyelashes at the Potions Master.

Sirius nearly choked on his wine at the sight of Snape, who looked absolutely murderous. If the greasy git managed to make it through the meal without cursing or killing the annoying man, it would be a miracle. He hoped that Dumbledore had had the foresight to confiscate Snape's wand at the door, but there were still the table knives. And, at the rate the designer was causing Snape's lips to tighten in pure hatred, he would not put it above Snape to attempt to cut the poor fellow's heart out with a spoon.

"Well, now! Before we tuck in to enjoy this delicious feast, I do believe that introductions are in order!" Dumbledore beamed from his seat at the head of the table. "Seymore Fancie is, of course, the host of 'Trading Spaces', and will be helping us in this most entertaining venture." He presented the blue-clad wizard to his left, who waved merrily at the rest of the table.

"Minerva McGonagall is the Deputy Headmistress of Hogwarts and also teaches Transfiguration. Severus Snape is our esteemed Potions Master, Remus Lupin our Defence Against the Dark Arts professor and Sirius Black is his life partner and is also employed as an Auror for the Ministry." He waved toward each in turn.

"And, the two decorators who have so generously agreed to help with this effort are Kyle Whipplesworth," nodding to the discreetly dressed man next to Remus, "and Todd Snogwell," indicating the effusive wizard currently sizing up Severus. "Now, I do intend to enjoy this food before it gets cold!"

"Oooooh, Sirius **Black**! Not the infamous escaped convict and wrongly accused murderer!!" squealed Todd, whose attention was momentarily diverted from Severus. "Why, it is so **exciting** to meet you! I really **must** get a picture and autograph before this is all over! Oh, and I'd **love** to hear all about your experience in Azkaban! It must be an absolutely **dreadful** place. Perhaps you should pen a book--I'm sure it would be a best-seller!"

Sirius managed a polite smile, but tried to ignore the excited little man. Remus squeezed his hand beneath the table. Sirius, although cleared of all charges for some time now, was still bothered by the lingering notoriety that tended to follow him.

Seeing that Sirius was not interested in divulging all of the juicy details of his sordid past, Todd quickly returned to Severus, who looked as though he'd rather have imbibed an entire jug of Skele-Gro in one sitting.

"Ooooh, what exquisite fabric, so rich and heavy!" he gushed, running his fingers over the sleeve of Severus' robes. Completely ignoring the Glare of Death that had terrified scores of Hogwarts students, the oblivious little wizard continued. "I just **love** a man who can wear all black! It's just so elegant. And what a statement! You are so **totally** going with that 'I'm In Charge, Don't Mess With Me' look. Am I right? Well, it just **suits** you!"

The rest of the meal continued along in that same vein. Sirius and Remus, much to their surprise, found that they quite enjoyed chatting with Kyle. He was a pleasant young man with a droll sense of humour and an obvious streak of mischief. He delighted in recounting tales of previous experiences with 'Trading Spaces' participants, especially those which involved quite shocking changes to the person's home. Sirius and Remus felt as though they would be having more fun with Kyle in redecorating Severus' dungeons than they'd previously thought.

Severus, however, was even more miserable than he'd anticipated. Todd Whats-his-name was an absolute idiot who couldn't take a hint if it hit him over the head with a broomstick. Severus had tried every sneer, every glare and every waspish remark he could think of to get the prat to shut up, but to no avail. The little man prattled on and on until finally Severus closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on something, anything else. Nothing worked. The shrill gibberish penetrated his mind like the yammering of a deathly ill Fwooper.

After what seemed like an eternity, the last of the dessert dishes disappeared from the table. Small glasses of after-dinner sherry replaced them, and Dumbledore cleared his throat to get everyone's attention.

"Ahhh, I must present my compliments to the house elves for that fabulous meal. And now, I believe that I shall turn over the floor to Mr Fancie, as he will be explaining how this whole process will come about. Seymore?"

Seymore Fancie stood up, gazing at the rest of the table with a huge, toothy smile that disturbingly reminded Severus of Gilderoy Lockhart. He groaned at that offensive thought as he turned his attention toward the genial wizard. At least it served to put an end to Todd's endless stream of drivel.

The round little wizard held out his arms, making the rainbows on his sleeves catch and glimmer in the candlelight. Seeming to rather enjoy the glittery effect, Seymore waved his arms about, beaming jovially. He then clapped his hands together, violet eyes twinkling, and favored his dinner companions with a wink and another beaming smile.

"Thank you, Headmaster Dumbledore!" he cooed, high voice trilling on the air. "Good evening, good evening, my fine lady and gents! I must say, it is a rare pleasure to be joining you here on the prestigious grounds of Hogwarts. Albus was kind enough to show me about your school today and I must admit to a bit of envy of the students and faculty here. I, myself, am a Beauxbatons alum and while I do dearly adore my alma mater, I'm afraid it rather does not have the fine, old-world, gothic charm that Hogwarts does. And I am rather an aficionado of old-world charm."

He indicated the stone walls and the sumptuous tapestry, strolling over to run one pudgy hand over the rich woven fabric. "Beautiful!" he trilled, sighing softly, eyes closing as he murmured, "There is no greater joy in the world than surrounding oneself with such elegance and beauty."

Sirius snorted at that which caused Remus to grab tighter onto his hand, favoring his mate with a warning glance. Sirius smirked and rolled his eyes as Seymore continued on with his enthusiastic rambling.

"Ahhh yes, I was so thrilled, utterly gobsmacked in fact, when I got word that you were interested in participating in our humble little decorating programme! Imagine! Two esteemed Hogwarts professors and their significant others (at this he smiled flirtatiously at Sirius, winking briefly at the gorgeous ebony-haired wizard) wished to be on the show! How perfectly glorious! I just want to take the opportunity now to extend my most sincere gratitude to all of you-- Headmaster Dumbledore, Deputy Headmistress McGonagall, Professors Snape and Lupin and Mr Black-- for allowing us into your school and into your homes and giving us the opportunity to make your decorating dreams come true!" Seymore beamed again, rosy cheeks shining.

Severus slid his hands down below the table to grasp tightly unto his chair, a sort of preventive measure to keep him from picking up his fork and hurling it at the grinning rainbow-hued fop. His jaw worked furiously, clenching at the injustice of all of this inanity. He felt the heavy gaze of the effeminate idiot that Dumbledore had so uncharitably seated beside him resting on him and he turned his dark gaze on the man who simply simpered back at him, causing Severus' gorge to rise uncomfortably. He narrowed his black eyes briefly before turning back to stare at the colourful imbecile who still merrily prattled on.

"Well now, I suppose I should tell you about the little rules of our programme. Don't fret, dear lads and lady, they are just a few minor little dictates. Now, first, let me ask you this. Have you ever been in someone's home and pondered what would happen if you stripped, ripped and painted as you pleased?"

"No," Sirius mumbled, "can't say as I have really."

"Shhhh..." Remus whispered out of the corner of his mouth as he smiled pleasantly at Mr Fancie.

"Now is your opportunity to find out what miraculous changes can be wrought with a bright wash of paint and a few pillows tossed here and there. I understand, Professor Lupin, that you are a fan of our little show?"

Remus flushed and nodded. "Errr... yes, I mean... yes, I do watch it when I can..."

"He loves it!" Sirius added enthusiastically. "He refuses to leave the house or do anything, and I do mean **anything** , if your show is on. Never misses it."

Remus flushed even brighter, his nails digging into his lover's hand, causing Sirius to yelp and pull his hand free, favoring the golden-eyed werewolf with a hurt look. "What, Moony? It's true."

Remus laughed weakly, his eyes catching a brief glance of the unmistakable hint of mirth, **mirth** (!) that briefly appeared in his colleague's eyes, brightening up Snape's sallow features. _Well, there goes Sirius' long-held theory that Severus' face would crack into a thousand pieces if he ever attempted a smile_ he thought glumly.

"That is marvelous, Professor! And, in fact, I'd like to present you with your very own 'Trading Spaces' robe and an autographed photo of myself, Todd and Kyle to adorn your new mantle!" Seymore crowed as he reached for his wand - a gaudy gold one - and waved it about his hands. "There," he said proudly, now holding a huge framed, vivid photo of him and the decorators that beamed and twinkled merrily out from the photo. He also held a bright purple robe, festooned with colourful paint cans and rollers. Smiling, he brought these over to Remus, who gulped.

"Errr... oh, ahhh... thank you, Mr Fancie. That's errr...kind of you," Remus stammered, as Sirius bit the inside of his cheek to keep from doubling over in laughter.

"Certainly, Professor. Now, I must insist that you wear this gorgeous robe for your illustrious wizarding television debut! You'll look smashing in it and the bright color will highlight the gold of that silky hair and those brilliant amber eyes of yours!"

Remus' mouth trembled as he tried in vain to smile. "Oh... ahhh... yes, again, I can't tell you how... how unique a gift this is. Thank you ever so. But... you know, it is such an exquisite robe, I would hate like everything to get anything on it, so... I'll just wear my shabby old robes - they'll be fine to muck around in."

"You best not be mucking around in my quarters," Severus muttered.

"Nonsense!" Seymore chuckled shaking out the robe. "It's self-cleaning, Professor, so all you have to do is give it a shake and wallah! The stain is all gone! Poof!"

_**Poof** is exactly what I'll look like if I have to wear that ruddy thing_ Remus thought darkly.

"Yeah, Moony, so if you happen to fall in a bucket of paint and get a spot on your arse, you can just shake it, your arse that is, and **poof** the stain is gone!" Sirius grinned, ignoring the daggers shot at him from gold-flamed eyes.

"I'm so pleased you approve, Mr Black, because as a matter of fact, we have a robe for you as well," Seymore smiled.

With a flourish and a pop, another robe appeared, very like Remus' except that it was a vivid aqua shade and bore small pillows and candle designs on the smooth shining fabric. Sirius blanched and Remus smirked.

"Now, that's lovely, Padfoot!" Remus purred, reaching out to stroke the material. "It'll pick up the lovely blue of those striking eyes of yours!"

Said blue eyes widened as Sirius stared at the gaudy horror that was tossed into his arms.

"Now, Professors Snape and McGonagall, I don't want you to think I've left the two of you out of this little present exchange," Seymore began before Severus rudely interrupted him.

"That's quite alright, Fancie. I refuse to wear anything but my own attire. It's a small but firm rule of mine," he responded, voice clipped and brooking no argument.

"Oh, but Professor, we procured a wonderful fuchsia robe just for you... see!"

Severus gasped at the bright nightmarish, garish fabric festooned with tiny flower bouquets and chairs. "NO!" he spat, rising from his chair. "I refuse! Headmaster, I'm telling you now, I absolutely refuse to wear this gaudy, horrific, effeminate piece of rubbish! I would rather go nude than wear that!"

"Oooh, yes, I second that motion," Todd cooed, batting his eyes at Severus. "Would be a ratings hit, I'm certain."

A vein popped trembling in Severus' pale forehead, obsidian eyes flashing dangerously.

Sirius could no longer control the laughter he had been holding inside since seeing the pink robe intended for Snape. He suddenly snorted and guffawed, covering his eyes with his hands, broad shoulders shaking with laughter.

"I think Black would look better in that robe, especially since he finds it so bloody entertaining," Severus spat.

Sirius jerked his head up at that, the merriment fading from him instantly. His wand hand itched again.

Remus shook his head. "Oh no, blue is definitely more Sirius' color, Severus. But... if it bothers you so badly, I'll wear the blasted pink robe and you can have my purple one."

Severus' lip curled up in a sneer as he regarded the purple, glittering robe. His eyes drifted over the multi-hued paint cans. Ugly. But not quite as sissified as his floral bedecked atrocity. And, it didn't really matter, because he was **not** going to be wearing either one of those ridiculous things. He would undergo Cruciatus before allowing himself to be tarted up like some bloody over-the-hill geisha who'd had too much sake`.

Remus rolled his eyes and handed the purple robe over to Snape, snatching the pink one from the pale slack fingers. He sighed and slumped back in his seat. It seemed that participating in this show was not nearly as fun as viewing it.

Severus sneered at his new purple robe and darted his gaze back up to Fancie who still smiled like a brain-dead ninny. "What about our Deputy Headmistress. What will she be attired in, pray tell?" he muttered.

The little wizard beamed and said, "Ahhh yes, and our sole lady of the bunch, Professor McGonagall you'll be wearing this..." and with that, he waved his wand with another flourish and a beautiful, sumptuous gold silk robe appeared. Minerva smiled in relief and Remus jumped from his seat.

"Oh! Minerva! It's gold! That's **my** colour! Please trade with me. You can wear the feminine pink shade and let me wear the gold, can't you? Please, pretty, pretty, pretty please..." he pleaded, eyes large and a soft, heartbreakingly lovely melting shade of amber.

"No Remus," Minerva sniffed. "I have no desire to swan about festooned with posies. No, I will gladly accept this golden robe. Thank you, Mr Fancie."

"You are welcome, my dear lady," Seymore winked and bowed, handing Minerva her new robe.

Tears welled in Remus' eyes as he slumped in his seat and Sirius leaned over whispering soft comforting words in his mate's ear.

Severus rolled his eyes at the display.

Albus laughed behind his snowy beard. This was already the most fun he had experienced in rather a long while.

"Now then, a few basic rules," Seymore said smiling and clapping his hands together. "The four of you will be divided into two teams. Mr Snape and Ms McGonagall will accompany Todd to Messrs Black and Lupin's home, and Messrs Black and Lupin will accompany Kyle to Mr Snape's quarters. Once there, the teams will have two days and two nights to transform the living spaces. The teams will not be allowed to return - and that includes quick pop-in visits as well - to their own homes until the moment of truth when their new abode is revealed. That's all really! Any questions?"

"Yes," Severus snapped, "will we be held to traditional laws regarding murder during the duration of filming this?"

Seymore blanched, as did poor Todd. "Oh, yes, Professor Snape. I'm afraid so."

"A pity," Snape purred.

For once in his life Sirius actually agreed with Snape. He smiled in a tentative, temporary gesture of armistice.

Albus noted the smile and shook his head. Nothing united people faster than a common enemy. Amazing that Voldemort was unable to do that with the two stubborn brunette wizards but a silly little priss of a showman wizard named Fancie could! Ahhh... what a wondrous world this truly was...


	3. The Ordeal Begins

"Well, now! Are we ready to begin this fantastic journey into creativity?" Seymore Fancie rubbed his doughy hands together in glee. "I can just see the excitement bubbling, so off we go!"

Sirius and Remus reluctantly gathered up their new robes and walked over to join Kyle by the door of the Headmaster's office.

"Sirius, Remus--you know the way to the dungeons. Please escort Mr Whipplesworth along to Severus' chambers so that you can begin," Dumbledore smiled.

Suddenly, his brow creased in thought. "Ahhhh, Severus? You have, I presume, removed all of the wards and locking spells surrounding your rooms? No curses, hexes or other such magical barriers that still might be in place?"

Severus sneered. "Nothing that will cause **permanent** damage."

"Severus...." Dumbledore raised a snowy white eyebrow in exasperation.

"Yes, Headmaster," came the somewhat sullen reply. "I removed them before I came to this....meeting. Nothing left, save for a simple locking spell to keep students out. I trust that you have informed the Dastardly Duo that they are to leave my private papers quite alone. My office is **off-limits** to you two, if you know what is good for you." Severus punctuated his statement with an arch of his elegant eyebrow, as he fingered his wand.

"Don't worry, Snape," growled Sirius. "I have no desire to see what you have hidden in that black hole of an office. We intend to finish this project and get out of that disgusting pit as soon as possible." His hand began inching toward his wand as well, until Remus put a comforting hand to his arm.

Nervously, Seymore cleared his throat. He figured that it would be best to have these two groups part ways as soon as possible, before a duel broke out. "Yes, well then. Let's get started, shall we?"

"Yes, let's commence," smiled the Headmaster. "Severus, Minerva--I have one of the Hogwarts carriages waiting to convey you and Mr Snogwell down to Hogsmeade to Sirius and Remus' house. I bid you all farewell, and do try to have fun with this!" Dumbledore beamed at the six faces before him, wearing various expressions ranging from eager anticipation to a look of utmost revulsion.

~~

The carriage bumped and clattered as it made its way down toward the village of Hogsmeade. Severus was pressed as close to the window as possible, in an attempt to avoid Todd.

The prissy little git had hopped into the carriage and gleefully sat down beside the Potions Master. Every bump, it seemed to Severus, the little man managed to bounce himself closer until he was nearly sitting on his lap. Woe betide him if he actually made it, though. Dumbledore could sack him for all he cared, but he'd hex the foppish little shit right into the next country if **that** happened.

Glancing over at Minerva, who was gazing out the window with a glazed expression, he decided to bring up an idea that he had had. It was now or never.

"Minerva, I've been meaning to speak to you about something," Severus began in a silky tone.

The Transfiguration professor looked up. "Oh, Severus? And what would that be, pray tell?" She had just been immersed in a lovely daydream that involved her being back in her rooms, feet propped on an ottoman, a cup of hot tea in hand and no mention of Seymore Fancie, decorators or warring ex-students.

"I feel fairly certain that you have no wish to be involved with this ridiculous venture any more than I. Am I correct in that assumption?"

"You know that you are, Severus. However, since this is a direct order from the Headmaster himself, I don't see how I could possibly get out of it any more than you can," she sighed.

"Well," purred Severus. "What Albus doesn't know won't hurt him."

McGonagall had her own theories on that, having often wondered if the venerable old wizard could read minds. He seemed to know **everything** that went on in that castle. Still, as she was dreading this whole re-decorating scheme as much as anyone, she supposed it couldn't hurt to hear what Severus had to say.

"Go on."

"I was thinking. You really shouldn't even have to be doing this. After all, it **is** intended as a punishment for the bickering between myself and the Carnal Canines, is it not?" Severus shot a venemous look in the direction of Todd, who had snorted with laughter at the reference to Black and Lupin. "Why should you be put through this misery when you had nothing at all to do with it?"

"You know that as well as I, Severus. I am to keep you from totally destroying Remus and Sirius' house, or at the very least, booby-trapping it with innumerable hexes and curses. I'm sure that Albus was envisioning such things as exploding beds, a mass of Bundimuns turned loose under the floorboards, showers spraying permanent orange paint or any number of other inconveniences designed to make their lives as miserable as possible."

"Now, Professor, surely you know me better than that by now." Ignoring McGonagall's look of barely contained amusement, Snape continued. "I would hope that I am somewhat more mature than Black."

"What with your actions as of late, Severus, I must admit that I am not quite so certain of that." She quirked a grin at the look of disdain on the Potions Master's sour face. "Really, I would hardly term an act such as causing Mr Black to lose his power of speech and only be able to bark like a Pomeranian the mark of 'maturity'."

Severus sniffed haughtily. "He deserved it. It served him right for charming my personal cauldron to bite my hand everytime I tried to pick it up. I will not be humiliated in front of my students in that manner. I need not remind you, Minerva, that Gryffindor lost nearly fifty points that day because Weasley and Potter could not control their laughter at my expense."

"No, of course not, Severus. But I do fail to see what any of this has to do with my reluctance to be involved in this little adventure, as Albus likes to term it."

"Well, I was thinking that, as long as I gave you my solemn word as a Slytherin that I would not do anything **destructive** or **dangerous** to Black and Lupin's home, then you might be willing to allow me to do this, ahhh, by myself."

Suddenly Todd piped up. "Oh, no! We simply **can't** do that! It's against the rules! It just wouldn't....." Noticing the glare directed toward him by Severus, the designer quickly sat back before he was hit with a silencing charm, or worse. He was going to have to complain to Seymore about this. Really, this Snape fellow was just **no** fun at all.

"Now, as I was saying, I am proposing this to you. If you will give me leave to redecorate Black and Lupin's home in peace, I think that I might just be able to reciprocate the favour by, perhaps, not taking **quite** so many points from Gryffindor for the rest of the term. Providing that Potter doesn't fall off his broom in the next Quidditch match, it might be enough to see that the House Cup is awarded to Gryffindor this year," purred Snape in his silkiest voice.

McGonagall gave Snape a look of disbelief. She knew that he was dreading this redecorating scheme, but to stop taking points from the Gryffindors? She was fairly certain that was one of the highlights of Severus' day. She would not put it past him to set a goal each morning for how many points he'd deduct from her House students. Quirking an eyebrow, she studied the Potions Master as he sat across from her in the bouncing carriage.

"Well, while I might consider your proposal, I do not see how I can possibly go back to the castle when I am supposed to be supervising your decorating. I do think that Albus might notice my presence."

"Leave that to me, Minerva. I have already considered that, and I think a nice weekend spent in one of the rooms at the inn down in Hogsmeade would be just the thing to help you relax, don't you? No students, no decorating, just a relaxing couple of days with nobody to bother you. Albus need never know that you were not there to help with the renovation of that ruddy doghouse. It would, of course, be **my** treat."

"Hmmmmm, I suppose that I **could** do with a weekend to myself," she began slowly. The very idea of being able to sleep in, not worrying about patrolling the halls of the castle trying to catch wayward students, was quite appealing. "I could always say that I was getting new decorating ideas for the project."

Snape, for the first time that evening, smiled broadly.

~~~~

Severus and Todd stood on the front porch of the small cottage belonging to Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. From the outside, it seemed tidy enough. Colourful flowers bloomed beside the steps, ivy crawled across one wall and the flagstone walkway was swept clean. Glancing down, Severus noticed a doormat with the words "Wipe Yer Paws" emblazoned across it--a testament, no doubt, to Black's idiotic and rather juvenile sense of humour.

"Well, shall we?" chirped Todd's annoying voice from beside Severus. The diminutive decorator reached for the knob and pushed open the door, revealing the small foyer and living room.

As they stepped into the little house, Severus gazed around him, somewhat interested in spite of himself. He'd never been inside their home before, and wasn't certain of what to expect. While he figured that Lupin was a relatively tidy person, he was equally certain that Black was a slob through and through. He was quite expecting to find clothes strewn everywhere, filthy dishes stacked in the sink and Merlin knows what other disgusting items scattered about.

Surprisingly, the house was..... somewhat cozy. Certainly not to **his** taste, but not overly offensive. He favoured heavy antique furniture and dark colours, preferably black and Slytherin green, and this was anything but.

The walls were a light cream, and the light-coloured hardwood floors sported numerous throw rugs. Several windows had their curtains drawn back to let in the sunlight. Dozens of framed photos adorned the mantlepiece above the fireplace as well as the end tables. A shabby couch and a couple of well-worn arm chairs dominated the center of the room. A wizarding chess set, that day's issue of the Daily Prophet and several Quidditch magazines lay on the coffeetable in front of the couch.

As Severus perused the rest of the room, he noticed that a large and rather battered bookcase crammed with countless books was standing next to a small desk laden with parchments, quills, inkwells and such. Undoubtably Lupin's area.

"Oooohh, now isn't **this** homey!" squealed Todd, interrupting Severus' examination of the room. "But, really, I do think that the whole 'shabby chic' look is really quite passe`, don't you?"

He trotted into the house, examining the curtains and rugs as he went. "Oh, dear. We really **do** have our work cut out for us if we are going to transform this into a stunningly modern and fashionable bachelor pad in just **two** days! My, my, my!" he clucked as he flitted from couch to chair and back again.

"Well, Sev, may I call you Sev?" he began with a simpering tone.

"No. You most certainly may **not** call me 'Sev'. You may call me Professor Snape," snapped Severus.

"Well, Sev, we **are** going to be working together, hand in hand, if you will, for the next...."

"I **said** you are **not** to call me 'Sev'! Furthermore, you will **not** be touching my hand, or any other portion of my anatomy, lest you find yourself blasted into a multitude of various body parts scattered over the entire village," snarled the Potions Master, his eyes flashing black sparks.

"Oh. All right, then. Be that way, **Professor** ," pouted the decorator. "I just thought that since we are going to be working so closely together, that we should dispense with such, ummm, formalities. However, since you **insist**." He batted his eyes fetchingly.

The disappointed look on Todd's face would have been comical, had Severus not been so furious. It was bad enough that he had to undergo this humiliation to begin with--and oh, he **would** get Albus back for it, count on **that** \--but to have this impertinent twit fawning all over him like one of Potter's lovesick fanclub members..... It was beyond torture.

The simpering fool recovered quickly, though, much to Severus' chagrin. Producing a roll of parchment and a flashy macaw feather quill, he began to take notes as he bounced from one part of the room to the other.

"Oh, **dearie**. Just **look** at the state of this couch! My goodness, it looks as though it has been around since the Goblin Revolt of 1732! We will simply **have** to do something about that. I'm thinking brand new cushions and maybe slipcovers in a nice, calming ocean blue. Or grey. What do you think, Sev...errr, Professor? And that bookcase--really, I know the 'distressed' look is in, but that's taking it just a **bit** too far. Oh, and those **chairs**! They have been through the mill........" The endless chattering went on and on.

Privately, Severus thought that the chairs and couch had likely been through much more than just the mill. He shuddered to think of the variety of lewd and disgusting sexual acts that had probably been performed on the furniture in this house.

~~

After Todd had flitted from one end of the room to the other, making numerous notations on his parchment and continuing with his running commentary of what should be done to the room, he looked at Severus. "Well?"

Snapping out of his near-coma, induced by the mindless nattering that had infiltrated his brain, Severus looked up blankly.

"Well, what?"

Rolling his eyes dramatically, Todd shook his red macaw quill at the sable-haired wizard. "You have not been listening to a **thing** I've been saying, have you? Really, **Professor** , what would you do to your students had they not been paying attention? No, never mind--I don't **even** want to know. Now, I was just saying how we must be getting on to the bedroom--we've spent **entirely** too much time in here, and we just **have** to get the ball rolling if we are **ever** to finish on time!"

"Bedroom? What in Merlin's name are you talking about now?" Severus **really** hoped that the little ninny was not talking about what he **thought** he was talking about. After all, the decorator had been flirting shamelessly with him since the moment they met in Dumbledore's office.

"Yes, **bedroom**! You didn't think that we were only going to be decorating just **one** room in the house, did you, silly?" Todd winked at him.

"Hmmphh, yes, of course," Severus snapped. He wasn't overly thrilled about going into Black and Lupin's bedroom. While he'd been surprised at the modesty of the living area, he was still apprehensive about what lurked behind that door. With those two, he had a sinking feeling that it would be akin to stepping into something along the lines of a cheap Bangkok brothel.

Todd skipped over and flung the door wide to reveal a rather sparsely furnished, but comfortable room. A large bed covered by a fluffy comforter dominated the back of the room, under an expansive window. There was a bedside table on one side adorned with a small lamp and several books. An old scarred chifforobe with several framed photos upon it was the only other piece of furniture.

"Oh, my! What a spartan room! They must not use this very much. It's just **begging** for some colour and life!" Todd looked around in dismay.

Severus gave a derisive snort. "Oh, I beg to differ. This room is more than likely the most well-used of the entire house, in more ways than one. A veritable den of iniquity, if you will."

"Ooooohhh! Do tell!" screeched Todd, pressing his hand to his mouth, his eyes alight with titillated excitement.

"No, I think not. I'd rather not contemplate the spectrum of debauchery that this room has been witness to. Suffice to say that it boggles the mind." With a swirl of his black robes, Severus departed the bedroom, leaving Todd breathless with disappointment at Snape's refusal to divulge all of the naughty details.

Severus stalked into the living room. Already, he felt as though this ordeal had gone on for an eternity. Glancing at the clock on the mantle, he saw that it was only beginning. With a groan, he sank into the nearest chair. Forty-eight hours of dealing with the prissy git of a decorator was almost too much to contemplate. It would be a miracle if he managed to keep from performing Avada Kedavra on the yappy little bastard before the night was half over.

"Oh, no you don't! No sitting down on the job, Mister! Hop to it, now, hop to it--we **must** get to cracking on this renovation!" Todd clapped his hands together in glee. "Now, dear Professor, put on your **lovely** new robe and let's get started!"

"Oh my. I seem to have left it back at the castle. It would appear as though I will have to wear my own robes," sneered Severus, as he glared up at Todd.

"Oh, **not** a problem!" With a swishy flick of his wand, Todd produced the garish purple frock and held it out to Severus.

"I will not be wearing that hideous thing," Severus growled. "While I may not have any choice in participating in this particular form of torture, I **do** still have control over my wardrobe. I can assure you that it will be a freezing day in Hell before that revolting rag touches my body."

"Oh, but **Sev**! I mean, Professor! You really must wear it--everyone who appears on the show has his or her own authentic 'Trading Spaces' robe. It's a **tradition**!"

"Traditions were made to be broken. I will not wear that vile thing, and that is final." Severus' tone brooked no argument.

Todd put his lip out. "Well, **fine**. Be that way, then. You just wait and see how absolutely **divine** your friends will look in **their** robes when the show airs. They will be the **talk** of the school, I'm sure of that."

"Oh, I have no doubts that they will be the talk of the school. The laughing stock is more like it. And, just to set the record straight, they are **not** my friends."

"Yes, well I **did** notice a **bit** of animosity between you and the happy couple. Especially that **divine** Mr Black! Oh, he **is** just sex on legs, isn't he? Mr Lupin is a lucky, lucky man." Todd sighed. "You know, I have always had a **thing** for tall, dark and handsome men." He leered at Severus, who barely managed to restrain himself from transfiguring Todd into a toad.

"They seem like such a **darling** couple! So in love--I declare, they just **melted** every time they looked at one another. I can't **imagine** why you don't socialize with them. I'm quite sure Mr Black has some **fascinating** tales to tell of his adventures while on the run from the law. Nothing like those bad boys to put a little pizzaz in one's life!"

"I have had quite enough excitement in my life due to that pair and their old school friends, thank you very much. And no," he added, noting Todd's excited look, "I will most certainly **not** be telling you about it. It's none of your damn business."

"Oh, Professor, you **are** such an enigma! A veritable man of mystery. I **do** hope that we will be able to get to know one another **much** better over the course of this project. You're going to be a tough nut to crack, but I'm sure that we will get along just **famously** before long!" Todd beamed at the Potions Master slouched in the chair before him.

_Not bloody likely_ thought Snape, as he narrowed his eyes at the eccentric designer. _The only nuts that are going to get cracked around here are yours, if you don't stop hitting on me._

His thoughts of various forms of bodily mutilation were suddenly interrupted by a gasp from Todd.

"Oh, **dear** me! Just **look** at the clock!" he wailed in dismay. "I've been so involved with my plans for the new decorations, I have **completely** lost track of the time! Mercy, I must be getting on to bed, if I will have **any** energy at all to work tomorrow. I do need my eight hours of beauty sleep, you know. I am **so** looking forward to my room at the Horse and Hound--I have heard that it is simply a **marvelous** inn!"

Gathering up his vast array of notes, his quill and his bag, Todd trotted off toward the door. Severus hauled himself out of the chair to follow.

"Oh, dear Professor, you don't need to walk me to the door! I think that I can manage, although I certainly don't **mind** your chivalry," he smiled, batting his eyes again.

"I think that even **you** can manage to find the door in this wretched little cottage. I intend to get some rest myself and will be going back to my chambers immediately." Severus gathered up his outer cloak and prepared to leave as well.

"Oh, no! You can't leave!" Todd looked horrified. "It's part of the show! You can't go back to your own quarters until the redecorating is complete. No, no, no, you will be staying here at Messers Black and Lupin's home for the next forty-eight hours."

It was now Snape's turn to look horrified. "I **what**?"

"You'll be staying **here** , silly. I know that it's not up to your **usual** standards, Professor. I can see that you are a man of **impeccable** taste. But, it is certainly a comfortable little house!" Todd looked around appraisingly.

"You **cannot** be serious."

"Oh, but I am. That's how the show works. You will stay here during the redecoration, and Mr Black and Mr Lupin will be staying in your chambers. That way, the surprise isn't spoiled until it is **all** revealed upon completion! Isn't that **fun**?"

"Let me get this straight, Snogwell. You are telling me that I have to sleep in this....this....hovel for the next two nights?" Severus fought to maintain control of his voice.

Todd nodded eagerly.

"And Pathos and Dogtagnon will be sleeping in **my** chambers for the next two nights?" Severus snarled, clenching his fists so tightly that his knuckles turned white.

"Well of course! Where else would they go?" chirped Todd. "So, goodnight, Professor! Sleep well and I'll see you bright and early tomorrow morning!" With a cheery wave, he departed the cottage, leaving Severus in a state of near apoplexy.

In his wildest dreams, Severus could not have imagined that this situation could have gotten worse, but apparently it had. Black and Lupin would not only be dismantling his home, they would be **sleeping** in his bed. Doing Merlin knows **what** in **his** bed! He didn't even want to imagine the possibilities of what was no doubt occurring at this very moment.

Severus decided to take his chances and poke through the cupboards in the kitchen. He only hoped that the Carnal Canines had stocked a good amount of the strongest whiskey available. He sure as hell was going to need it.


	4. Down into the Dungeons

(Meanwhile, earlier that evening...)

"Well, Kyle, are you ready to face the horrors that reside in the very bowels of Hogwarts?" Sirius smirked, his hand sliding possessively around Remus' back as the three made their way down the hall to the dungeons.

The young designer smiled. "I'm sure I've seen worse. I remember this witch's home in Northumberland ... oooh, now **that** was quite an experience! Seemed the dear woman had quite an affinity for cats. Now... I'm sure you know where this is leading," he chuckled.

"Oh yes," Remus nodded, smiling. "Not a cat person, I take it, Mr Whipplesworth?"

"Oh, please, call me Kyle, but... well, I really don't have anything against cats, per se, just... well, there is the small matter of ... ummm... well, she had quite a few tom cats, you see," Kyle twittered, shaking his head a bit.

"Ahhh," Remus answered, eyes gleaming up at Sirius as he winked at his lover. "So, do you like dogs, Kyle?"

"Yes, how do you feel about canines?" Sirius asked, grinning eagerly.

Kyle smiled. "Oh, I rather fancy dogs. In fact, I have the most lovely little Bichon Frise at home. Her name is Monique and she's my baby! The sweetest little pooch in the entire world! And right now, she's staying with my boyfriend and I'm afraid he just doesn't have the same capacity for coddling that I do. I fear poor Monique will never forgive me for leaving her with Nick!"

Remus smiled. "Sirius and I love dogs too."

Sirius chuckled. "Actually, I prefer wolves to dogs, but, yes, I'm very partial to canines."

"Do you two have dogs then?" Kyle asked.

Remus chuckled. "Yes, one huge, gorgeous black, lovable beast named Snuffles. He's **my baby**!"

"Oh yes, isn't that always the case?! Why is it that dogs always tend to prefer one of their masters to the other? Monique worships me and barely tolerates poor Nick," Kyle responded, nodding.

Sirius smirked. "Well, actually, **Snuffles** is rather bonded to me too. In fact, we have an especially close bond."

Kyle smiled. "Oh, well, that's nice then," he murmured in a distracted voice as they moved down the stone stairs, their steps echoing. The designer looked around eagerly as they went, occasionally scratching down ideas on a small piece of parchment he toted.

The steps of his companions halted temporarily and he glanced up then to see Sirius leaning down to steal a quick kiss from his blushing lover. Kyle smiled. "So, how long have you two been together?"

Sirius beamed. "Ages!"

Remus smiled shyly and elaborated. "Sirius and I attended school here together. We started dating seriously in our sixth year."

"Moony! You wound me! Have you forgotten our first kiss in fourth year?" Sirius asked, a teasing grin playing about his full lips, blue eyes sparkling in the torch light.

Remus chuckled. "Of course not, love, but... see that was before the Whomping Willow incident and..."

"Ahhh... yeah, that's enough of that," Sirius quickly interrupted, his face flushing a bit.

Remus winked and leaned in to stage whisper, "In fact, Kyle, that **incident** you could say was the very impetus that leads us to our designing adventures today!"

Kyle smiled politely but arched an auburn eyebrow in question.

"Don't worry about it," Sirius muttered. "Remus is just being a silly sod!"

"I am not. You **wound** me, darling. I'm just telling Kyle a bit of the back-story which...""

"Which has absolutely bloody nada to do with how we devastate... errr... I mean decorate the greasy git's quarters," Sirius interrupted.

Kyle grinned. "Hmmm... I did notice a hint of animosity between you and Professor Snape."

"Just a hint?" Remus laughed playfully. "I'd say more like a heap! Ahhh... here we are then," Remus murmured, stepping ahead as they approached the heavy wooden doors denoting Severus' chambers.

Sirius' lip curled up in a sneer as he noted the ornately curved handles shaped in the sinuous form of two snakes.

Remus slipped out his wand and murmured "Alohamora," and the heavy doors creaked slowly open.

Kyle gasped as they walked into the darkened chambers. Remus blinked, his bright lycanthropic eyes adjusting to the semi-darkness as he aimed his wand at the torches and candles carefully placed throughout the chambers and lit them.

Golden light suffused the stone chambers and Remus smiled at the look of faint surprise that flitted across his lover's handsome features.

"Not as bad as you assumed it would be, darling?" Remus teased. "I told you."

Sirius frowned. "Please, love, don't remind me you've been in here before ... **alone** with that git!"

Remus' laughter echoed in the room, seeming strangely out of place in the elegant but foreboding quarters. "Well," the werewolf smiled, "my jealous dear one, I can assure you it was for strictly professional reasons. I was here to retrieve a potion."

Sirius sneered again but he nodded, still not pleased as he tried desperately not to envision his Remy anywhere near the hawk-nosed prat's bed.

Kyle gazed over Snape's chambers and whistled softly. "My, my! Our Professor Snape is a man of fine taste it seems," he murmured, stepping more fully into the large rooms that were appointed with rich, elegant décor and furniture.

Remus took little notice of the room. His mind was occupied suddenly with other thoughts. He frowned as he put down the regrettable travesty of a robe that he would have to be so unfortunately attired in the next day. His lip curled up with disdain as his eyes ran over the posies scattered across the fuchsia garment. What had possessed him to agree to a trade with Severus? Well... what was done was done, no sense fretting over the bloody thing now.

He sighed and settled down on the antique settee positioned directly in front of the fireplace. He lit up a merry fire with his wand and glanced up at his lover, a smile teasing at the corners of his mouth, golden eyes glimmering with amusement as he watched Sirius.

Sirius was scowling a bit as he strode purposefully over to the towering mahogany bureau bookcase that dominated the left side of the outer room. He scanned the titles quickly and smirked, shaking his dark head.

He was not surprised to see that the bookcase was filled with what proved to be a huge, meticulously sorted and catalogued collection of ancient Potions books and tomes on Dark Magic and the Dark Arts. Snape must have spent years collecting and organizing the volumes that covered topics from "Azmodel Usage" to "Zymosan Properties".

With a snicker and a wink towards Remus, Sirius quickly began pulling out random books and replacing them in no certain order. The W's next to the C's next to the Q's... _Ahhh... yes! This will drive the anal git mad!_ he chuckled to himself, whistling as he worked.

Remus smiled and shook his tawny head, rolling his eyes.

Meanwhile, Kyle had trotted over to the other side of the bookcase and ran his hand reverently against a delicately woven Slytherin tapestry that hung above a 19th century Chippendale desk and chair situated there. He noticed that the quality was equal to some of the finest Flemish tapestries he'd ever seen, and was likely as old. Humming slightly to himself, the decorator glanced over the rooms and headed towards the bedchamber where a massive four poster bed loomed.

The huge imposing bed was covered with heavy green bedding in the finest silk and very few pillows. The intricate woodwork was grandly ornate, culminating in an exquisitely carved 'S' on the headboard. The only other objects in the room were an ebony dresser, a large antique mirror, a small side table topped by a simple lamp and an elegantly carved parlor chair.

Kyle frowned. Professor Snape's quarters were sophisticated but entirely too gloomy for his taste. He scratched down a few ideas on how to brighten up the rooms and strolled back into the main chamber settling down beside Remus. He tapped his peacock quill against his chin.

"What do you think?" Remus asked, trying to keep his tone neutral.

Kyle sighed again and ran one hand back through his longish auburn hair. "Well, it rather reminds me of a museum. Cold, dark, elegant but ... impersonal. The professor could do with a bit of warmth..."

"Well, now that's the truth!" Sirius barked, looking up from his book resorting. He pulled out a few books, stacking them haphazardly in the corners of the case.

"Step back, love, I want to ... ahhh... do my literary part as well," Remus murmured. Sirius grinned and stepped back as Remus aimed his wand and pointed it at a particularly large volume of Demonology which he transfigured to become "Wandering with Werewolves" by Gilderoy Lockhart.

Sirius howled at the gleaming, blonde, toothy wizard that beamed from the cover of the book.

"YES! Oh Rem, that's perfect, love!" Sirius chuckled, pulling out the volume and bringing it over to the table beside the settee. "But... now, this lovely book is just too much of a treasure to keep hoarded away inside that ruddy bookcase! And... hmmm... I'm thinking it would make a lovely coffee table book, wouldn't you say? I think it needs to go right here!"

Remus smiled. "Yes, Padfoot, I quite agree. And I know I've heard dear Severus use ... many a... errr.. colourful turn of phrase regarding the illustrious Mr Lockhart, so I know he'll appreciate seeing the smiling visage winking up at him as he relaxes in front of his fire."

Kyle smiled widely. "Oh, that Mr Lockhart is rather full of himself, but he has smashing taste! He just did up his bedroom in a fabulous Arabian Nights style. Did you see the pictorial spread on it in 'Sorcery Styles' perhaps?"

Remus smiled and shook his head. "No, I'm afraid we missed that particular issue."

"Well, no matter," Kyle shrugged, "but... anyway, as I was saying, I have some ideas about brightening up these rooms. What do you think of the theme of bringing the outdoors indoors?"

Remus stroked his chin and nodded. "Sounds interesting. Go on..."

Sirius laughed as he got up to go investigate a table topped with a large cauldron and brazier on the opposite side of the room. "Snape is allergic to sunlight I believe. He's a ruddy vamp, I swear! He despises the outdoors...soo...oh, hell yeah, I like that theme, Kyle my lad! Let's do it! Tell us what you're thinking."

Sirius' gaze ran over the table that was situated just below a long set of stone shelves laden with jars, flasks and other Potions implements. With an evil smirk, he reached up and began also reordering the jars and flasks, mixing up the neatly inscribed labels.

"Well, see, the thing is," Kyle continued in his soft, fluttering voice, "We must let some of that golden sunshine in! Honestly, you could grow mushrooms down here in this dank dungeon.."

Sirius laughed. "Did you have a look under the bastard's bed? There's probably a whole order of fungi under there! Wouldn't be surprised if he grew all of his own supplies in this cave, would you, Moony?"

Remus laughed at his mate's comment.

"I'm thinking lovely pastels," Kyle continued, "sunny yellows, bright blues, vivid pinks, lacy hangings for the bed, mounds of fluffy colourful pillows, a bit of greenery and some fresh flowers. Eden! I'm thinking a garden theme!"

Remus laughed and Sirius snorted. The ebony-haired wizard left off of his potions mangling to come slide in beside his lover on the settee. "And Snape is the proverbial serpent in the garden," Sirius laughed.

Remus chuckled but he shook his head, "Oh, come now, Sirius. Severus isn't as bad as all that. Granted his interpersonal skills could use a bit of work and he's ... well, he's a grumpy git, but... he's firmly on the side of the Light. He's not evil incarnate!"

"Says you!" Sirius rebuffed, blue eyes widening. "We haven't seen what he's doing to our place yet. You may change your mind when you see the results of his little decorating venture." Sirius knew Remus was extremely protective of their charming little home.

Remus' face darkened. "Well... yes, darling, there is that."

Kyle yawned and smiled. "Well, gentlemen, we have a big day ahead of us tomorrow. So, I propose we turn in early."

He stood up, smiling. "Your headmaster has kindly lent me a room upstairs for the evening but... ahhh... I was told that you two had to remain here for the duration of the weekend."

"What?!" Sirius barked. "Where are we supposed to sleep? I'm not sleeping in Snape's bloody bed, that's for fucking certain!"

"We'll transfigure the settee here into a bed for the evening," Remus hurriedly soothed, "though I can think of nothing that would turn Sev's stomach more than to think of the two of us in his bed," he added with a saucy wink.

Sirius smirked and chuckled and leaned in to whisper in Remus' ear. The tawny-headed wizard flushed at the heated words and nodded his head. "Yes," he murmured, "I think you're absolutely right, Paddy. He'd hate that worse than us **sleeping** in his bed."

At that, Kyle chuckled and shook his head, keenly missing his own lover. "Yes, well, I'll leave you two to it then, shall I? I'll rejoin you bright and early tomorrow morning at... let's say 8 a.m. So... no matter what, do please make certain to get a bit of rest tonight. You'll need it for tomorrow."

Sirius and Remus stood up and shook the younger man's hand as he bid the two of them goodnight and left them with a smile and a wave over his shoulder.

As soon as the door closed shut behind him Sirius pushed Remus back onto the settee and crawled seductively into his lap. "You know, love, this is really rather more fun than I thought it would be," he murmured in between slow, sucking kisses along the side of the long, alabaster throat.

Remus smiled and sighed contentedly. "Yes, it certainly is... now, what was it you said you wanted to do in Sev's bed? Hmmm?"

~~

(The next morning...)

~~Morning Mischief~~

Remus awoke to the pleasant sensation of a warm tongue gently laving his neck. He smiled and reached up, blindly grasping unto the warm coil of silky hair that fell across his shoulder. "Morning, Paddy," he murmured sleepily, nuzzling back into the warmth of his mate.

Sirius smiled and snuffled into Remus' honey-toned hair, breathing in the warm, sleepy scent of him. "It's almost 7:15, love. Kyle will be here in a bit. Shouldn't we get up and get dressed or should we show him what lazy, decadent creatures we really are?"

Remus smiled and cracked open bleary amber eyes. "Hmmm... well, as this will be our first wizarding television appearance, perhaps we should be... ahhh... somewhat more presentable."

Sirius smirked and leaned down, rubbing his stubble scratchy cheek against Remus'. "Yeah, perhaps you're right. We could both do with a bit of shave."

Remus yawned and blinked as he slid gracefully up and out of Sirius' grasp, instantly wrapping his pale arms about himself. "Merlin, it's cold in here! I just don't see how Severus puts up with these cold, drafty, dark quarters...."

"They won't be dark and cold after we get through with them," Sirius laughed as he sat up and wrapped his arms around his mate's slightly shivering form. "They'll be warm and fluffy and pink! Heh!"

Remus smiled, chuckling a bit, and nodded. "True!"

"I'll give the git this -- his bed's not too terrible. A little more firm than is my liking but.."

"But Paddy, sometimes that firmness of mattress is ... well, it rather enhances the dynamics of certain activities, wouldn't you say?" Remus interrupted, arching a golden-brown eyebrow as he turned to smirk at his lover.

A slow smile spread across the dark-headed wizard's handsome face and he nodded. "Well, yes, Remus, judging from last night, I'd have to agree. We may want to perform a firming charm on our mattress when we get back home."

Remus chuckled. "Ours used to be this firm, Si, but I fear we've rather **worked** some of the firmness out."

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, so why don't we firm it up again and then we'll wear it out again!"

"Mmmhh, sounds delightful. I love **firming** things up with you!" Remus winked and grinned and then yawned again. "Well, I think we could both use a shower... separately, love... before you ask. Otherwise, we'll....well, we'll get distracted I'm afraid."

He disentangled himself from Sirius arms and scooped up his robes from the floor. Then he remembered...

Sirius saw the distinct scowl crawl Remus' face and he arched his eyebrow in question. Remus pointed to the 'Trading Spaces' robes, his frown marring his otherwise sedate, beautiful features. "We're supposed to wear those ridiculous foppish things, remember?" he growled.

Sirius chuckled. He couldn't help it. It was rare to see Remus get worked up to a perturbed growl -- sexy growls were not uncommon, but perturbed growls were much more rare. "Awww, come on, Moony -- they're the haute couture of the designing set."

Remus turned and leveled flashing golden eyes at his mate. "Oh yes, of course they are! And... why shouldn't I want to wear a pink flower-festooned robe?!"

Sirius chuckled and Remus scowled. "Why are you laughing? You'll be sporting the gaudy blue pillows and candles rubbishy thing, after all."

"Gaudy!" Sirius protested in mock outrage, clutching his chest dramatically. "But, Rem, you said it highlighted my eyes! I'm so hurt! 'Gaudy' he says. Well, I may be gaudy, but you'll be looking prissy and poofy and I'd take gaudy over the double P's any day of the week!"

Remus chewed his lip thoughtfully as he observed Sirius' mirth. "I've made an executive decision. **You** shall wear the pink robe since it is ever so much more amusing to you!"

Sirius' laughing face stiffened and he blanched. "You sound like Snape, Moony... that is **so** not a turn-on, especially first thing in the bloody morning."

Remus bit his lip harder to fight the smile threatening to curve his perfect lips, as he watched Sirius slide off the bed in full pout mode, black hair swinging forward to cover his face.

Remus sighed then and shook his head, crossing the room to lay a hand on Sirius' bare back as the brunette wizard faced away, hands crossed over his chest. The tawny-haired wizard frowned. He really hadn't said anything too terrible--nothing that should have set Sirius off quite this much.

Remus stroked his hand down the smooth line of Sirius' spine, smiling as Sirius' back rippled with the movement. He leaned forward nuzzling his nose into that silky black curtain of hair and finally murmured, "I was only joking, sweet. I'll wear the blasted poofy robe. And... the blue **will** look gorgeous on you -- granted I could do without the tiny pillows and what-not, but the colour is fine."

Sirius smiled wickedly to himself--the pouting worked like a charm as usual--and he spun in Remus' embrace, laughing azure eyes blazing. "Awww... my Moony's so good to me!"

Remus laughed and shook his finger at his lover. "You are one spoiled pup, Paddy!"

Sirius grinned and nodded, sliding his hands around Remus' waist. "Yes, but you love spoiling me, don't you, Remy love?"

Remus smirked and shrugged. "Sometimes."

Sirius chuckled and shook his head.

Remus slid his hands down to capture Sirius' and stepped from his embrace. "Must shower," he grinned.

"Let me join you," Sirius pleaded.

Remus shook his head. "No, Si, tempting... but no. Why don't you see about finding us a pot of tea and some breakfast?"

Sirius shook his head, grumbling, "Tea or Me and he chooses tea..." What was this world coming to?

Smirking, Remus turned to go to the lavatory.

Sirius lay back down on the bed for a moment, musing on what lovely little tricks he could leave in wait for the greasy-haired git. He pondered for long moments, listening to the soft rushing pour of Remus' shower. He began to get sleepy again so he sat up yawning and stared at his reflection in the antique mirror across from the bed, rubbing his hand across his stubble.

That was when inspiration struck.

Laughing, Sirius reached for his wand and facing the mirror quickly muttered an incantation. The mirror burned with silvery light for a moment and then faded. Sirius opened his eyes and peeked at the mirror and laughed. There, instead of his long, glorious black hair, he saw a short, frizzy mess, balding in the front. His worst appearance nightmare.

He grinned again, his mind whirling on the possible horrible images that would meet Snape's black eyes when he gazed into the mirrored depths at his own hawk-nosed reflection.

Satisfied with his morning mischief, Sirius sighed, smirking at the unflattering appearance that met his gaze. He then turned to stroll into the other chamber, looking for the bell that rang for the house elves.

Hmmm... perhaps this would give him the excuse he needed to plunder the hateful git's office, especially after being warned explicitly not to by the old grouch himself. Sirius had always been the type to take that sort of thing as a personal challenge. He rubbed his hands together and grinned maliciously as he headed over towards the heavy, imposing desk in the corner, intent on pilfering through the drawers. Suddenly a horrified yell met his ears.

"Remus?" he yelped, jogging back into the bed chamber to be met with a pale, shocked, shower wet and sleek, nude Remus who gazed at a fur pelted version of himself in the mirror.

Sirius couldn't help the bubble of laughter which burst forth unbidden from his throat. "Oh, love, I'm sorry... it's a joke. I charmed the mirror to show your worst appearance nightmare. It's not real."

Shaken from a horrified reverie, Remus glanced down at his own nude, mostly hairless (save for the bit of human hair that sprouted lightly on his slender limbs) form. "Oh... yes, of course. That was very silly of me. I was just passing by and glanced in the glass and... well, I thought perhaps Severus had hexed his shower facilities so...."

"No, I'm the hexer -- sorry. Here, I'll remove it," Sirius interrupted.

"No," Remus said, a smile lighting his amber eyes. "Leave it. It's fairly innocuous. I would dearly love to see what Severus sees when he gazes into it. What did you see?"

Sirius grinned and stepped in beside the grinning, hairy version of his lover and Remus laughed in delight. "What a funny pair we make! I worry about an abundance of hair and you worry over losing yours!"

Sirius smiled and chuckled, leaning in to nuzzle the smooth, **hairless** , long, pale neck beside him. "Mmmmhhh... love you," he murmured.

Remus smiled and reached up, playfully tickling the **bald spot** in the reflection which was covered with fine, silky hair in reality, "Love you too, Prince of Pranksters."

Their moment was interrupted by polite knocking. Sirius glanced up at the clock and laughed. "Kyle. He's early."

Remus smiled. "Yes, he seems the sort. He's a nice lad -- probably brought us a spot of breakfast."

Sirius nodded and yawned while Remus reached down for his old, familiar robes, shrugging his shoulders at Sirius' arched brow. "Just for now," he murmured, as he brushed past his lover to let the decorator in.


	5. Let the Decorating Begin

Severus' head jerked up from where it had lain on the kitchen table all night. The stab of pain from his stiff neck, combined with the dull throb in his temples caused him to groan. Gazing around with bleary eyes, it took him a moment to realize that he was not in his comfortable bed back in his pleasantly dark dungeons. He was slumped over a kitchen table with an empty bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhiskey beside him......what in the hell?

_Oh. Shit._ So, it hadn't all been a horrible nightmare. Slowly, the realization of his situation penetrated his fogged brain. He was in the home of the two people that he despised even more than Potter. He was to be redecorating this despicable shack for the next two days with a poncy little fop who would not stop flirting with him and it was all Dumbledore's fault. Damn that man. After all that he, Severus Snape, had done for the old wizard during the war and to be treated like this. It was an insult. It was an outrage. It was.....what the **hell** was that infernal racket coming from the front door?

Dragging his protesting body from the hard wooden chair, Severus made his way stiffly to the door, ready to strangle whatever was making enough noise to cause him to see stars. Jerking the door open, he came face to face with none other than Todd Snogwell, the prissy, beaming decorator who, for the moment, had replaced Potter as the bane of his existence.

"Goooood morning, Professor Snape!" chirped Todd, as he pranced merrily past Severus, brandishing a large basket covered with a linen napkin. "I do hope that you are ready to get to work! I brought a spot of breakfast to get you going--can't start the day with an empty tummy, now can we? I do hope that you like muffins! Oh, and I brought some scones and croissants as well. That **lovely** Mrs Primrose at the Horse and Hound is a **fabulous** cook! And such a **darling** woman, oh I could just keep on and on about her......"

Severus stared at the git's back as he disappeared into the kitchen, still nattering on about his ever so lovely evening at the inn. Closing his eyes and wishing more than anything for one of his hangover potions, Severus decided that he'd best get on with it.

Entering the small kitchen, he saw that Todd had set up a lovely breakfast, complete with tea, toast and the pastries from the inn. With a flourish, he motioned for the Potions Master to sit down and enjoy the repast.

"All I want is a cup of tea," muttered Severus as he sank into a chair.

"Oh, now **Professor**! Surely you realize that breakfast is the **most** important meal of the day! Can't have you getting **faint** from lack of food during our decorating, now can we?" Todd piled several pastries on a plate and sat it before the dark-haired wizard.

"I said all I want is a cup of tea. That is all I ever have for breakfast, thank you very much, and that is all that I will consume today," growled Severus as he snatched a teacup and began filling it.

"Not even **one** little muffin?!? They're ever so yummy!" wheedled Todd as he waved a chocolate chip muffin beneath Snape's nose.

"I do not like sweets. Get that thing away from me before you find it inserted in one of any number of your bodily orifaces," hissed Snape menacingly.

"Fine, be that way. It appears that **somebody** is not a morning person, now is he? I rather think that particular **somebody** could do with a few sweets. It **might** just sweeten his disposition a bit." Todd arched a delicate eyebrow at Snape, who narrowed his eyes fiercely as he drank his strong tea.

"Well, anyway, we **must** be getting on with the decorating! After all, time **is** of the essence, and we have **ever** so much to do!" Todd whipped out his stacks of parchments from the previous night, and began rattling off his plan of action for transforming the Black-Lupin home into a perfectly darling cottage fit for the romantic and loving couple that they so obviously were.

Severus managed to block most of the chatter out of his mind as he concentrated on his tea. He had a few ideas of what he wanted to do the house, none of which could be construed as 'darling'. If he was going to be involved in this fiasco, then he was damn well going to make sure that he had some say in what was being done. After all, he shuddered to think of what those two idiots were doing to his dungeons. It was only fitting that he return the favour.

"Ohhhh, **Professor**! Are you ready to begin?" Todd was flitting about the kitchen, cleaning up the few dishes.

"I'll just need to set up the magical camera--it will follow us around as we work, so that **everything** we do is recorded for the show! Of course, it will be edited and such before that--can't have **that** much tape, now can we? After all, the show **is** only an hour long!" He tittered as he tossed a golden orb approximately the size of a bludger into the air and waved his wand at it. With a little whirring sound, the orb began floating about their heads.

Todd motioned for Severus to follow him into the living room. Rifling through his notes, he started in with his plans. "Yes, my goodness, here they are! Now, the living room should be a place of refuge, a relaxing area in which to just **forget** about the cares of the day. I'm thinking 'calm'! I'm thinking 'ocean'! I'm thinking....'oasis'!"

_And I'm thinking that you're a sodding nutter_ thought Severus as he watched Todd prance about the room, measuring and going on about various shades of blues and greys.

"Do I not get any input into the choices of colours for this potential oasis of calm?" smirked the Potions master.

Todd stopped in mid-gesture toward the drapes. "Well, of **course** , silly! If you had ever bothered to watch our show, you naughty boy, you would **know** that I am just here to help and advise while **you** make most of the decisions. After all, you want to be sure that your personality is stamped upon **every** aspect of the decorating project. We want Messers Black and Lupin to **know** how much thought and effort you put into transforming their cottage!"

"I see. Then I rather think that I would prefer a colour scheme involving green. Dark green and silver. And lots of black as well," Severus smiled, glancing around the light-filled room.

Todd's face fell. "But, Professor, I hardly think that this room is.... **large** enough to accomodate such heavy colours! Besides, the two gentlemen hardly seem as though they **like** such dark shades."

"Be that as it may, that is my decision. I would like to proceed." Severus glared down at the little decorator who was now wringing his manicured hands in dismay. His expression told Todd that there would be no compromise.

"Well, the first thing we need to do, then, is work on this furniture. Really! It has seen better days!" Todd ran his hand over the somewhat battered couch. "I don't know if just slipcovers will suffice. I rather fear that we'll be spending the biggest part of our thousand Galleon budget on buying new furniture. Dear me, and that is hardly enough to get **good** quality! Tsk, tsk!"

"It will be good enough for Black and Lupin. They are quite used to, shall we say, lesser quality items. Actually, they could probably afford to buy nicer things if they didn't insist on wasting all of their money buying outrageously priced racing brooms for that bratty, Quidditch-obsessed godson of theirs." Severus sniffed haughtily as he stood back to assess the room.

"Oooooh, yes! I quite forgot that Harry **Potter** is Mr Black's godson! Dear me, I read all about that in the Prophet--my, **what** a tale that was! Poor, poor child."

Severus rolled his obsidian eyes at that remark. The next thing on his agenda was to dispense with all of the annoying photos that littered every available space in the room. He saw no need for such trivial things--he had enough aggravation in his life without dealing with even more people harassing him, even if they **were** only in photographs. That was one reason that he allowed no portraits to be hung in his quarters. He simply didn't want to talk to the subjects in them.

Leaving Todd to decide what sort of furniture he could afford to purchase and still stay within budget, Severus summoned a large box and began tossing framed photos into it. As most of them were pictures of the Marauders--and what idiot came up with **that** stupid name, anyway? Black, most likely--they did not appreciate being tossed away by one Severus Snape.

Several images of James and Remus stuck their tongues out at him, and more than one Sirius made obscene hand gestures. Peter ran from the frames and hid when Severus scowled at him, and Lily merely shook her red hair in disgust and turned her back on him.

After all of the photos were put away, Severus began throwing on top of them the numerous Quidditch magazines that lay on the table. Those two really ought to stop coddling that brat and feeding his obsession with the sport. He could possibly have grades that rivaled Granger's if he weren't so bloody involved in memorizing the newest manuevers and such. Ridiculous. But what could one expect from two men who acted as though they were little more than hormone-driven teenagers themselves?

With a grumble, Snape sent the box into the nearest closet. Good riddance. His satisfaction was interrupted by Todd's sniveling voice.

"Professor, I think that I shall run off now and see about purchasing some new living room furniture. Will you be able to get by without me?"

"It will be a hardship, but yes, I think that I can manage," sneered Severus. "And make sure that the furniture you pick is all dark wood. The darker the better--it will go well with the green and black."

"Yes, of course," Todd whined, although he was not happy about it in the least. Well, he meant to talk to Seymore about this while he was out, that was for certain. Severus Snape was **not** being cooperative at all! He flounced to the front door and Apparated immediately.

Severus snorted. Would that he'd be so lucky that the little poof splinched himself and would be stuck that way for the duration of the show. Mulling over that pleasant thought, he turned his wand to the pale, cream-coloured walls.

Instantly, dark emerald green shot from the end of the wand and began covering the light paint. Severus smiled in satisfaction as he thought about Black's reaction to his home being painted in Slytherin green. Once that was accomplished, he turned to the windows. With a flick of his wrist, the delicate lace curtains disappeared, only to be replaced by heavy brocade drapes that effectively blocked out the sunlight. Ahhh, much better. For good measure, he transfigured part of the pattern on the brocade to become small snakes which slithered in and out amongst the leafy pattern of the heavy material.

_What else, what else_ he thought, idly tapping his wand against his palm as he surveyed the newly painted room. With an evil grin, he turned to the overhead light. Muttering an incantation, he turned the pleasant brass and frosted glass fixture into a heavy silver chandelier, its massive arms in the shape of serpents holding tall black tapers. He also transfigured the twin table lamps on either side of the couch into heavy pieces that matched the chandelier. As an afterthought, he charmed the serpent lamps to hiss and strike if anyone attempted to touch them.

The place was looking infinitely better. This was more fun that he'd thought, especially since that idiot Todd had departed.

Just then, Severus noticed the throw rugs lying about the floor. Curling his lip at the cheery blues and creams of the rugs, he turned his wand to them and, with a pop, they became green and black with silver-coloured tassles. The one in front of the fireplace he changed to form the crest of Slytherin House in all its glory. Just then, he noticed the mirror hanging in the foyer. Ahhhh, yes, surely some fun could be had there, especially with Black being such a peacock. Remembering the nasty insults directed toward him by the Marauder's Map a few years ago, he smirked. Black and Lupin were not the only wizards capable of charming an object so that it insulted the person looking at it. Flicking his wand, he made certain that the mirror would come up with some of the most insulting and derogatory comments that he could think of in regards to Black's overly celebrated looks.

Striding purposefully through the room, Severus cast his glance around to see what other changes needed to be made. He decided that the coffeetable looked a bit bare without its numerous Quidditch magazines, so he conjured a few issues of Witch Weekly--specifically the ones declaring Gilderoy Lockhart as the the winner of the Most Charming Smile award. A couple of issues of "Cats--The Wizarding World's Most Perfect Familiar" and a leather-bound compilation of all of Rita Skeeter's numerous articles featuring Sirius, Remus and Harry completed the look.

Severus decided to concentrate on Lupin's area next. The battered old desk was fairly groaning beneath the weight of parchments, stacks of books, and piles of student work waiting to be graded. He thumbed through the student assignments--dear, dear, it would seem that noble Professor Lupin was a bit behind on marking the tests. Most likely he had been preoccupied with other tasks, none of which pertained to teaching. Well, unless it was teaching that infernal Black a new sexual position or some other equally disgusting act.

Discovering a red-inked quill, he busied himself by giving all of the Slytherin students top marks, while at the same time failing the Gryffindors. A few well-placed snide comments on various parchments finished the task. He was willing to bet his last Galleon that the entire castle would be hearing Granger's screams of horror upon seeing her first failing mark on a test.

Just then, he heard the door to the cottage open. Todd's shriek reverberated through the small room, nearly making Severus laugh.

"Oh my heavens! What **have** you done? This....this.... Oh! Severus! Really, I thought we talked about going for a 'calm, relaxing' look, not the 'Gothic horror' look! When you said 'green', I thought that you meant a nice pastel green. Not.... **this**! Oh, dear me!" Todd clutched his chest in horror as he gasped at the newly decorated room.

"You don't like it? Pity. I find it most relaxing," Severus purred.

Todd pressed his hand to his mouth as he gaped at Severus standing in the door of the living room, resplendent in his black robes and looking like a perfect Muggle vision of a vampire. Casting his horrified eyes over the room, he caught sight of himself in the foyer mirror.

"What are you looking at, you prissy, tarted-up little queen?" shouted the mirror.

Todd hit the floor in a dead faint with a resounding, and decidedly ungraceful, thud.

"What are you looking at, you prissy, tarted-up little queen?" shouted the mirror.

Todd hit the floor in a dead faint with a resounding, and decidedly ungraceful, thud.

Amused, Severus seriously considered just leaving the little twit lying on the floor--things would be ever so much easier that way. However, he decided that he might as well revive him. Reaching for his wand, he was just about to speak "Ennervate!" when a thought occurred to him.

He knelt on the floor, gave the limp decorator a resounding slap on the cheek and began to shake him vigourously. Well, perhaps a little more vigourously than necessary, but no one had ever accused Severus Snape of doing a half-assed job, no matter how mundane the task.

"Owwwww! That **smarted**!" the quickly recovered Todd squawked as Severus continued shaking him like a terrier with a rat. " **Professor**! Really! I'm **quite** alright--you **can** stop now! Ohhhhhh!"

"Oh dear. I **do** hope that I was not too....forceful," Severus sneered as he let go of the collar of Todd's pale lavender robes. "I merely wanted to ensure that you regained consciousness in a **timely** manner. I do believe that **you** were the one who said that 'time is of the essence' in this little endeavour?" He stood up regally and towered over the indignant decorator, who was still sitting on the floor.

Todd stood quickly, brushing off his pale robes. He glanced at Severus appraisingly. "Professor, it would appear that you haven't changed into your **official** Trading Spaces robe! Naughty, naughty!"

"It would also appear that you failed to understand me last night when we discussed that vile garment. I distinctly remember telling you that I will **not** be wearing it," Severus said in a icy tone as he folded his arms imperiously across his chest.

"Those robes were designed by Seymore **himself**! He will be absolutely **distraught** if you don't wear them. He will just **die** , I'm sure of it!" Todd was getting that wheedling tone in his voice again.

"I am quite certain that he will survive the trauma."

"Well, he is going to be **very** upset. After all, it **is** an important part of the show. I would **hate** to see him have to get **stern** with you, Professor Snape." Todd wagged his finger towards Severus.

"Oh, on the contrary, I would quite enjoy seeing him attempt to get stern with me," growled Snape as he advanced on Todd, backing him up against the wall. "I can assure you that it would be a mistake of most epic proportions."

Todd's eyes widened. "Yes, well....of course. I can see that you feel quite **strongly** about this, so.....we will just..... **dispense** with the robes for the moment, shall we?"

"A wise choice. Speaking of choices, I would like to see what you have managed to procure in the way of furniture to replace the moth-eaten rubbish currently residing in this derelict domicile." Severus whirled about and made his way to the living room, glaring down at the old couch with an expression of deep loathing.

"Yes, well, I do think that I found some **excellent** bargains, oh, indeed! Lovely pieces, really. However....I'm **not** quite sure they'll **exactly** fit in with your rather..... **interesting** choice of decor!" Todd looked about in dismay at the forboding colours and fixtures of the newly decorated room. With a dramatic sigh, he flicked his wand at the door to allow the new furniture to float into the living room. Using a quick restoration charm, he transformed them back to their original size.

Severus curled his lip at the sight of the new pieces. Running his hand over the heavy texture of the tapestry fabric of the couch, he noted the colours. Neutral tans and beiges, with hints of forest greens, earthy browns and a bit of slate blue in the woodsy, masculine pattern. The wood accents were of a medium-dark walnut, which matched the simple, graceful lines of the new walnut end tables and coffee table. Turning to the two new wingback chairs, he saw that they were of the same durable material as the couch, but in solid shades of a muted forest green.

"Hmmmmm, not exactly what I had in mind, but that can be dealt with easily enough. It is certainly far better than the miserable quality that Black and Lupin are accustomed to," Severus murmured as he surveyed the original furniture with barely disguised disdain. "Time, I think, to relegate this to the rubbish pile where it belongs."

Flicking his wand, he reduced the old furniture to the size of matchboxes and sent it hurling into the fireplace. "Incendio," he snapped and orange flames leapt up to destroy the pieces.

Meanwhile, Todd had busied himself by placing the new furniture in its proper place in the room. He clucked his tongue at the sight of the new paint, drapes and rugs chosen by Snape. How that man thought that **this** was pleasant was beyond him. He must surely live in a mausoleum! Dreadful, just dreadful! Reaching for one of the tablelamps, Todd shrieked as the serpent lunged at him, hissing menacingly. Dropping the lamp to the floor, he jumped up on the couch, clutching his chest and squealing.

"Dear me, I **did** forget to mention that bit of information, didn't I?" Severus drawled in his mellifluous voice. With a wave of his wand, he sent the lamp to its place on the new table.

"Oh, Professor, **really**! That is just **horrible**! I cannot **believe** that you expect Messers Black and Lupin to actually **like** that sort of thing!" Todd wailed from his perch on the back of the couch.

"Get off that couch, you ninny. And, for the record, I frankly do not care if they like it or not. I am here because the Headmaster saw fit to humiliate me in this reprehensible manner, not because I wish to please a couple of hormone-crazed deviants."

Todd hopped down, making certain to leave a wide berth between himself and the serpentine tablelamps. "Well, really, you **should** at least try to have **fun** with it! After all, not **everyone** is privileged enough to be chosen to appear on 'Trading Spaces'! We **are** one of the most popular programmes on the Wizarding Television Network, you know. Just think--all of your friends will be **ever** so envious of you when they tune in and see the **illustrious** Professor Severus Snape appearing on our little show!"

"I highly doubt that any of **my** acquaintances would deign to watch this inane programme, unless they have been subjected to the Imperious curse repeatedly," sniffed the raven-haired wizard as he surveyed the living room.

"Oh, you'd be **surprised** at how many people just **adore** our show! Why, I have it on **very** good authority that none other than the Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge **himself** , tunes in religiously!" Todd swelled with importance.

"Hmmmphhh. Somehow, that does **not** surprise me. Now, get out of my way before you become part of the decor," Snape growled as he brandished his wand.

With a cloud of black sparks, he turned the comfortable and masculine tapestry fabric of the couch into shiny black satin. Turning to the green wingback chairs, he quickly transformed them into black satin upholstered parlour chairs with legs formed into the shape of heavy serpent bodies.

"Oh! Professor, must **everything** in this room look as though it belongs in a Muggle **horror** film?!? Black **satin**? Oh, that is just **not** practical for a living room, not in the **least**!" wailed the distraught designer.

Todd was becoming frantic. This was simply **not** turning out to the way that he had planned. Most of the participants on the show were more than happy to let the designers make all of the decisions regarding the new look. This Snape fellow was taking over and dismissing **all** of his ideas. Evidently his mum did **not** teach him to work and play well with others.

Figuring that getting Snape to change his mind regarding the black satin was a lost cause, Todd flounced over to the area of the room that housed Lupin's desk and bookcase. "Ummm, Professor? I also managed to acquire a new office set at a **most** reasonable price--this one is just **groaning** beneath the weight of all these books. Really, I am **ever** so surprised that it hasn't simply **collapsed** already!"

Removing the books and stacking them in the corner, Todd quickly emptied the old bookcase and reduced it in size, casting it off to one side. As Severus perused the titles of Lupin's library, Todd brought in the new bookcase and positioned it along the wall. Somewhat larger than the old one, it was of the same dark walnut as the rest of the new furniture, with a modest pediment on the top. The new desk matched it perfectly, and was also significantly larger than the battered old rolltop.

Todd began to replace the books, but stopped when Severus barked "Leave that to me!" The Potions instructor began meticulously setting the books on the shelves in alphabetical order, as well as in order of subject. He loathed anything being out of place and could not fathom how Lupin found **anything** in this disordered pile. Although he seriously doubted that his efforts would be appreciated by the werewolf, at least the man would see what a well-ordered library **should** look like.

"My heavens, just **look** at the time!" Todd's chirpy voice interrupted Severus' concentration on his task. "I really **must** be getting back to the inn. It would seem that our first day of decorating has just **flown** by!"

The little decorator rushed about, gathering his notes and bags. "Well, dear Professor, I will bid you good night! It's been an..... **interesting** day of decorating, to say the least. But, tomorrow we shall begin anew! I shall see you bright and early in the morning!" With a cheery wave, Todd darted from the house.

Severus was more than happy to see him leave. The man's endless chatter was ringing in his ears. While he dreaded spending yet another night in this wretched cottage, at least it would be quiet. He finished ordering the books, then sank back onto the couch. One more day of enduring that simpering fop's company was enough to make him look forward to teaching those idiotic students again. Amazingly enough, he found that even instructing that thick-headed Longbottom was preferable to spending one more moment with Todd Snogwell.

After rummaging through the kitchen and finding enough cold roast chicken, bread and cheese for a filling, albeit simple meal, Severus made himself comfortable on the couch. He smiled to himself as he thought of the Dastardly Duo's reaction to their newly decorated living room. However, his self-satisfied smirk faded quickly as he thought of the devastation that was likely being wrought upon his own quarters.

With that rather depressing image foremost in his thoughts, Severus pulled his cloak around himself and settled in for the night. _Merlin, what this is going to do to my back_ he thought sourly. Still, it was preferable to spending one moment in Black and Lupin's bed.

"Probably full of fleas anyway," he grumbled to himself before falling into a less than restful sleep.


	6. Meanwhile Back at the Bat Cave

Remus padded barefoot to the heavy doors, humming quietly to himself as he pushed one hand back though his heavy, shower-damp hair and brushed it lightly off his forehead. He then opened the doors to reveal a beaming Kyle who waited patiently behind a trolley laden with a large wooden crate, a silver tea service, and a basket of what appeared to be breakfast pastries.

Remus smiled warmly at the young decorator and murmured in a distracted voice, "Good morning, Kyle," as his golden eyes rested apprehensively on the **silver** tea service.

"Good Morning, Remus!" Kyle smiled eagerly. "I suppose you're wondering what's in the crate?"

Remus nodded, large amber eyes still nervously regarding the tea set. Well... he supposed, there was nothing to do but let Sirius do the pouring and such. With a good deal of relief he noticed the tea cups were porcelain at least, ... ahhh, but the blasted spoons were silver. Well... he'd have to let Sirius prepare his tea as well. Unfortunate circumstance since Sirius never added quite enough sugar to suit his liking.

Kyle grinned and motioned towards the tea service and basket. "I brought tea and scones also, as you can see. I apologize for being early, but I could hardly sleep last night. I have soooo many wonderful new ideas that will help to brighten this place up! I stayed up more than half the night scratching them down," he chuckled.

"Ummm... I trust you and Mr Black slept well?" he then hedged politely, noting the slight shadows under the professor's vibrant eyes.

Kyle had never quite seen **such** vibrant eyes in fact. They were truly golden. He wondered if the good professor used a subtle glamour spell to please his lover. But.... well, that did not quite fit exactly. From what Kyle had seen, the dashing brunette wizard was so obviously besotted with the gently handsome professor that said professor did not need charms to enhance his appeal for his lover.

Kyle's inner monologue was interrupted by Remus who smiled and nodded, holding the door wide so that the designer could roll in the trolley.

"Oh yes, Sirius and I passed a very pleasant night indeed. Thank you."

Kyle smiled and winked. "I'm sure you did. But... well, I rather do hope that you did get some modicum of rest because I have a very full schedule for us today!"

"I'm sure you do," Remus answered dryly, chuckling a bit.

Sirius, having now slipped on a T-shirt, prowled into the room, face wreathed with a warm, welcoming smile for his and Remus' guest. "Top o' the morning, Kyle!" he called, pulling his long dark hair back into a sleek tail.

Kyle flushed and smiled a bit shyly. "Good morning, Sirius."

"Breakfast! Oooh, that's a good lad! Kyle has brought us breakfast, Rem!" Sirius smiled, strolling up and plucking a hot scone from the basket. He tore eagerly into the scone and nodded towards the crate and asked around a mouthful of scone, "What's all this, then?"

Kyle smiled and lifted the tea tray, setting it on the coffee table. "Go ahead and take a sneaky peaky," he grinned, as he sat down to make himself a cup of tea.

Remus sauntered over to his lover's side and peeked in the box beside him. Inside were all sorts of objects, including a golden orb, buckets of paint, what looked to be carpet remnants, some cottony batting substance, packets of seed, and two very full glass bowls containing live Koi fish. Remus arched his eyebrow at the fish and glanced up at Sirius who shrugged.

"Would you gentleman like a spot of tea?" Kyle asked.

"Yes, indeed! Thanks," Sirius said, crossing the room to sit down on the hearth across from the coffee table. Remus moved to sit beside him, giving him a pointed look regarding the tea items.

Sirius caught on and felt a pang of guilt that he hadn't noticed the silver earlier. "Here, love, let me fix your tea," he quickly amended, smiling brightly. "I know just how you like it."

He reached out and picked up the silver tea pot, pouring the gently steaming amber brew into cups for Remus and for himself. "How much sugar?" he asked, pleasantly surprising Remus who murmured "Three, please."

Sirius nodded and quickly stirred in the cubes. He handed Remus his tea and picked his own up, settling back against the stones of the hearth. "So, Kyle, what is all that rubbish in the crate for anyway?"

Remus flushed at Sirius calling the decorating items 'rubbish' but Kyle seemed to take no offence. "Oh, just a few little items I thought we could perhaps use in our decorating endeavors. Paint, carpeting and what-not."

"And the fish?" Remus asked curiously over the rim of his teacup.

"Oh, yes, that's for the Koi pond and fountain," Kyle beamed.

"And the batting?" Sirius asked and Remus chuckled. Sirius arched his brow at his lover in question.

"Batting, Siri? I didn't even know you knew what that was!" Remus grinned.

"Oh, har har, Remy. Yes, I do know what cotton batting is, you nit!" Sirius answered before rolling his eyes at Kyle. "Honestly, the man thinks I'm a domestic idiot."

Remus chuckled over his tea cup and sipped again. Sirius glanced over at his mirthful lover, and Remus smiled and winked warmly at him. Sirius smiled in return, wanting nothing more at that moment than to simply pull that gorgeous amused creature into his arms and smother the smile off his handsome face with a long, sucking kiss.

Kyle smiled at their antics and answered, "Well the batting has a special two-fold purpose. I couldn't help but noticed that our dear Potions Master is rather lacking pillows on that massive bed of his, so I brought some materials and such to make a few new, extra fluffy pillows, and... well, I thought we might use the left over bits for clouds."

"Pardon?" Remus asked, smiling politely.

Kyle sat down his tea cup and walked over to the crate, pulling out a long expanse of green carpet. "Well, to go along with our garden theme, I thought that we might paint the ceilings blue and add in the odd fluffy cloud here and there. For flooring, I have this carpet which will be used to cover the entirety of the floors."

"That remnant?" Sirius asked curiously.

Kyle nodded. "Oh no, I'll have to expand it to its proper size again," Kyle laughed. "Then we'll cover the floors with it. Once it's properly situated on the floor, I'll do a quick enhancement charm on it and it will appear and feel exactly like real grass -- even sports a few modest blooms here and there."

Remus nearly choked on his tea at the idea of Severus Snape padding through an in-chamber grassy meadow every day. "Oh, Sev will adore that," he chuckled, as he nonchalantly buttered a scone.

Sirius grinned. "How authentic is it? I mean, does it get weeds and bugs and mold and the like, just like the genuine article?"

Kyle laughed at that. "Oh no! Nothing quite so **genuine** as that, I'm afraid."

"Pity," Sirius grumped slightly, taking another huge bite of scone.

"Have you gentleman any unique ideas as to decorating these chambers?" Kyle asked, gently laying down one remnant of the carpet/grass.

"Hmmm... I rather think that as long as we veer directly opposite, decor-wise that is, of dear Sev's choice of 'Mausoleum Chic' look, we'll be doing alright!" Remus smirked.

Sirius snorted in reply and nodded, chewing thoughtfully.

Kyle slapped his hands together and said, "Well, then, as soon as you've had your breakfast, we'll get started! I've taken the liberty of jotting down a few ideas for us to begin with. That way, we can each work in separate areas to accomplish our tasks more quickly, but we'll still be working under a unified decorating vision!"

Remus smiled indulgently at the decorator's grandiose enthusiasm and nodded politely, knowing that Sirius would choose to do whatever he wanted to, whether it was written on the parchment or not.

"I'm ready!" Sirius announced, rising eagerly to his feet. Remus sighed and finished his tea before rising himself.

Kyle smiled and handed both men small rolls of parchment. "Okay, Sirius, you have the left side of the main chamber and I'll take the right, and Remus, you have the bedroom."

Sirius gaped. "Wait! No, I think I should do the bedroom!"

Remus tucked the parchment securely down into his robe pocket. "No, Paddy, I think I'd rather enjoy redoing the bedroom. Besides, I'm not **quite** as vindictive as you!" Remus chuckled.

"Says you!" Sirius laughed. "Remus, come on! You're every bit as naughty and vindictive and have as much a Marauding soul as I do! You're just more clever at hiding it!"

Remus smiled. "Yes, well, that may be true. And, that being the case, I believe I am as capable of ... err... **surprising** Severus with my interior design as you, my love."

Sirius sighed loudly in defeat, shoulders slumping. He turned to regard Kyle with his bright eyes. "Okay then, so if I finish my part fairly quickly, can I join Remus in the bedroom?"

Kyle laughed and shook his head. "Oh, I think not, Mr Black! I fear that Mr Snape's quarters would never be done on time should I allow the two of you in the bedroom at the same time!"

Remus flushed and Sirius chuckled, shrugging, "Well... yes, there is that!"

"Indeed," Kyle smiled. "Now then, I'll just ask the two of you to slip on your robes and I'll set up the camera and we'll begin."

Remus paled. "Oh... Kyle, err... well, I wonder if I might beg off wearing the robe, if I may?"

Kyle smiled and shook his head. "I'm sorry, Professor, but no. That's a firm Trading Spaces rule -- you must wear the robes."

Remus scowled darkly and looked to Sirius for help. Sirius' eyes widened and he chewed his lip for a moment before finally pleading, "Look, Kyle, no offense but... well, let's be frank, the robes are bloody ridiculous, aren't they? I mean, they don't exactly look like the sort of items that two grown **men** would wear, do they?"

"But I designed them myself," Kyle wailed, slapping his hand to his chest in horror.

Remus' mouth fell open and he quickly stammered, "Oh.. oh,... err... actually, the robes are quite lovely... very,.... well, they're very colourful, but ... well, I mean, what Sirius rather meant to say was they're just not the style he and I are accustomed to. I do hope you'll forgive us. We meant no disrespect in regards to the... err... the robes or to your... your fashion sense or anything of that sort... err..."

"What Moony means is he's sorry that I made an arse of myself by insulting your robes. Sorry, mate, no harm intended," Sirius amended.

Kyle chuckled. "I'm sorry too. I was only kidding. I did not design those silly things! Good lord! If I did, I certainly wouldn't claim to have done so! Actually, our good host Mr Fancie designed those illustrious garments -- they do bear his unique stamp, wouldn't you say?"

Remus slumped in relief and smiled. "Yes, I would have to agree with you."

Sirius laughed. "So, we don't have to wear them, then?"

Kyle smiled a bit hesitantly. "Oh, well, I'm afraid you do actually have to wear them. Sorry."

"Bloody hell," Sirius swore under his breath as he brushed past Remus to put on the **ridiculous** robe.

Remus gazed pleadingly at the young designer. "Can I at least change the colour of my robe? I mean... it's rather... pink, you know?"

Kyle smiled apologetically, "Yes, Remus, I know and I'm sorry, but... well, there's no use in trying. Seymore was so pleased at his robes and colour choices, he charmed them to repel stains and retain their original **glory** and by that, I do mean their atrocious shade."

Remus frowned, scrubbing a hand back through his drying tawny hair. "Bollocks," he grumped as he turned to follow Sirius into the bedroom to change into his own rankling raiment.

~~

Sirius frowned in distinct displeasure at his reflection in the charmed mirror. He almost took the charm off as it was disgusting enough to have to view himself clothed in attire that that flashy poof Gilderoy Lockhart wouldn't be caught attending a Wizard Bingo match in, but to see himself in the horrid blue robe, festooned with tiny, multi-colored pillows and wee candles, topped by a frizzy balding head was just too much for him to take. He growled in frustration wondering why Remus had gotten so quiet in the loo suddenly.

He strolled up to the door and knocked softly. "Moony? You okay? You're not ill, are you?"

For a moment there was no sound, but then Sirius finally heard Remus' muffled reply. "Sirius, I refuse to be seen outside this loo attired like.... like this," he spat, "much less on Wizarding TV. This is just... it's entirely too much."

"Awww... come on, babe, it can't be as bad as all of that! Wait till you see me! I look like a sodding idiot." He paused and continued, "A very blue, pillow/candle festooned idiot!"

"Yes, well, at least you don't look like a **pink** poofy, prissed-up Nancy boy like I do! I'm not coming out there, Sirius! I'm serious, Sirius! You tell Kyle that this ... this is just too much. That I'm very bloody sorry but I just can not wear this ruddy robe! I mean... cor! All I need is a big yellow wig and a padded bosom to complete the look! I look like some floozy host of a second-rate gardening show on Knockturn Alley!"

Sirius guffawed. He couldn't help it. He started laughing uproariously at his lover's heated diatribe. To hear that rich, mellifluous voice so heartily and colourfully complaining was a rare treat indeed.

"I'm glad it's so damn funny to you, Paddy!" Remus growled, truly getting irritated now.

"I...haaaa ha...I'm sorry, love, but...heh heh,... you just sound funny going off like that," Sirius gasped.

Finally Remus jerked open the door and Sirius was presented with the vision of a gorgeous werewolf with fire blazing in his wide gold-flamed eyes, long hair brushed back off of strong, determined shoulders, nostrils flaring -- an unnerving sight that was slightly neutered by the very effeminate rosy robe that fell in shimmering waves about his form, the multi-hued posies sparkling against the fuchsia fabric.

Sirius bit his lip to keep from laughing. His mouth twitched insanely and Remus gazed imperiously at him. "I look a right fool, don't I?" he groaned in despair.

Sirius finally managed to sputter, "No, **I** look a right fool, Moony. **You** look a right fairy!" He barely got the last word out of his mouth before dissolving into gales of laughter, tears of mirth pouring over his cheeks.

"Oh yes, you're so amusing. You notice I'm dying of paroxysms of laughter," Remus sniped sardonically.

Kyle peeked his head into the room and had to bit his tongue to keep from laughing at the sight of the formerly sexy ebony-haired wizard and the formerly-dignified golden-haired professor now looking ... well, a bit silly in their over-the-top robes.

Remus turned and held his arms out, revolving once in a full circle before regarding Kyle. "I ask you this, Kyle. Is the purpose of the robe to humiliate and degrade the wearer because if so, it works like the proverbial charm. Surely, Sirius and I can't be expected to work in these things?"

Kyle sighed. "I truly am sorry, Professor, but... yes, you really do have to wear them."

Sirius smirked. "Well, Moony, one thing for sure, as idiotic and ridiculous as we look, just imagine ol' Hosenose in his! Ha!"

The corner of Remus' smile twitched up at Sirius' comment and he reluctantly smiled. The image **was** a quite amusing one. For one long moment, Remus indulged himself in a mental vision of imposing, dour Snape in a bright purple, paint-can bedecked robe.

Sirius smiled and leaned up, sliding his arms around Remus' waist as he nipped playfully on his lover's ear, "Remus, you're still ravishing, even in this silly poofy robe. You'd be beautiful to me in a potato sack."

Remus smiled and chuckled, "I'd rather wear a potato sack than this ruddy thing. In fact, I'd rather wear a house elf's pillow case than this!"

Sirius smiled wickedly, "Mmmhhh, I'd rather you wear a pillow case too, Moony! Get to see those sexy legs and when you bend over, might get a peek at that very tight..."

"Padfoot!" Remus blushed, hurriedly disentangling from his lover's embrace even as he flashed a quick warm smile at Sirius. Trust dear Siri to always make him feel loved, even in his most self-disgusted moments.

Sirius winked and sighed. "Well, love, are you ready for your close-up?"

Remus' brow contorted in a brief spasm of a frown before smoothing again. "As ready as I'll ever be, I suppose," he sighed heavily.

Kyle smiled and clapped his hands together. "Alright then! Let's decorate!"


	7. Reductions and Remnants

"I think... that..." Kyle paused for a moment tapping a long finger against his chin. He finally nodded and smiled, "yes, I think that would work quite nicely...."

"What would work nicely?" Sirius asked, scowling as he impatiently tugged down his robes, which seemed to want to ride up in a rather unflattering manner in the front. "Kyle," he grumped, "I hate these bloody robes! Makes me look as if I have a ... a ...well, a bit of a ....."

"Bit of a paunch?" Remus finished smoothly, mischief burning in his amber eyes.

Sirius turned to regard Remus with wide eyes, "Yeah! It really does, doesn't it? Makes me look bloody paunchy!"

"You're such a peacock, Paddy," Remus chuckled, "It does not. I just knew that was what was bothering you."

"The colour is actually very flattering on you," Kyle demurred, wishing the couple was not quite so fixated on their blasted robes.

Sirius' lip curled up in a sneer, "How come the bloody thing keeps riding up like this? What's wrong with it?"

Kyle rolled his eyes and turned to dig in the crate, pulling out the neatly rolled green remnants. Perhaps he could divert their attention from the robes by getting the decorating project started.

"Here, let me see if I can lengthen it for you," Remus said, striding over to stand before his lover. "You're probably just a bit too tall for it is all."

The robe was rolling up rather alarmingly at the bottom now and it seemed to be doing so at a brisk rate. Sirius watched with some trepidation. "It must be charmed or....or...cursed! That's got to be it! I just know that greasy git did something to my robes while I wasn't looking. Trust Snape to do something like that, the bloody snake. Do something, Moony, before the family **jewels** are revealed to thousands on the bloody telly!"

"Oh, Paddy, do settle down! First off, Kyle hasn't set up the cameras. We're not being filmed yet..." Remus began before Kyle snickered softly. Remus turned an appraising glance towards the decorator.

Kyle laid down a remnant and smiled sheepishly at Remus. "Actually, I set up the cameras when you two were changing into your robes."

"Oh Merlin's Knob, man, you're joking!" Remus gasped.

Kyle shook his head. Remus flushed scarlet and Sirius chuckled. "Well, won't the students be surprised to hear their favourite professor use such colourfully choice words to describe his Trading Spaces attire!"

"That's not funny, Paddy," Remus sighed, turning to Kyle again. "Did you film that, Kyle? My... my displeasure regarding my robes?"

"The camera might have picked it up, but we'll be sure to edit out the unflattering bits, Remus. No worries," the young designer smiled.

Remus breathed out slowly, an expression of immense relief crossing his aristocratic features. "Thank you."

He then turned to regard his still mirthful mate and arched a golden brown eyebrow at him, trying to maintain his usual air of composure now that he knew he was being captured on film for posterity. He leaned in closer and whispered, "I don't know why you're laughing, Siri. The camera probably caught you primping earlier -- bald and blue -- in front of the charmed mirror.

It was Sirius' turn to flush. Remus smiled and winked fondly at his pink-cheeked lover.

With a small growl of impatience, Sirius jerked Remus' wand from his hands and pointed it down at the curling fabric, "Extendo!" he barked. And...nothing...(or so it appeared) happened.

But then....

Remus' eyes widened and he then turned a pale face towards Kyle, gritting his teeth."Turn off the bloody camera. Turn it off now!"

"What? Why?" Kyle asked.

"Oh bloody hell!" Sirius gasped, gazing down and seeing the cause of his mate's alarm. "Oh shit! Bollocks! Kyle, turn off the fucking camera right this minute!!"

Kyle frowned at the two frantic wizards and, with a grunt of disapproval, he aimed his wand at the floating orb and murmured, 'Terminus'. The orb clicked and hovered in place, no longer filming the participants.

"Now, would you gentleman please tell me what..." Kyle turned to see Remus kneeling down on his knees before his lover, groping frantically under the brunette's robes.

"Oh **no**! No, no, no!" the normally laid-back young man stammered in shocked disbelief, shaking his finger. "You had me turn off the camera so you two could indulge in a little private 'Hide the Wand'. Honestly! I thought you two were more professional... and mature and..."

"We're not fucking around, Kyle," Sirius grunted, blue eyes as wide as saucers in his burnished face. "Remus please, please, honey, make it normal again. Here, let me try!"

"No, Sirius! That's what you get for snatching my wand away from me like that! Hang on. You messed up quite royally here... now just let me fix it," Remus countered heatedly.

"Don't.... don't shrink it too much, love," Sirius begged, eyes nearly tearing up at the thought.

"I'm not. I believe I know quite well what your ... ahhh... your dimensions are, Sirius. Just hold up the robes, would you?" Remus muttered.

Sirius nodded, biting his lip. "I'm such an idiot," he moaned.

"It was a mistake, darling, and a fixable one at that. Stop fretting and do hold still," Remus murmured, sliding a cool hand up and down Sirius' thigh to calm him.

"OHHH! Remy, don't do that, love," Sirius pleaded, "it'll just...become ... errr... **more** of an issue."

"Ahh yes, I see that," Remus commented dryly.

Meanwhile the designer, after having figured out exactly what the problem was, flushed as crimson as his auburn-toned locks. He cleared his throat and turned away so that the other two would not see the smile he was fighting in vain to suppress.

Sirius bit his lip so hard the faint taste of coppery blood spilled onto his tongue as he closed his eyes, whining softly.

Remus held his wand out before him, aiming it at Sirius' own very private **wand**. "Now, hold still," the werewolf whispered and he glanced up to see Sirius nod quickly, eyes closed, throat working convulsively.

"It's okay, love, I promise not to reduce it too much. That would errr...well, shall we say... well, suffice to say, it would bother **me** as much, if not more than..."

"Oh Remus, get a move on, would you?" Sirius gritted his teeth impatiently.

"Yes, yes. I'm sorry," Remus murmured, as he aimed his wand carefully and murmured "Reducto." He watched with some nervousness as the flesh gradually reduced to its normal-- though still quite impressive, he mused-- size.

When he was satisfied visually that everything had returned to its proper proportions, he quickly slid his hand over the warm, pulsing cock, gripping it gently, testing its heft and girth. _Ahh yes, all is as it should be._

"There now," he murmured, gently tucking Sirius back into place. "Good as new and no harm done."

Sirius cracked open one eye and slid his hand down, copping a quick feel. Satisfied that nothing had changed for the worst, he sighed loudly, pulled Remus to him in a grateful embrace, leaning down to press a brief but heated kiss to the sweet smooth lips below his.

Remus smiled against his lips and pulled away, blushing slightly from the passionate but grateful kiss.

Sirius sighed. "Thank you, Moony love. Ohh... wow! That's enough excitement to get the ol' ticker jumping first thing in the bloody morning!"

Kyle turned, his face still slightly reddened. "Is.... is everything alright then?"

Remus smiled pleasantly. "Yes, all is as it should be. We're sorry for the interruption and if we were a little terse with you earlier, Kyle."

Kyle smiled and brushed his hand in the air. "Ohh, it's fine. No matter. I'm just glad everything is ... ahh... okay."

Sirius grinned. "Yeah, all's well that ends well. Remus took care of it."

Remus smiled impishly and leaned in to whisper, "I must say though, Paddy, that's a first -- my **reducing** that part of your anatomy."

Sirius laughed and winked. "Well, now, that's the truth!"

Kyle cleared his throat and both men turned to regard him languidly. The designer's eyes cast down skeptically over Sirius' robes and he shook his head. "Your robes **are** rather unruly, Mr Black. I'm afraid we have no choice but to let you work in your regular attire or else we would have to broadcast this on a restricted channel," he laughed lightly.

Sirius crowed in glee and he watched as Remus' previously serene face contorted with envy. With a quick glimpse at Kyle, Remus surreptitiously aimed his wand down at the foot of the atrocity he wore and murmured softly.

Laughing, Sirius watched as Remus turned back towards Kyle, triumph sparking within the molten gold of his eyes. "Oh dear," he muttered, pointing down at his robes, "it appears whatever unseemly design disaster that has affected Sirius' robes has also most unfortunately affected mine as well."

Sirius smirked at Remus and shook his head, laughing softly. As Kyle tutted over the unruly robes, Remus winked at his lover above the designer's bent head.

"You're bad," Sirius mouthed.

Remus grinned. "Me?" he mouthed back, batting his eyelashes in faux innocence.

Kyle shook his head sadly. "Seymour will be most unhappy, but... yes, Professor, it appears there is something rather the matter with your robes as well. On behalf of Trading Spaces, I do apologize. This has never happened before."

"Quite alright, Kyle," Remus soothed, "besides, it would be a real shame to get paint on this ... lovely fabric."

Sirius nodded in agreement, eyes gleaming. "Well, I'm going to slip on a pair of jeans and we'll get to work, shall we?" he asked.

Remus smoothly slipped his own robes off, revealing that underneath he wore trousers and a slightly wrinkled though nicely tailored shirt. "Yes. There now," he breathed, combing back the hair from his forehead, smiling gently, "I believe I'll work better in this anyway."

Sirius grinned, shaking his dark head, and strode into Snape's bedchamber to slip on his jeans and T-shirt again. ~~~~~~~~~

Sirius emerged from the bedchamber to find his lover gleefully aiming his wand at Snape's imposing furniture and shrinking it down to palm size.

"It's rather cute when it's small like this, isn't it?" Remus chuckled, dangling the heavy settee from one pale hand.

Kyle smiled and nodded his affirmation as Sirius strode up behind Remus, embracing him from behind quickly. Remus smiled and accepted the quick nuzzle before murmuring, "The camera is on again, Siri. Careful..."

Sirius snorted and gazed up at the camera, flashing a quick rude gesture before then offering up his brightest smile. He then turned, gazing about the room, trying to discern what mischief he could do. His gaze fell on the menacing Slytherin tapestry and, with an evil leer, he stalked over to it. He aimed his wand at the tapestry and transfigured it into the proud crest of Gryffindor-- a golden lion rampant on a field of scarlet. He smiled, proud of his wandwork and, sighing, slipped his wand back into the waist of his jeans.

Kyle glanced up and noticed the bright new tapestry. He smiled and shook his head. "Mr Black, I'm afraid that, lovely as the new tapestry is, well, it will rather clash with our garden theme, don't you think?" he murmured.

Sirius' mouth turned down into a pout and he nodded glumly. "Damn shame, that" he muttered, shrinking the tapestry. Suddenly, in a fit of inspiration, he transposed it to reside just over Snape's proud display of his "Order of Merlin".

"What about if it's much smaller and on this wall?" Sirius asked Kyle, pointing at his wandwork. The designer peered up and shrugged. "Well, yes, that's fine. It doesn't just jump out at one like it did before."

Sirius smirked wickedly. "Oh, I have a feeling Snape will notice right away!" he chuckled. He turned to see what his lover was up to and noticed Remus' hands overflowing with miniscule furniture. He walked up and gallantly took them from his mate. "Here, love, I'll put these out of the way."

Remus smiled. "Thank you, Padfoot." The werewolf then turned his attention to the crate and lifted two buckets of paint out. "What colour are we painting the walls?" he asked, taking off the lids to reveal a bucket of pinkish-cream paint and a bucket of sky blue paint.

Meanwhile, Sirius placed the shrunken furniture atop the mantel. He grabbed up the settee and whispered a spell to slip tiny pornographic gay magazines and two dildos under the cushions -- items that would expand as the settee expanded -- and replaced the settee on the mantel before innocently trotting over to assist his lover with the painting.

"Oooh Moony, look pink and blue! Won't Sevvie just die! Oh, he'll **luurve** this, I just know it," Sirius cooed in a trilling falsetto voice.

Remus chuckled. "Oh yes! I think the walls should be pink and the ceiling blue," he murmured, winking devilishly up at his mate.

Sirius snorted. "Brilliant!"

After all the furniture was cleared, Kyle asked Remus and Sirius to gather up the paint buckets and step aside as he put down the carpeting. "Here, I'll assist you," Remus offered, taking one remnant from the designer's hands. Sirius followed Remus' lead and took another.

After some discussion of where the first pieces should be laid, the trio began rolling out the remnants and smoothing them down all about the large outer chamber. Half an hour later, the floors of the main living quarters were covered with vivid, spring green carpet.

Kyle smiled, wiping his hands delicately on an embroidered handkerchief, nodding as he surveyed the room. "Very nice work, gentlemen," he said as he whipped out his wand and with a flourish, waved it a wide circle. Light sparkled out in concentric circles from the wand and radiated outwards to cover the entirety of the room.

"Botanicus," the designer murmured, and Remus and Sirius watched in amused fascination as the carpet did indeed do as promised and became very much like genuine, living fresh green grass. A few seconds later a few bright blooms pushed up from the **grass** , dotting the grassy carpet cheerfully with their vivid splashes of colour.

Remus' shoulders shook with silent laughter as he imagined the look on Snape's face as he walked into this botanic paradise.

"There now!" Kyle smiled. "That looks very nice I think. Do you two approve?"

Sirius' face gleamed with a toothy smile. "Oh yeah, definitely."

"Should I begin in the bedroom?" Remus asked, pulling out the parchment Kyle had given him earlier which contained detailed instructions as to what should be done in Snape's boudoir.

"Yes, please, Remus, that would be excellent. Maybe you could just start by shrinking the furniture. I'll have to..." the designer paused to level a keen appraising look at the couplebefore continuing, "leave you at some point today to do a bit of shopping for some new furniture for Professor Snape, but... well, I trust that you'll continue working when I'm gone. I mean, considering the camera is on and all of that..."

Sirius frowned and Remus smirked. "Yes, Kyle," he laughed lightly, "you may trust me and Sirius to remain dutifully at work while you're away."

"Moony doesn't want to end up on some WTV porn special," Sirius laughed. "No worries, mate."

"Sirius! You're impossible!" Remus flushed, shaking his tawny head as he sighed and sauntered into the bed chamber to begin his work in there.

Sirius watched him go and turned to wink at the designer, whispering softly, "He's a bit moody right now. Almost that time of the month, ya know.."

Kyle nodded distractedly and then, considering the ebony-headed wizard's words, looked up with a bemused expression, finally shaking his head. "Yes, my boyfriend gets testy sometimes too. Unfortunately, Nick is on no monthly schedule. He just gets pissy whenever the mood strikes him, which seems to be the most inopportune moments, like when we're having a dinner party or something of that sort."

Sirius chuckled. "Yeah, I'm lucky. Remus is like clockwork or rather like that geyser in the States -- Old Faithful -- he blows up once a month and then he's done -- back to being sweet, calm Remy again."

Kyle chuckled. "Yes, well at least you know what to expect and Remus seems a good sort."

Sirius smiled indulgently, a bit of a moony expression crossing his handsome features. "Yeah, he is. Very good sort. I **am** fortunate."

Kyle nodded. "Well now, how about you starting on your side of the room, as indicated on your parchment, and I'll take this side and we'll meet in the middle."

Sirius nodded. "Sounds like a plan!"

Remus poked his head back into the chamber. "Kyle, are we putting the grass down in here also?"

The designer nodded. "Yes, if you would just get the furniture out of the way and go ahead and lay down the final remnants, I'll come charm it in a bit."

Remus waved his hand impatiently, smiling quickly. "No need! I can do it. I watched you."

"Ahh, you're a quick study, **Professor** but I suppose that's fitting really," Kyle called out.

Remus laughed and nodded. "Yes, I would think so. Okay then, I'm going to get started in here. Cheers!"

Sirius sighed, wanting so badly to join his lover in his redesign of Snape's bedchamber, but...

"Sirius," Kyle hailed him, interrupting his reverie. "Why don't you begin with the painting."

A cheeky grin spread across the Animagus' features. "Will do!" he called out eagerly, striding over to grab up the pinkish-beige paint. "Let's see if ol' Hosenose works himself into a pink pique over these new, oh-so-colouful walls of his," he muttered, chuckling to himself.


	8. Painted Prats and Panama Jack

Remus surveyed Severus' bedchambers for a moment. So cold and lonely--so very different from the warmth and light with which he and Sirius infused their home. It saddened him, in a way, to think of the dour man who inhabited this drab space. Yes, if anyone needed a bit of light and warmth in his life, it was surely Severus Snape. Remus sighed to himself and sadly shook his tawny head before lifting his wand, intent on the massive bed. Suddenly, a thought struck him.

Frowning with concentration, he lowered his wand and prowled to the chamber door, intent on his question. Upon gazing into the outer chambers, he had to smile at the sight that met his golden eyes, his concerns momentarily flying from his thoughts.

Sirius stood to the side of the room whistling a jaunty tune as he painted merrily with his bright pink paint. In an apparent fit of whimsy, the ebony-haired wizard was painting an excessively long-nosed caricature of Snape on the wall, stepping back every now and again to regard his artistic, though comedic, handiwork.

Kyle looked up, slightly nervous about the approaching deadline for completion of the rooms, and frowned at Sirius' colourful artistry. "Sirius," he protested mildly, "I don't believe Professor Snape would fancy pink portraits of himself painted on his chamber walls."

"Oh, why not?" Sirius laughed, hands on his hips, eyes raking over his pink Snape. "It's a fair resemblance, wouldn't you say? I got the beady eyes, the big schnoz, the sunken cheeks -- yeah, it's him alright!" The animagus grinned widely, quite proud of his artistry, until said artistry regarded him with a baleful pink eye and Severus' low tones muttered darkly, "Oh, you think you are so clever, don't you, Black? Immature idiot!"

Sirius' eyes widened and he gasped, stepping back from the glaring painted figure. Then, at the sound of rich, bubbling laughter emanating from the direction of the bedchamber, he whirled around to see a very amused, playful werewolf standing there, wand aimed at Sirius' art.

"Moony!" Sirius growled teasingly as his tawny-headed lover simply smirked and lazily waved his wand again, blurring the painted Snape until it became nothing but a large pink smudge.

Sirius gasped again. "Moony! My masterpiece! You ruined it, you sneaky git! You ruined my Pink Potions Prat! How dare you!" he teased, silvery blue eyes dancing.

Kyle sighed and closed his eyes, wondering if Todd was faring any better with his teammate than he was with his two lively lovebirds. Granted, Messrs Black and Lupin were quite energetic, friendly company but... they were shite at decorating and design. He really hated to play the bitch card, but... he was afraid they were leaving him no choice.

"Sirius, please continue painting the walls in the normal fashion if you would -- no artistic renderings, if you please. And Remus, if you would, please finish in Mr Snape's bedroom. Have you shrunk the furniture yet?" he asked in an uncharacteristically clipped tone.

Remus blinked in surprise and turned his wide golden eyes to the decorator. "Well, I have reduced and put away the mirror and the dresser and such but not the bed," he answered apologetically.

Kyle nodded. "Well, would you mind doing that then so we could put down the carpeting and begin the painting in there as well?"

"Absolutely," Remus smiled, blushing a bit. He bit his lip and murmured, "Oh, but Kyle, I do have a question. If I shrink the bed, what shall Sirius and I sleep in tonight? I'll simply have to enlarge it again before we go to bed."

Sirius smirked, chuckling madly in the corner where he was diligently aiming his wand at the wall and painting it in proper broad sweeps of peachy-pink colour. "Yeah, Remus, I like the idea of enlarging **it** before **bed** ," he guffawed.

"Oh, you're such a marvelous comedian, Padfoot," Remus dryly retorted, rolling his eyes at Kyle and smirking.

Kyle exhaled loudly. "Look, I don't care if you shrink the bed or toss it out the bloody window -- just so long as it is out of the way for us to paint and carpet the room."

Remus frowned at the sudden change in the decorator's tone and Sirius' back stiffened -- all amusement faded. He didn't like for anyone to get sharp with Remus.

"Yes, alright. I'll just shrink it then, shall I?" Remus murmured turning away.

Sirius glared at the young decorator who sighed again and bit his lip before turning to face Remus. "I'm very sorry, Professor. I didn't mean to go all designer bitch on you. It's just that we're under a fairly tight time frame here and it's already well into the afternoon of our first day and all we've managed to do completely is carpet the outer chambers. But... that's not your fault, so please forgive my impatient tone. After all, you're in there working, while your partner here is pretending to be the Picasso of the Wizarding set."

"Hey! I resent that! I **might** have given Snape a bit of a distorted nose, but it was in the right bloody place," Sirius grumped, provoking a smile on Remus' pensive face.

Kyle chuckled and nodded. "You're right. You know what, I think this would be rather a good time for me to go and buy the new furniture and bits and bobs and so forth. I'll leave you gentlemen to the task of painting. Remus, would you mind helping Sirius paint the walls and ceiling out here. Just leave the bedroom till later."

Remus shrugged. "Yes, that's fine with me."

Kyle smiled. "Thanks, well, I'll only be a little while. Try not to get into too much mischief while I'm away."

Sirius snorted and Remus grinned widely. "When Sirius and I were in school, we were rather well-known for getting into ahhh... well, peccadilloes, you might say."

Kyle laughed, his normal good humour and easy-going nature returning. "I can only imagine."

"That's Merlin's truth," Sirius chuckled, still obediently painting.

Kyle smiled and shook his auburn head before waving goodbye and strolling from the room with a cheery, "See you boys in a bit!"

As the heavy door swung closed behind the designer, a slow smile spread across Sirius' handsome face and he turned to level smoldering eyes at his lightly smirking lover. "Hey Moony, there's something we've never done!"

Remus chuckled. "I'm almost afraid to ask, but I'll chance it anyway. What?"

Sirius grinned and swirled his wand, causing a whirlpool of pink pain to dance, vivid and spinning, in the air. "We've never played about with paint before!"

Remus shook his finger, stepping away from the worrisome whirling paint as he smiled at his brunette mate. "Not true, Padfoot! Have you forgotten what happened when we tried to paint the flat in Godric's Hollow? Hmmm?"

Sirius laughed then, forgetting the paint and causing it to pour in a rosy river to the green grassy carpet below. "That's right! Of course, as I recall you painted **me** instead of the walls."

"Indeed I did," Remus smiled, winking as he aimed his wand at the paint spill and muttered a quick cleaning charm.

"So, perhaps it's time I returned the favor," Sirius leered evilly, arching one silken ebony brow up and down.

Remus chuckled and danced back out of the way of Sirius' eager wand. "Oh, I think not, Siri. I fear Kyle will have both of our heads on the proverbial stake if he comes back to find unpainted walls and a pink-bedecked teammate."

"You were almost a pink-bedecked teammate," Sirius laughed, "if you'd had to wear that ruddy poofy robe. By the way, very clever how you weaseled out of that, darling."

"Thank you, Padfoot, but werewolves do not **weasel** out of anything," Remus smiled archly.

"Oh, true, that. Forgive me," Sirius smirked. "Right then, you proud lycanthrope, how about you putting those oh so clever and talented hands to work by helping me cover these slimy cold walls with this glorious rosy hue!"

"It would be my pleasure, love," Remus purred, stepping up to offer his artistic assistance.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kyle hesitated outside the doors of the chambers, almost afraid to see what mischief the two amorous wizards inside had wreaked in his absence. He closed his eyes for a moment, reciting the small calming meditation that Nick had taught him the year before. After collecting his thoughts, he shifted his parcels in his arms and knocked at the door, scowling at the slithering snake knocker.

Sirius opened the door, handsome face beaming, long hair mussed, shirt splotched with pink and blue paint.

Kyle bit his lip and smiled nervously. "I'm back! I trust everything went well."

Sirius winked and grinned, throwing wide the doors. Kyle stepped inside the chambers and gasped at the bright difference that met his astonished eyes.

Instead of cold, dark stone, the room was now light, with walls the colour of daybreak and the ceiling a vivid, bright sky blue, dusted here and there with soft, fleecy clouds that moved about the ceiling languidly. The designer's mouth fell open as he stared in utterly surprised wonder at the beautiful changes the two wizards had created in the room, and he regretted his prior grousing.

"Oh, this is really lovely," he murmured, spinning around and smiling at the tall, majestic oak tree that Remus was charming to grow in the corner of the room.

Remus turned from the oak after gently transferring a small, fragile robin's nest, complete with mother bird and chirping babies onto a sturdy branch. His calm face was wreathed with a smile as he noted the look of delight that spread across the young decorator's face at his and Sirius' wandwork.

"I gather you approve of our small changes then?" Remus chuckled softly.

"Oh yes, definitely, yes," Kyle grinned. "Very nice indeed! I rather do think now that we shan't have any problems completing our decorating assignment before deadline. The rest of it out here will be filler mostly."

With giddy glee, Sirius bent down to release a small family of crickets he held cupped in his large palms, smiling as they jumped into the grass with seeming delight.

"Crickets and birds?" Kyle asked curiously. "Won't they be a bit noisy? Professor Snape strikes me as the type who relishes his quiet solitude."

"Awww... come on," Sirius cajoled. "We're bringing the outdoors indoors, so that includes nature's sounds, and really crickets and birds are ...."

"Rather ahhh... **melodic** , shall we say," Kyle supplied, smiling as he caught on to the wizards' teasing scheme.

"And cute," Remus laughed, smiling down on the small chirping inhabitants of the nest.

"Right then!" Sirius nodded. "So, Kyle, I started on the pond thingie and waterfall bit at the back there, but I'm not sure what dimensions you wanted. Did you want the waterfall to reach from the ceiling to the floor and spill into the pond, because that's the way I have it now."

"Oh yes, that's brilliant," Kyle answered, putting down his parcels to stroll around the chambers which were quickly looking more and more like a botanic paradise.

Remus hummed to himself as he took the seedlings from Kyle's crate and planted them around the room, smiling to himself as the trees and flowers sprouted up, green and lush and smelling sweetly of fruit and fragrance. He wondered how Sirius would feel about doing something similar to a room in their house. These happy thoughts were suddenly clouded by the piercing dread of what Severus could possible be doing to their cozy home. He shuddered at the thought, willing the worries away, as he bent to unfurl a stubborn leaf.

Kyle smiled and knelt down on the grassy floor to extract from his parcels the shrunken furniture he had purchased. "Gentlemen, let me know what you think," he said, pulling from his bag small pieces of white-washed furniture. "To go with our garden theme, I thought some lovely white wicker pieces would be nice - to give the room a relaxing, summer type feel."

He aimed his wand at one piece of the miniature furniture and enlarged it, revealing it to be a small settee with a bright pink and green gingham padded back and seat.

Sirius snorted imagining Snape's black eyes snapping in aggravation when his gaze fell on that particularly effeminate piece of furniture. He grinned widely, white teeth flashing in his tanned face and he turned his smiling visage on his lover. "Oh, won't Snape just adore his new darling little settee?" he cooed at Remus.

Remus smiled back and nodded. "Oh indubitably, Padfoot."

Kyle grinned. "I'm glad you agree. I also got him a matching pair of Panama Jack chairs with the same fabric backing, and some white wickeshelving for his potions and my favourite find..." He dug around in the parcels, finally pulling free a small, brightly glowing object.

Remus peered down curiously at the delicate item resting in the designer's palm.

"It's a fairy light," Kyle explained, expanding the light fixture so that Remus and Sirius could see it for the lovely and luminous creation it really was. Enlarged, it appeared to be about two feet wide with a glowing bright bulb of shimmering pearlescent light. Ribbons of rainbow hues spilled from it in dancing flashes of twinkling light.

Remus gasped. "Oh, that is beautiful, Kyle," he breathed, reaching out one pale elegant hand to stroke a strand of multi-hued ribbon light.

Sirius nodded in agreement. "Yeah, that really is a pretty amazing light fixture you've got there."

Kyle beamed. "It was the only one left at Evaline's Emporium and I just insisted on it. Of course, I also promised a bit of free advertising to the good lady for being allowed to purchase her lovely wares for half of what they'd normally sell for."

"Would you like a light like that, Remy?" Sirius asked noting the fascination and longing with which the werewolf gazed at the light fixture. Remus had always loved bright, beautiful things.

Remus gazed up at his brunette lover, blinking a bit. "Oh... I believe Kyle said this was the only one left, but it is quite lovely. I suppose, no offense Kyle, that it might be a tad ahh... **delicate** for our home, but I do rather admire it. It will look very nice hanging in here indeed." Remus sighed, running his hand reverently over the light once more and trying to hide his disappointment. It really was an exquisite piece, and far more at home in Snape's elegant quarters than in their simple cottage.

"Right, well, let's get it up then, shall we?" Sirius asked aiming his wand at the glowing light.

While Kyle and Sirius situated the light fixture, Remus enlarged the rest of the new furniture, chuckling at the vision of somber Severus seated in the Panamanian style chair. He arranged the chairs in a loose circle around the settee and then affixed the wicker shelves to the wall just beneath the spreading branches of a small willow. He grinned. Severus wouldn't much like wading past the dipping branches to get to his potions, he imagined.

Several hours later as the evening light spilled rosy from the illusionary sky above the chambers, Sirius yawned and plopped down unto the wicker settee, kicking his long legs out before him. He smiled in satisfaction as he glanced over the room, his gaze moving across the cool grass, the rosy walls and purpling ceiling - stars twinkling above. With a yawn, he aimed his wand at the ceiling, illuminating his own bright dog star in the illusionary heavens.

Remus smiled and settled down into the settee beside his lover, leaning his head back against Sirius' shoulders as he gazed up at the dog star Sirius sparkling brightly against the velvety blackness.

"That's nice, love," he murmured, lifting his own wand at the star and murmuring a charm to brighten it even more and, with a small smile, he added one other tiny enhancement - a small cheerful little bark that echoed silvery and clear through the fragrant, cool chambers.

Kyle fell into one of the chairs beside the pair and smiled, luxuriating in the relief of a job well-done. The outer chambers looked gorgeous and less like chambers than an open, airy evening garden, alight with starlight. He noted the tired twosome across from him, Remus curled close to Sirius, his eyes closed.

"Well," he murmured, "I think it's fine if we call it an evening for today. We'll finish up in the bed chamber tomorrow. Thank you, Remus and Sirius, for all of your wonderful hard work today. You two did a magnificent job. I'm sure Professor Snape will have a fit when he sees what you've managed to do in here."

Remus, his amber eyes still closed, chuckled sleepily and Sirius snorted and murmured drowsily, "Oh, Ol' greasy git will definitely have a fit when he sees this."

"Well, then, I'll leave you two to it then. As far as homework goes..."

At that, the two tired wizards both groaned and Remus opened his sleepy eyes to regard Kyle with a measuring glance.

Kyle laughed and shook his head, "Just clean up the paint drop cloths if you would, that's all. Otherwise, just get some nice refreshing rest and I'll see you two gentlemen in the morning. Again, thank you for all of your hard work!"

"G'night, Kyle" Sirius yawned.

Remus smiled warmly. "Have a nice evening."

"Thank you, you too," the designer smiled and with that he waved and whistled as he made his way through the cool whispering grass to the heavy doors. He opened them and grinned at the odd juxtaposition of the dark, torchlit stony hallway outside contrasted to the paradise he was leaving. He waved one more time and called out a cheery "Ciao" before he closed the door behind him leaving the two weary wizards to smile sleepy, but very satisfied smiles at one another.


	9. Seymore Visits The Cottage

The morning sun could not make its way through the heavy brocade curtains, but Severus knew that it was nearly time to arise. His back was killing him due to his cramped position on the couch all night. He had just managed to swing his legs over the side and contemplate a very strong cup of Earl Grey when a sharp rapping at the front door jerked his senses into focus.

He was only a few steps across the room when the door popped open to reveal Todd accompanied by none other than Seymore Fancie himself. Both wizards were attired in similarly gaudy robes--Severus was quite happy that he had consumed no whiskey the night before. The sight of those two rainbow-hued ninnies combined with a hangover would have likely resulted in his head exploding.

"Good morning, good morning, my dear Professor!" boomed Seymore as he clutched the lapels of his robes importantly. "And how are **you** this fine day? I trust that you slept well?"

Todd leaned over to Seymore and, in a dramatic stage whisper, confided "Our illustrious Professor Snape is **hardly** a little ray of **sunshine** in the morning, Seymore! We'd better let him have his cup of tea and then we can give you the **grand** tour!" He winked at Severus, who glared at him.

"I see. Well, we did bring a bit of breakfast along with us. How about we set that up and brew you some tea, then?" Seymore was still beaming at Severus from the foyer.

"Whatever. I intend to have a quick wash-up. You two can entertain yourselves in the meantime, I would imagine," Severus snapped as he headed toward the bathroom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A short while later, Severus swept into the small kitchen and sat down at the table. The hot shower had refreshed him, at least to the point where he was reasonably sure that he would not hex or curse either decorator in the immediate future. Reaching for a cup and the teapot, he glared over at the two men.

"Now, now, Professor Snape, I notice that you were not dressed in your **official** Trading Spaces robes! Don't tell me that you had to send them out to the Hogwarts house elves for a cleaning **already**!" Seymore flashed a toothy grin.

"No. As I have repeatedly told Mr Snogwell, I do not intend to wear those repulsive robes." Severus sipped his tea, while fixing Seymore with a challenging glare.

"Oh, but Professor **Snape** , I designed those robes myself! I'm sure that you will look quite **dashing** in them and purple **is** the colour of royalty. With your regal bearing, I just can't **imagine** a more appropriate look!" Seymore glanced helplessly over at Todd, who merely shrugged.

"I said no. That is final. Now, do you have a reason for being here, other than to harangue me about that atrocious attire?" Severus raised a questioning eyebrow, his tone telling Seymore that the subject of robes was indisputably closed.

"Well, yes," gulped Seymore. He could see why Todd had come to him nearly in tears the day before. This man was just **impossible**. "I always come over to inspect the proceedings after the first day. I like to make sure that all is going well, that you are staying in budget, that sort of thing. Gives me a chance to impart some of my own decorating ideas to you as well!"

"I seem to have managed quite well in your absence," Severus smirked, finishing his tea.

"Yes, yes, I am quite sure that you have! It's just that our Trading Spaces participants often need my **expert** advice, you know, to make certain that everything is pulled together in perfect order!" Seymore daintily wiped his mouth with his napkin, then stood. "So, how about showing me what you two did yesterday. I just can't **wait** to see the results!"

The three men walked into the living room, Todd nervously twisting the corner of his sleeve. He certainly hoped that Seymore did not think that **this** was **his** choice of design! He had tried to warn Seymore that the imposing professor had insisted on doing all of the decorating himself.

"Lumos," muttered Snape and the black candles of the serpentine chandelier blazed into life.

"Oh. Oh, my. Oh, dear me," Seymore sputtered as he gazed about the room in disbelief. Todd had not been exaggerating in the least about Professor Snape's predilection for dark, oppressive colours. The room was a virtual dungeon!

"I trust that you are pleased with the result?" Snape purred in a silky tone. He was fairly certain that this was the first time that the over-enthusiastic blowhard had ever been at a loss for words.

"Well, ummmm, it is certainly **interesting** , to say the least," Seymore croaked, gazing about in horror. "Don't you find it to be a bit....dark? I mean, for such a small room, that is." Seymore gulped as his eyes took in the black satin upholstery, the black and green rugs and the menacing light fixtures.

"On the contrary, I find it to be most appealing." Snape favoured both men with an icy smile as he folded his arms across his chest. "I am quite pleased with the results. As such, it would appear that I am not in need of your so-called 'expert' advice. Good day." With that, Severus swept past the stunned host with a self-satisfied smirk, and made his way back to the kitchen for a second cup of tea.

Seymore stared at Todd, who gave him the "I **told** you so" look, rolling his eyes dramatically.

"Well, then." Seymore straightened his robes and smiled into the glowing orb of the magical camera. Trying hard to regain his professional composure, he grinned cheekily. "It would seem that Severus Snape and Todd are well on their way to completing this rather, ummm, **dramatic** new look for Professor Snape's colleagues, Mr Black and Mr Lupin. I am just **positive** that they will be **stunned** by the bold and....ummm, **daring** new look of their living room. Now, why don't we go on up to Hogwarts castle to see what Kyle has in store for Mr Snape's quarters. I'm sure that he and Messers Black and Lupin have been hard at work as well!"

With one quick glance backwards at the decidedly Gothic inspired decor, Seymore fled from the cottage. He only hoped that Kyle had had more success in convincing Black and Lupin to remain within more....conventional boundaries as far as decorating.


	10. Into The Wolf's Den

Todd watched Seymore hurry down the lane before he turned to the kitchen to collect the recalcitrant professor. Time to get started on the next portion of the decorating!

"Well, today we shall start working on Mr Black and Mr Lupin's boudoir!" Todd was virtually quivering with excitement. "I have all **sorts** of **lovely** ideas that I'd like to try. And, we only have **one** day in which to transform it into an absolutely **heavenly** retreat for the lovely couple!"

Blithely unaware of the raven-haired wizard rolling his eyes in disgust, Todd continued chattering as he bounced out of the kitchen. "I can just **see** that you can't **wait** to begin work, so shall we?"

Sighing in resignation, Severus rose from the table and followed the cheerful designer down the narrow hallway toward the bedrooms. Todd was waiting for him just outside of Black and Lupin's room, grinning from ear to ear.

"Well, we're not getting **anything** accomplished by just **standing** here like bumps on a log, are we?" he squeaked in delight, beaming over at Severus.

With a flourish, he stood to the side of the bedroom door and flung it open. Sunlight spilled into the sparely decorated room, illuminating the large, comfortable bed draped in its simple ivory comforter.

"Yes, yes, now I think that this room is just **begging** for some more colour. Oh, it's **quite** sweet as it is, but we just need some 'oooommph' in here, you know? Now, I'm thinking that we could go with some **lovely** shades of burnt sienna and maybe some muted golds and bronzes! A nice **masculine** look, but still just **exuding** elegance. Ummmm, Professor? What do **you** think?" Todd watched the dour Potions Master as he strode purposefully into the bedroom.

"I think that what this room needs most is well-lit torch applied to it," sneered the wizard.

"Oh, Professor Snape! You **really** are just **too** much!" giggled Todd. "No, really, what **are** your opinions on the look that we should try to achieve?"

With a superior gaze, Severus perused the room. It was, like the rest of Black and Lupin's home, furnished with various odds and ends collected over the years. Shabby old furniture, simple fabrics, too much airy lightness. He shuddered, wishing more than anything for the dark recesses of his richly appointed rooms back in the dungeons.

"Well, Professor? Have you any ideas regarding the colours that we should use for their **cozy** little love-nest?" Todd tittered as he gathered his parchments and macaw quill. He didn't notice Severus' look of nauseated revulsion at that little comment.

"Considering the fact that this room has seen more action than a dockside brothel, I do believe that perhaps I should like to build upon **that** particular theme." Snape stood in the centre of the room, tapping his foot impatiently as he let his gaze wander over the light, creamy walls and the simple linen curtains.

"Oh my! Professor, your humour is just **too** much!" Todd smiled indulgently. "Really, though, what would **you** like to see accomplished in the redecorating of this **darling** room?"

"Exactly what I said. I would suggest that you begin by removing this decrepit furniture before it falls apart before our eyes." Severus fixed Todd with a withering glare, which caused the astonished decorator to scurry into action.

Severus stood, arms folded, as Todd performed a reduction charm on the old bed and banished the piece of furniture to the hallway outside the room. It would be most interesting to see the reactions of the Carnal Canines as they caught the first glimpse of their modest bedroom transformed into what amounted to little more than a room in a cheap whorehouse. The fact that it would be recorded on camera for the viewing pleasure of the rest of the wizarding world made it all the more satisfying.

While Lupin would most assuredly be mortified, Severus doubted that Black would even care. Likely it would simply fuel his over-active libido even more, the sodding deviant. With a snort of barely disguised disgust, Severus began to dismantle the rest of the room in preparation for its transformation.

Scowling at the numerous framed pictures in the bedroom, Severus conjured up another small box. Really, did those two ever decorate with **anything** besides photos of themselves and that brat?

As he was tossing photos into the box, Severus noticed a simple framed picture in the middle of the chiffarobe. The photograph was, of course, of Black and Lupin. They were quite young in the picture and dressed formally. Likely it had been taken at the Potter wedding, but then how would he know? He'd not been invited, and wouldn't have gone even if he had. Doubtless the Fearsome Foursome would have used it as yet another excuse to torment him publicly. Bastards.

The two wizards in the photo had not noticed him watching them, wrapped up in one another as they were. Neither could take his eyes off the other as they caressed each other's faces gently. Their expressions held such happiness and love, two emotions that Severus had never truly known.

It galled him as he watched Black lightly feather kisses over Lupin's smooth cheek. That arrogant, obnoxious lout had never deserved the soft-spoken Lupin, probably never even appreciated him. Severus had never understood what the scholarly werewolf saw in the vainglorious troublemaker who seemed to live for flouting the rules. There were others far more suited to him, others who could have loved him just as much, had his head not been turned by that flashy, empty-headed peacock.

Angered by these unbidden and most unwelcome thoughts, Severus snatched the frame from its spot and threw it into the box, quickly snapping shut the lid. He was here to 'redecorate' this place, not dwell on long-supressed feelings, and that was damn well what he was going to do.

He sent the box of photos to join the others in the front closet and, with a fierce flick of his wand, slammed the door closed with a little more force than necessary.

The gunshot-loud crack of the door startled Todd, who had been involved in taking various measurements and writing down notes. He jumped like a frightened rabbit, dropping his quill and notes on the floor.

"Oh, **my**! Is everything alright, Professor? You gave me **quite** a start!" Todd looked curiously over at the scowling Hogwarts teacher.

"Everything is just **fine** ," snarled Severus viciously, eyes ablaze. "If you have finished taking those measurements, I should like to get on with this revolting project. The sooner that I can leave this vile room, the better."

In a swirl of ebony robes, the imposing man swept from the room, leaving the young decorator to wonder just what had set off the normally controlled Potions master. He shook his head; there was so much hidden beneath that layer of contempt and disdain--he wondered if anyone had **ever** known the true Severus Snape.

Deciding that it would be best to leave the black-haired wizard alone for a time, Todd began to put his plans for the room into action. Perhaps Professor Snape's sudden exit was not such a bad thing after all; it would afford him a chance to paint the walls in a colour that was more in line with his own vision of what a proper bedroom should look like. After all, he'd spent most of the previous night gathering together fabric, paint and accessories to complete his latest masterpiece. Maybe if Snape actually **saw** it, he would agree to leave it untouched.

He removed a small can from one of the pockets of his robes and tapped it with his wand. Once the paint can was back to its original size, Todd pulled out a swatch of fabric and draped it over one side of the opened can.

Gauging the colour carefully, he spoke "Tingereus" until the paint matched the fabric perfectly. Smiling in satisfaction, Todd aimed his wand and began painting the walls a rich brownish-red. Although the room was not large, the amount of light that streamed in from the window offset the dark colour and made the bedroom seem even more spacious than before.

The room's smooth hardwood floors were of a stain that complemented the newly-painted walls beautifully, so Todd had decided to use a large area rug rather than carpet the entire room. He'd purchased this rug for a previous episode of "Trading Spaces", but it had not matched the decor to his liking. This time, however, it would be perfect.

He carefully positioned the tiny rug in the centre of the room, then pointed his wand toward it. In a flash, the rug returned to its proper proportions. All the colours of autumn in its full glory were contained in the lovely piece. Rich vermillion, muted copper, amber, rust and ocher blended together in a medley of subtle beauty against a background of earthy browns.

Todd could hardly contain his glee; he'd loved the rug the moment that he'd seen it, and knew that he'd eventually find the perfect home for it. He was sure that Messers Black and Lupin would be equally delighted, although Professor Snape was quite another story entirely. Better to go ahead and finish the room before calling **him** in to inspect it.

Oh, Seymore would probably be in an absolute **snit** over the fact that he was doing all of the work and not involving Snape, but then again.....Seymore **had** seen that **dreadful** living room. If you wanted something done **right** , you might as well do it yourself. Besides, proper editing could work **wonders** when getting the final tape ready for the show!

Humming a jaunty tune, Todd reached into his bag and removed a small bronze pole. He waved his wand over it and watched as the curtain rod grew in size and positioned itself over the large window. In keeping with the masculine, outdoorsy feel that he wanted to accomplish, he transfigured the finials of the rod to become heavy oak leaves.

With a flourish, Todd pulled out the draperies that he'd chosen for the room. Running his hand over the fine heavy material, he walked over to the window and began expertly hanging them. Soon, the expansive window was framed with lovely golden fabric of raw silk, which fell in shimmering waves to the floor. It contrasted beautifully with the reddish-brown of the walls, and picked up the splashes of golden hues in the large rug.

Todd stood back against the far wall, smiling to himself with great satisfaction. Now, he needed to get rid of the rest of the furniture so that he could replace it with something more appropriate. He quickly reduced the small bedside table and sent it to join the bed in the hall. With a few well-placed waves of his wand, he emptied the old chiffarobe of its contents which he carefully folded and stored in a box. The chiffarobe was soon banished from the room as well.

Now, to set about refurnishing the room. Todd knew that Madame Evaline had some lovely pieces in her emporium; he and Kyle often shopped there for the show. She was more than happy to give them very nice deals on the items they chose in exchange for the advertisement she received during the programme. He should have enough left in his budget to buy a nice set of furniture, but, regrettably, not an overhead light to replace the old one.

He would have loved to have added a nice, elegant chandelier of some kind to take the place of the rather plain fixture that currently resided there. Well, there was nothing more for it--Seymore would have his head if he went over budget **again**! How Kyle managed to stay within budget **every** week was just **beyond** him.

With one last pleased look at the bedroom, Todd scurried down the hallway to the kitchen. Professor Snape was seated at the table, scowling into a glass of amber liquid.

"Now, now, Professor! Isn't there some sort of drinking etiquette which concerns imbibing before **noon**?" Todd tittered as he pointed toward the clock.

Severus' infuriated glare nearly rooted the gleeful decorator to the floor. "Isn't there also some sort of general etiquette regarding people minding their own damn business lest they find themselves hexed into oblivion?"

"Oh, dear, yes, well...I **may** have been **mistaken** about that! So sorry! Well, **anyway** , what I wanted to say is that I **really** must be off for a bit," Todd sputtered, backing quickly toward the foyer.

"So soon?" Severus cocked an inky eyebrow at the little pest over his glass of whiskey. "And here I thought that we were just about to start having fun." He removed his wand from his sleeve, and placed it on the table, pointing directly at Todd.

"Must be off!" Todd squeaked in a panicked voice. "Need to buy bedroom furniture and all, you know! We haven't got **much** left in our budget, but I **might** just be able to persuade Madame Evaline to part with some of her **lovely** wares for a reduced price! Ta ta!" In a flash, he was out the door and Apparating to Madame Evaline's Emporium.

With a smirk, Severus twirled his wand slowly. That had been simple enough. Just getting the annoying twit out of the house was enough to make him feel a bit better--his head was throbbing, although he suspected that it was not all due to the decorator's incessant chatter. Grumbling, he rose from his chair and stalked down the hall to inspect the bedroom.

The sight that met his eyes was not terribly offensive, but certainly not what he had intended for the room. Actually, he had been wondering what the little fop had been doing all that morning--evidently his tastes in decor were not as effete as he was. The formerly plain bedroom was definitely improved.

However, Severus did not intend for Black and Lupin to **like** their newly decorated room. Oh, no. He was sure that, especially with Black involved, his chambers were being destroyed quite effectively. He had no intention of giving those two a bedroom that they could be proud of, not in the least.

Surveying the elegant paint job, Severus removed his wand from his robes. "Dear me, I **hardly** think that a room that has seen such depravity would be painted in such a subtle tone," he murmured in his rich voice.

With a determined flick of his wrist and a sharp "Sanguineus!" Severus watched the walls change colour, becoming a vivid blood-red. For added interest, he changed the paint into a garishly flocked wallpaper, the pattern standing out in bold relief from the smooth background paper. As he inspected the intricate pattern of stripes, fleur-de-lis and curlicues, a wicked smile flitted across his features.

Aiming his wand, he muttered another spell. Instantly, the velvety designs became small human figures engaged in a wide variety of lewd and immoral acts that would give the Kama Sutra a run for its money. While he had little doubt that every sexual position portrayed on the walls had already been engaged in by those two over-sexed idiots, it certainly would be amusing to see their reaction to having a virtual sex manual in action on their bedroom walls.

Turning to the silk curtains adorning the window, Severus decided that they simply would not do, especially in light of the change in decor. Swishing his wand lazily, he transformed the elegant silk into a heavy red velvet, adorned with gaudy golden fringe and held back by massive tasselled tie-backs.

"My, my--what a lovely carpet. Pity that it just doesn't match at all," he purred, gazing down at the large rug in the centre of the room. Twirling his wand in an intricate pattern, he transformed the rug from its subtle beauty into one depicting a Roman orgy in full swing. With a well-placed charm, he animated the figures so that they were as hedonistic as their counterparts on the wallpaper.

Severus grinned. He could just imagine the look on Lupin's face upon seeing **that**. The modest werewolf would likely turn ten different shades of scarlet.

At that moment, he noticed a box in the corner of the room. Curious, he stepped over and opened the lid, revealing that it was filled with clothes. Of course, Todd had removed the chiffarobe in anticipation of purchasing new furniture.

Lifting out one of the robes, Severus noted the numerous patches and darnings--undoubtably Lupin's. That man really should dress more like a Hogwarts professor rather than a bad imitation of a Muggle scarecrow. Yes, indeed, Lupin and Black both needed new clothes, and he had a very good idea of what exactly they could use.

Carefully, Severus laid out various items on the floor. With a wicked smile, he waved his wand over the pile of clothing. Instantly, comfortably worn jeans transformed into leather bondage pants. T-shirts became mesh, a couple of neatly pressed button-down shirts became latex corsets and a wool sweater turned into an intricate leather harness featuring various rings and attachments for subduing and controlling the wearer.

Smirking, he changed a couple of pairs of dress pants into a matching set of leather chaps. Smaller items such as handkerchiefs were turned into heavy wrist and ankle restraints and large spiked collars. Several pairs of boxers were reduced to leather G-strings.

This was entirely too much fun. Severus dug deeper into the box, pulling out a couple of neatly rolled belts. With a puff of smoke and a sharp pop, one became a long, braided-leather bullwhip. The other transformed into a riding crop with a thick metal-studded handle and a wicked-looking tip composed of a number of thin leather thongs.

At the bottom of the box, Severus pulled out a scuffed pair of black boots--obviously they belonged to Dog Boy and, judging from the extensive wear, were his favourites. Chuckling to himself, he flicked his wand at them, muttering a spell. With a pop, the heavy boots transformed a pair of black vinyl thigh-high boots that laced up the front and sported six inch stiletto heels.

Severus could hardly contain his glee at the thought of those two walking in to find that almost all of their clothing had been transfigured into S&M gear. The thought of Lupin having to teach his Defence classes while attired in a latex corset and leather thong was almost too much. It would certainly give them all something to talk about at the next staff meeting.

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the front door opening. Quickly, Severus waved his wand over the clothes, which neatly folded themselves and zoomed back into the box.

Todd's footsteps trotted merrily down the hallway and suddenly the door to the bedroom popped open.

"Ahhh, Professor, you simply will not **believe** what I......eeekkkk!!" Todd dropped his parcels with a clatter, and fell back against the wall, clutching his chest. "Oh, my! What **have** you done **now**!" His eyes wide in horror, he scanned the room. "Oh, dear! Oh, my lovely **masterpiece**! You've....you've **destroyed** it! You've made it.... **lewd** and **disgusting** and.....oh! My **RUG**!! **Look** at it! Oh, Seymore is going to **die**! First he's going to kill **me** and then he's going to **die**! We'll get pulled off the WTN because this simply **won't** pass the network censors!"

With his arm pressed melodramatically over his forehead, Todd pressed his face against the scarlet wallpaper. As he opened his eyes, he realized that he was face to face with a number of irate, naked, velvet-flocked people who were quite upset at having a giant face invading their bacchanalian activities.

Uttering a shriek that sounded to Severus much like a first year girl confronted with collecting bubotuber pus, the horrified decorator fled the room. Severus could hardly keep from laughing at the sound of the insufferable twit careening through the cottage on his way to the door screaming "Seeeeyymooorre!" at the top of his lungs.

Severus moved over to the doorway to collect the parcels that the nitwit had dropped. Not surprisingly, they contained new bedroom furniture and linens. Removing the miniature furniture, Severus began placing it about the room in its proper place. As soon as it was all in order, he waved his wand and muttered the spell to return it to normal size.

The bed was actually quite a lovely piece. A large four-poster, it boasted intricate wrought-iron designs on the headboard and footboard. The wood was of a medium mahogany, in a stain that would have brought forth the reddish tone of the paint that Todd had used on the walls. Graceful carvings adorned the tall posts, although they were not overstated.

Running his hands over it, Severus admired the details of the workmanship. It was indeed a fine piece of furniture--far too good to be used as a trampoline by the werewolf and his mangy mutt.

He turned his attentions to the rest of the new furniture. A set of bedside tables that matched the bed perfectly were placed on either side of it. Todd had also managed to procure a new armoire to replace the tatty old chiffarobe, and a lovely bombe chest as well. A comfortable armchair and small oval table completed the room.

That preening little nancy-boy must have done some kind of talking to get the proprietor of the shop to part with such pieces. Shaking his head, Severus unpacked the last few parcels. Three elegant bronze lamps were contained in one; he figured that they were meant for the bedside tables and reading table. Casting his wand, he sent them to their appropriate spots.

The last bag was filled with luxurious sheets, blankets, a new comforter that matched the previously gold silk drapes and mounds of fluffy pillows in various shades of gold, rust and ocher.

Severus snorted in disgust as he shook out the sheets. Really! 350-thread count Egyptian cotton sateen for those two? As if they'd even appreciate it. Flicking his wand in annoyance, he made the bed up with its new finery.

The black-haired wizard scanned the room. Lovely as the new furniture and linens were, they certainly did not fit in with **his** decorating scheme. Besides, he was not about to have the Dastardly Duo enjoying **anything** if he could help it.

As he glanced at the clock, he realized that he didn't have much time to rectify things before his tenure in this decorating hell was finally over. Swishing his wand, Severus cast a spell that turned the fine linens into a material that was quite similar to what that oaf Hagrid often wore. He also saw to it that they were coloured in the same vivid red as the rest of the room.

A flick of his wrist transformed the silken comforter into a lurid red satin bedspread, bordered with tacky gold fringe. The numerous pillows mutated into florid red satin hearts that looked alarmingly like something that Gilderoy Lockhart would find tasteful.

Now for the furniture. Severus thought for a long moment before deciding on a proper course of action regarding the refined pieces. Waving his wand and murmuring an incantation, he watched as the distinguished mahogany furniture transformed into gaudy gold-coloured baroque pieces resplendent with crowds of fat, naked cherubs blowing horns, playing harps and shooting tiny arrows.

For good measure, he charmed the dreadful little beasts to play their instruments as loudly as possible. As to not spoil the surprise, he decided to put both silencing and petrifying charms on them which would be broken as soon as Black and Lupin touched the bed.

With a look of smug satisfaction playing about his features, Severus gave the room one last appraising glance before leaving and closing the door behind him.

He might actually have to lower himself to watch this one episode of that foul programme. It would be worth wasting an hour of his life to see the reactions of the two fleabags upon seeing their newly decorated rooms.

Severus smiled to himself as he left the cottage and headed toward the Horse and Hound Inn. He was looking **very** forward to a comfortable night's rest in a real bed. He might even have to see if Minerva would join him in a celebratory drink. After all, he'd kept his word to her--he'd not actually destroyed **or** booby-trapped anything in the wretched cottage, nor had he performed any of the Unforgivable Curses on Snogwell or Fancie.

That last bit alone was a testament to his supreme willpower.


	11. Bedchamber Beasts

Sirius awoke to the chirping chorus of the small feathered inhabitants that now resided in Snape's outer chambers, thanks to Remus' crafty spellwork. Blinking, he rolled over closer to Remus, attempting to bury his head in the soft tawny hair that spilled over his lover's pale shoulder. Remus stirred at the movement and shifted unto his back, blearly amber eyes cracking open slightly.

Sirius rose up on his elbow and smiled down at him, sleepy and content, his hand tracing warm, gentle circles across Remus' smooth belly. Mouth quirking up in a drowsy smile, Remus blinked and stretched.

"Good morning, Sunshine," Sirius murmured, nuzzling close to his mate, delighting in the delicate scraping feel of Remus' stubble against his neck.

Remus yawned and embraced Sirius warmly with sleep-heavy arms, burying his nose in his lover's silken black hair as he closed his golden eyes again, drifting back into a drowsy half-sleep. Sirius smiled as he raised his head and regarded Remus silently, watching the other man's eyes fall closed, his jaw relaxing, as Remus began to drift off once more.

The birds chirped again and Sirius' small smile stretched into a teasing grin as he thought about Snape awakening to a chorus of eager birdsong. The greasy git would surely despise that! He chuckled at the image in his head of the muttering, scowling Potions Master leaping from his bed, wand at the ready, stalking over to the innocent nest inhabitants. Sirius pitied the small feathered beings for what Severus Snape would probably do to them in his displeasure at their singing. He feared the git would be dining on wand-baked bird for breakfast.

A soft snore interrupted his musing and he glanced down to see Remus--mouth open, breathing deep and even-- sleeping soundly again. The full moon was only days away and Remus' energy level was often depleted in those days just before his transformation. Sirius watched his lover sleep, gazing rapt at the slow rising and falling of Remus' chest, at the lashes lying soft against those ivory cheeks, at the parted lips... mmmhh, yes, those sweet lips!

With a soft smile, Sirius leaned forward and covered that warm open mouth, taking in the slow, heated breath that escaped from it into his own mouth and breathing gently back into Remus' sleeping mouth.

Remus awakened to the kissing breath with a growly moan. He loved to be awakened so sweetly by Sirius like this, but... he really was not quite certain he was ready just yet to get up and start the day. All he desired at that moment was to nestle into the bed, pulling Sirius closer beside him so that he could throw his arm and leg over his lover's long, lean gorgeous form, curl close to him and drift back to a sweet, dreamless sleep-state.

But no, Sirius--his tongue sliding wet and languid into Remus' mouth--seemed adamantly determined to awaken him, albeit by pleasant means.

After long moments, Sirius pulled from the kiss, pressing another to Remus' chin and neck, his tongue scraping briefly over the stubble before he leaned up once more on his elbow and smiled down at Remus, tilting the golden-brown head towards him.

"Wake up, sleepyhead," he murmured.

A slight frown puckered Remus' brow and he attempted to burrow closer into Sirius' warmth, but Sirius, chuckling softly, held him back. "No, now, come on, Remy love, it's time to get up. Kyle will be here soon, ready and raring to go, and I don't think he'll be pleased to see you still knackered out in the bed."

Remus groaned in complaint and finally muttered in a sleep-husky voice, "Just 10 more minutes, Siri. I'm so tired..."

Sirius snickered and stretched experimentally, smiling at the slight twinge of discomfort in his lower back. He leaned in and whispered into Remus' pale ear, "Hmmm... I bet you are! That was quite a workout you gave me last night, but... even so, I'm going to get up now and I think you should join me. Come on, we'll get a spot of breakfast and get some strong hot tea into that sleepy body and you'll feel great. Come onnnn," he breathed, his soft, heated breath blowing gentle inside Remus' ear, causing the werewolf to utter a growly purr as he rolled his back in pleasure.

Sirius smiled and slowly licked the inside of Remus' ear, causing Remus to shift, chuckling a bit at the tickling. Sirius, liking the response his actions garnered, slipped his hands down to grasp Remus' side, long, nimble fingers tickling the smooth ribs he found there.

Remus gasped, chuckling and desperately trying to struggle free. He struggled rather too earnestly and fell with a thud onto the floor.

"Oh! Moony!" Sirius laughed, his arms reaching down for his now fully awakened and slightly irritated mate.

Remus groaned and sat up, scowling at the ebony-haired wizard above him.

"Sorry," Sirius muttered, biting back another rumbling chuckle at the image of the nude, mussed-headed, frowning werewolf below.

Remus sighed, face relaxing into that of his normally placid expression as he took Sirius' outstretched hand and allowed his black-haired lover to to pull him up to a seated perch on the side of the bed.

"Did you hurt your back?" Sirius breathed, peering in concern over Remus' shoulder.

"No, my arse rather padded my fall. I suppose it's good for something," Remus murmured.

Sirius chuckled and nuzzled into Remus' warm, musky neck, his hands sliding down to stroke the smooth, warm, swelling rise of Remus' buttocks. "Actually, it's wonderful for many things."

Remus laughed breathlessly and turned to Sirius to bestow a gentle smile on him. "Good morning, Paddy," he breathed, before leaning in to kiss the dark-haired wizard.

Sirius smiled into the kiss, pulling Remus' warm weight into his lap, sighing at the feel of those soft, caressing lips and hot tongue and the smooth, taut buttocks resting against his thighs.

Remus reached up, gently tilting Sirius' head, his thumb pressing against his chin to open Sirius' mouth further, deepening his kiss.

A brisk knocking at the door interrupted their lush morning kiss, causing Sirius to grunt and Remus to moan in frustration. They reluctantly parted and Sirius frowned. "He's early again."

Remus arched one eyebrow and glanced at the grandfather clock that still loomed in the corner of the darkened bedchamber, his keen eyes able to discern the time easily. "Actually," he muttered, "he's punctual. It's 8 a.m. on the bloody dot."

Sirius sighed and pulled Remus deeper into his lap, stealing one more quick kiss before Remus chuckled and slowly extricated himself. Smiling saucily down at Sirius, he pulled on a dressing gown and then padded barefoot to the door to admit the designer.

"Ahhh, good morning, Professor! You're looking refreshed and rosy today," a cheerful voice called and Remus opened wide golden eyes as he took in the smiling visage of a crimson and silversparkle robe-bedecked Seymore Fancie. Beside the gaudily attired wizard, a scarlet-flushed Kyle smiled apologetically.

"Errr... good morning, Mr Fancie, Kyle," Remus stammered, belting his robe tighter about him as he reached up to nervously comb through his bed-tangled hair.

"I do hope we haven't come too early and disturbed your beauty rest," Seymore trilled, beaming up at Remus, violet eyes twinkling in seeming glee to have found the normally dignified professor in such a sleep-mussed state.

"No, it's fine," Remus smiled, cheeks still flushing. "I'm afraid I've never really indulged in **beauty sleep** , and ... well, along those same lines, please do forgive my rather unkempt appearance. Sirius and I

were just getting up."

"That's fine, Remus. Seymore wanted to see how everything was coming along here. He is also treating us to breakfast this morning," Kyle smiled politely.

"Ohhh... that's ... very kind of you. Thank you. Errr.. do come in," Remus murmured, holding the chamber doors open to admit the two wizards.

Seymore strolled in, bright robes billowing around him, and exclaimed loudly, clapping his hands together in glee as he gazed about the transformed chambers. "Oh YES!! Oh my heartiest congratulations, gentleman! This is a remarkable transformation! Oh, I am certain dear Professor Snape is going to adore what you've done here. Bravo!! What a surprise you have in store for the good professor!"

By this point, Sirius had strolled barefoot and jeans-clad into the room. He snorted at Fancie's statement, his eyes gleaming as he winked at his lover and slid his arm around Remus' back. Leaning down, he whispered into Remus' ear, "Oh he'll be **surprised** alright."

"This garden theme is fabulous! It's hard to believe that just yesterday, this was a cold, dreary dungeon! Ohhh, look at that lovely waterfall! Delightful, just delightful, lads! And a Koi pond! Ahhh! So relaxing. It will be a veritable oasis of peace in the ahhh... rather **tense** professor's life, I dare say! Oh! Wicker! Nothing says relaxation and casual outdoor elegance like wicker," Seymore beamed. He smiled in self-satisfaction and nodded. "Yes, now **this** is just what our little decorating and design show is all about - making decorating dreams come true!"

"Hmmm...more like Sev's nightmare I would venture," Remus whispered, all the while smiling a wide, plastic smile at the decorators.

"Indeed, Moony!" Sirius laughed.

Kyle smiled at his teammates as he began unpacking a basket filled with pastries of all sorts. Sirius frowned. "I don't reckon you have any eggs or sausages or anything of that sort in that basket, do you, Kyle? I would really enjoy a more filling breakfast than sodding muffins and scones."

Remus grinned and winked. "Sirius loves his protein first thing in the morning."

Sirius smirked and arched an ebony brow at his lover, "True, that. Care to help me out in that regard, love?"

Remus flushed bright as Fancie's robes and busied himself with digging out a chocolate muffin from the basket, pointedly ignoring his amorous lover who simply chuckled in response.

Seymore whistled the show's theme song loudly and cheerfully as he made a trotting circuit of the chambers, eyes dancing over the trees and flowers and grass carpet below. He then sniffed primly as he peered into the bedchamber, seeing nothing more than an eerily empty room, bare save for a sheet-tangled, looming bed and a tall, antique grandfather clock in the corner. He supposed they hadn't gotten around to the bedchamber just yet.

Just as he was turning to leave, a small tube that lay rather prominently on the stone floor beside the bed caught his eyes. He arched his brow as his gaze fell on the small tube. It seemed the couple had enjoyed themselves the night before.

He glanced up then and smirked to see that Kyle had forgotten to remove or turn off the small, hovering camera that floated idly in a dark recessed corner of the bedchamber somewhat like a tiny, mechanical voyeur, which, Seymore supposed, it actually rather was. He aimed his wand at the camera, bringing it to his outstretched hand and hit the rewind button.

His round face flushed crimson to match his robes as he saw the action from the night before displayed in full, vivid life. Clearing his throat, he hurriedly rewound the magic film backwards to tape over the rather sordid and incriminating footage of the bare moving arse of the shy, retiring professor atop his dark-haired, writhing and... well, actually quite sexy lover.

Sirius glanced up to see Seymore fiddling with the camera and he snickered, cutting a quick sideways glance at Remus. Remus caught Sirius' look and, as Sirius turned to watch the host, he followed his glance, cold realization washing over him like an icy wave. "Oh bollocks," he whispered, the chocolate muffin settling into his stomach like a lead weight.

Remus then turned to Sirius with wide, panicked eyes. "Do you suppose that... that camera was in the room last night... all night long?" he muttered.

Kyle glanced up at that and upon seeing his superior adjusting the camera, he flushed red. "Oh no! I forgot to turn off the bloody camera last night! I am so sorry."

Remus groaned and fell down unto the settee, burying his face behind his hands. Sirius settled down beside him and slipped a comforting arm around Remus' shoulders. "Oh dammit, Siri, we'll wind up the laughing stock of the Wizarding World, you do realize that, don't you," Remus muttered, his voice muffled behind his hands.

Sirius shook his head and pulled his worried mate closer. "Awww, Moony, we didn't do anything different than what everyone else does in their bedrooms..."

"In the **privacy** and **sanctity** of their **personal** bedrooms, you mean," Remus countered, burying his head further. "Oh, I think I'm going to be ill."

"Buck up, Rem, it's not that bad. Besides, now everyone will know what a sexy beast you are in bed!"

Remus moaned louder at that. Kyle bit his lip and smiled sheepishly at Sirius over Remus' bent head. He swallowed. "I'll make certain to edit the footage thoroughly just as I promised I would," he murmured.

Sirius nodded. "Yes, please, see that you do that." He ran his broad hand comfortingly along Remus' back until the werewolf sat up and pulled down his hands to reveal his beautiful, aristocratic face trained into a calm, stoic mask.

"Are you okay?" Sirius asked softly.

Remus' smile wavered a bit but he nodded. "Yes, I'm fine. Just...please, Kyle, do make certain to edit that film quite thoroughly, if you would. As I am a professor here, I do have to maintain some sense of propriety."

Kyle smiled and nodded. "I will, Remus."

Seymore trotted back into the outer chambers and smiled, tossing the camera into the air as he turned to face it. "It's the beginning of the second day for our little team of decorating dynamos! As you can see behind me, Professor Lupin, Mr Black and Kyle have all been busy as proverbial bees, buzzing around the chambers to make everything look as lovely and verdant

and garden-gorgeous as possible! Today, they'll tackle the bedchamber!"

He then turned his toothy visage on Sirius who jumped a bit as the camera hovered dangerously close to his unshaven face. Smirking a bit, he pushed at the camera. "Mr Black, what do you think of the change you have wrought in Professor Snape's previously dour chambers?" Seymore purred, batting his lashes at Sirius.

Remus huffed and rolled his eyes, reaching out for another pastry that he bit into ravenously as Sirius answered Seymore's trilling query.

"Oh. Well, we're tickled pink you might say," Sirius laughed, waving his hands in the direction of the rosy walls. "Snape is going to be...ahhh... utterly flabbergasted."

Seymore nodded and motioned the camera towards the contentedly munching Remus whose eyes grew large as he swallowed the lump of pastry in his mouth and stared apprehensively at the camera. "Tell me, Professor Lupin, what sorts of design plans do you and your team have in store for the bedchamber?" Seymore asked eagerly.

Remus swallowed again and darted quick glances at Sirius and Kyle. "Err... well, we will probably continue with a version of the garden theme, perhaps with a more... errr... paradisiacal slant," he smiled wanly.

"Oh, that sounds lovely!" Seymore cooed, turning back to the cameras. "After a quick breakfast, the team will be hard at work again today to create the ultimate garden paradise for Professor Snape." He then beamed and winked up at the camera before flicking it off.

"There now," he murmured, smiling at the three men before him as he stood up. "Well, I must be off now. Your headmaster has so kindly invited me to tea this morning and I don't want to be late meeting the gent! So, I best be on my way! Again, marvelous work, lads, simply marvelous! Ta!"

He then waved an elaborately sparkling handkerchief in their direction and was just about to leave the chambers when he turned and said, "Oh wait! Before I take my leave... Kyle tells me that you both received unruly robes. I am so disappointed to hear that.."

Remus made a small gargling sound in the back of his throat as his heart leapt in trepidation. Surely the ninny wasn't going to try to pawn off more of the ridiculous robes on him and Sirius.

Sirius covered Remus' hand with his own, his shoulders stiffening in defiance.

"So, I have asked Kyle to procure you two Trading Spaces teat-shirts..."

"T-Shirts," Kyle amended hastily.

Seymore waved his hand impatiently. "Whatever the dratted things are. They're most unflattering I hate to say, but Kyle tells me that the two of you would prefer to work in Muggle wear, so if it butters your bread, then have at it! Okay, I really must be leaving now! Ta!" And with another flourish of his handkerchief, Fancie was gone.

Remus and Sirius slumped back against the settee in obvious relief.

Sirius chuckled."Teat shirt! I love it!"

Kyle smiled and rolled his eyes. "My grandmere was a Muggle, so I'm more familiar with that world than Seymore, who fancies himself an expert on just about everything under the sun."

"I hope that camera is not still on," Remus commented dryly, smirking as he reached for a cup of tea.

Kyle glanced up. "No, it's off. Okay, so here are the shirts." He pulled from his bag two blue T-shirts that sparkled with the glittery scrolled 'Trading Spaces' logo.

Remus and Sirius regarded them curiously. Sirius stripped off the shirt he wore and shrugged as he pulled on one of the new shirts. It fit him snugly but Remus thought his lover looked rather smashing in the sapphire hue.

He smiled approvingly up at Sirius. Sirius smiled back and rubbed his hands down the front of the shirt. "Yeah, well, this is much better than those ruddy robes! Thank you, Kyle."

Kyle grinned and nodded, handing Remus his shirt. Remus took the shirt and thanked Kyle politely as he stood up to go change into the shirt and a pair of soft brown comfortable trousers. He wouldn't match but he really didn't care. He was not so concerned about such sartorial matters as his dashing lover.

Strolling into the bed chamber, he tread on the lube tube that still lay on the floor. Groaning in embarrassment, he picked up the lube and hurriedly stashed it in a pocket of his robe. He supposed that Seymore had probably spied that as well. Oh well...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eight hours later, an exhausted Remus slumped against the bedchamber wall, smiling at the other two who were meticulously fluffing and pulling mounds of soft French lace about floral streamers that surrounded the bed.

The room was transformed. Remus had been in charge of the walls and flooring. He had spread the grass carpeting and flowers about the floor and had planted on either side of the bed two heavily ripe pear trees on which golden fruits hung fertile and fragrant. A rococo golden bird bath, transfigured from the parlor chair, stood just beside a miniature golden gazebo in which a reading nook had been erected. Fleecy clouds moved slowly overhead under a gleaming sun that glittered bright over all.

But perhaps most impressive of all was the bed itself. It looked like nothing so much as a fairy bower, fitting for Titania herself. The bed was draped in flowers and vines and ribbons that twisted sinuous about the creamy lace. The bed was spread with a filmy material that shimmered in the magical sunlight above, sending sparkles of light dancing throughout the room as they reflected on the shiny coverlet. At pride of place, atop mounds of multi-hued, cloud-soft pillows, a small plush wolf and dog sat.

Sirius stood back and laughing softly to himself, he aimed his wand at the furry pair of plush beasts and murmured a charm. Remus curiously looked at the pair which suddenly moved on their own accord, leaping and playing about, growling in glee before settling against one another to hump playfully. At the sight of such, Remus' laughter echoed in the room and Sirius turned to smile at his mate, eyes glittering in mischievous glee.

Even Kyle had to laugh. The decorator shook his head in bemusement. "I don't know the meaning behind the canines -- I would assume that Professor Snape is not a dog lover -- but I do think **that** will surely capture his attention, so to speak."

"You can bet your arse on that!" Sirius laughed, trying to separate the two plush canines which proceeded to growl and nip at him playfully."Hmm... can't seem to separate them. Must be mated for life," Sirius winked at Remus.

Remus smiled warmly in answer. "I doubt even Severus will be able to separate the pair."

"No indeed," Sirius smiled. "I dare him to even try that."

Remus smiled and turned his head, murmuring under his breath, "He did try that once. It didn't work."

As if he heard his lover's whispered words, a slow smile spread across Sirius' sun-burnished, handsome features, and he strolled up to Remus, nuzzling him lightly. Remus smiled and embraced him, nipping his earlobe gently.

Kyle grinned and wiped his hands, his eyes casting about over the chamber in satisfaction. This would do quite nicely, he thought. He considered asking if the other two cared to join him for a celebratory drink at the pub in Hogsmeade, but as he turned to see the two now locked in a fierce kiss, he decided perhaps the two wizards desired to do a little celebrating of their own.

He cleared his throat politely and smiled as they pulled -- Sirius smiling and Remus blushing -- from the kiss.

"I'm afraid that you two will have to leave the chambers in order for Seymore and I to do our little spiel for the show. You can't return to your home just yet because Seymore has to accompany you there, but... errr... I'm sure your headmaster could provide quarters for you to... ahhh... **rest** in until Seymore comes to escort you back home," Kyle smiled, winking at his amorous teammates.

Sirius smirked. "No need to bother. Remus and I know this castle in and out, we've explored every nook and cranny of it, so we know some places we can go to ... **rest** ," he murmured, leering at Remus sexily.

Remus felt his face flame with desire and shyness as he turned to Kyle. "Would you please ask Mr Fancie if we could arrange to meet him in the Great Hall at 6 p.m. tonight? Or is that too early or late?" he asked softly.

Kyle shook his head. "No, that should be fine. I'll tell him. Well, fellows, I'm off! I can't tell you what a supreme pleasure it was to work with the two of you. And, I can't say that of many of my design teams," he laughed. "But, I wish you the very best. I hope you like your new rooms and if you ever desire a little design assistance or just want to have tea and a chat sometime, please don't hesitate to get in touch with me! Perhaps you might like to join Nick and me for dinner one night?"

Remus smiled and nodded. "Thank you so much, Kyle. That's very kind of you. Perhaps we can arrange to do so. You have been wonderful to work with during this little project. Thank you for all of your patience in dealing with Siri and me! I'm sure we tried it a time or two!"

"Just a time or two?" Sirius laughed, "More like continuously for two unending days, eh, Kyle?!"

The designer smiled at that, rolling his eyes and winking before sticking out his hand to shake both Remus' and Sirius' hands warmly. "I had a fantastic time! Thank you both!"

"Thank you, Kyle," Remus answered with a grin, as Sirius clapped the designer on the back.

"Well, I better run! Did you two want to accompany me out of the chambers?" Kyle asked.

Sirius chuckled. "Afraid we'll muck things up in here, are you?"

Kyle opened his mouth to deny it before finally laughing and nodding. "Yes, I am, as a matter of fact."

The three laughed as they existed the chambers, leaving the cool, fragrant gardens behind.


	12. Home Horrors

"Remus, please stop fidgeting. I'm sure everything will be fine, love," Sirius murmured softly, grabbing tight hold of Remus' hand as he brought it to his lips and brushed a swift, sweet kiss across the white knuckles.

"I'm not fidgeting," Remus replied. Sirius snorted and regarded his lover with bemused bright eyes for a long moment before Remus finally sighed and replied, "Well, okay, yes, I expect I was. Sorry. I'm just a bit nervous is all."

Remus then smiled at his lover but his smile wavered. His stomach was twisted into knots, nerves on edge as he worried over what atrocious design disasters Severus Snape could have wreaked on his and Sirius' beloved cottage. And, to top matters off, he was feeling rather foolish about letting something as trivial as home matters bother him so.

Sirius flashed a warm, comforting grin at him, and Remus, seeing the sparkle that shone in those vivid eyes and the flash of those white teeth, found himself smiling more broadly in return. Sirius pulled him close in a brief hug and leaned down to whisper into his hair, "Who knows, maybe the greasy git will pleasantly surprise us. There's a good chance that what he hates might very well be what **we** like!"

Remus chuckled. "Yes, perhaps so. I hope so, at any rate. I know that... **whatever** is done, it's only temporary -- two days at most if we detest it. That's not what is worrying me really."

"What then?" Sirius asked, pulling back to regard his lover with questioning eyes.

Remus shook his head, snorting softly. "I'm rather more concerned about our **reactions** to our new rooms. I mean, we are being filmed for all posterity and... well, that's a bit unnerving. If we love it and are effusive with our praise, then we run the risk of looking like two design-driven dandies. Not such an attractive image, especially since that's such a stereotype of gay men anyway. On the other hand... if we despise it, and...well, let's face it, I rather think there is a distinct possibility of this being the likely case, and we react normally then... well, the WTV viewing public will see a professor brought to shocked silence and ...errr... you might...well..."

"Fly off into a bloody rage," Sirius smirked. "Yeah, and **that** will certainly add to my cachet of appeal as the dangerous ex-fugitive!"

Remus nodded. "Exactly. Now you see why I'm a bit apprehensive."

Sirius sighed and nodded, running a reassuring hand over his mate's tense shoulders. "Well, we'll just have to control ourselves, won't we?"

Remus darted a skeptical glance up at his lover, arching his brow lightly as he shook his head. "Hmmm... yes, now **that** I'd like to see. You controlling your impulses."

The dark-haired wizard shrugged. "Remy! Come off it, love! I can control myself! I'm a veritable paragon of self control when I want to be."

"When **you want to be** being the operative phrase there," Remus winked fondly.

Sirius smirked sardonically and shrugged, "Well, at any rate, you're more concerned about all of this than I am, love. It's more likely to send you into a rage than me!"

Worrying at his bottom lip, Remus nodded and cast his gaze resolutely ahead as he slid his hand around Sirius' back. "True, that. Ahh well, Mr Padfoot, shall we be off to meet our inevitable fate? I imagine Seymore is waiting for us with bated breath."

Sirius nodded, leaning down to nuzzle the golden-brown head below him briefly before the two set off to meet the garrulous, gaudy Trading Spaces host.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seymore hummed to himself, bouncing on the soles of his feet lightly, as he cast an eager glance inside The cavernous Great Hall. Where were those two anyway? He shook his head and nervously smoothed down his robes for the fifth time in the past ten minutes.

Nervousness was rather a new sensation for him. Usually, he was giddy with excitement to escort couples to their freshly redecorated abodes, but... normally, the designer of said abodes was not a certain stubborn and dour Potions Master with a decidedly morbid streak and an odd affinity for serpents.

Seymore shuddered to think what Professor Snape had done to the couple's bedroom -- a basilisk boudoir perhaps? Oh!! Horror!! He had consulted Todd about it but the little designer had simply wailed, burst into frantic tears of frustration and turned away muttering about dark handsome men with "horrible, vulgar, disturbing and **lurid** " design ideas. Todd would say othing further about the matter. He just turned his back and flounced in a fit of pique from the room.

Judging from his designer's fretful and highly agitated state, Seymore had gleaned that whatever the professor had done in the bedroom, it must be even worse than the horrible mausoleum-inspired look he had inflicted on the couple's living quarters.

"Good evening, Mr Fancie."

Seymore turned at the sound of Remus' smooth, cultured voice and looked into his handsome, placid face. The host smiled a 100-watt smile at the kindly professor, hoping the brightness of his smile would camouflage the disturbing unease he was currently experiencing.

"Ahhhh! Good evening, Professor, Mr Black! How are you fine gentlemen this evening?" Seymore trilled.

Sirius nodded, biting his lip hard to keep from laughing at the host's attire -- a vivid purple, blue and green peacock-inspired robe that melded to his pudgy form in a rather unflattering manner. Sirius thought he looked rather like a mottled bruise.

"We're quite well, thank you. And you, Mr Fancie?" Remus asked politely.

The host beamed. "Oh, I am just peachy, Professor, perfectly peachy! Now!" His bright gaze darted from the anxious amber eyes to the suspicious blue eyes of the pair before him. "I imagine you gents are rather excited to see your glorious new rooms, are you not?"

Sirius snickered, "Not," he muttered softly, causing Remus to pinch him lightly on the butt. He jerked and grinned, darting a wink down at his calmly smiling lover's innocent face.

"Yes, we are, as a matter of fact... err... quite anxious," Remus responded honestly.

"Of course you are!" Seymore nodded with a toothy smile. "Well then, shall we be off!"

Remus nodded as Sirius cleared his throat. "How are you getting there?" he asked. "Remus and I will take the Shadow, but it only seats two unfortunately, so..."

"Oh, no problem, dear boy! I've arranged for a carriage to transport all of us in high style!"

"Ahhh, if it's all the same to you, why don't you take the carriage then and Remus and I will meet you at the cottage presently," Sirius responded firmly.

Seymore's rosy face blanched. "Oh...oh no, Mr Black, I think that is quite impossible. You see we have to film your first reaction and I wouldn't want you naughty lads peeking through the windows into your new rooms before I even arrive! Oh no, that will not do at all! Ruin all of the surprise of the moment and we place premium importance on that wonderful moment of exciting tension when your new rooms are unveiled!"

"We assure you we will not peek before you arrive, Mr Fancie. Wizard's Honor," Remus reasoned, holding up two fingers.

Seymore frowned and hedged, "Well... I don't know... this is highly irregular."

"Yeah, but we're not your **regular** sort of couple, are we? Surely, you can bend the rules just a wee bit for us," Sirius urged, smiling and winking flirtatiously at the worried host.

Remus noticed his lover's tactic and he turned his head to hide his smile. Sirius wielded that enticing charm of his as efficiently as he wielded his wand -- both **wands** in fact.

Seymore flushed and smiled almost shyly up at the gorgeous brunette wizard, finally withering under those storm-tossed sapphire eyes. He sighed. "Alright, why not, for Merlin's sake! Let no one accuse me of being a hard-nosed, uncompromising wizard! We'll make this an adventure all the way around! Yes, Mr. Black, Professor Lupin, that's fine! You take your shadowy thing -- whatever that is -- and I'll meet you at your lovely little abode in just a bit. And remember, Wizard's Honor, no peeking! Not even one tiny, little sneaky-peek, you two!" He wagged his finger at the two wizards before him.

Remus smiled. "We promise."

Seymore nodded. "Alright then, boys, let's be off!"

Sirius had already turned and was making his way towards the back of the castle where the bike was stashed. Remus waved one more time at the designer and turned to tread quickly after his retreating lover.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remus climbed off the bike, thighs still vibrating from the thrum of the engine. He cast his eyes eagerly over the outside of their cottage. Everything looked clean, sedate even. Surely that was a good sign.

Sirius pushed the bike into the shed and joined his lover outside on the front walk. Remus' eyes darted again and again to the windows, wanting desperately a quick glance inside, just so that he could maintain some sense of composure later when the camera was rolling to film his reaction. At least that way, he would know what to expect and could temper his reaction accordingly.

Sirius followed his lover's nervous glances with his own eyes. He finally sighed and plopped down heavily into the grass. "Well, there's nothing to it, I suppose, except for us to wait on the goofy git."

Remus nodded, eyes still locked on the window as he tapped his foot impatiently. "This is utterly ridiculous -- standing about in our own front garden, waiting on some dim-witted TV host to admit us to our own home!"

Sirius chuckled as glanced up at the scowling werewolf and cocked his eyebrow up at him. "Hey Moony, you think after this, Trading Spaces will still be your favourite program?"

Remus snorted. "Hardly! I now feel empathy for the oor fools that get wrangled into participating in the first place! I mean, honestly, what did Albus hope to attempt with this little fiasco!"

Sirius' shoulders shook in silent laughter. He loved to see his ever-calm lover get riled... well, as long as he himself was not the cause of said riling that is! Sirius shook his dark head and murmured, "We haven't even been inside yet and already you're in a rage."

Remus rolled his eyes, feet itching to move forward and lead him to those beckoning windows. "Siri, there are new curtains on the windows. Hmm... rather **dark** curtains it appears. I hope the room is not quite so dark and depressing as those dour curtains. Perhaps that is just a trick of the evening light. Perhaps they're a deep burgundy. That would be alright."

"Moony, you're rambling," Sirius smirked. He knew all too well that his lover tended to ramble when nervous.

Remus pushed his hand back through his graying tawny-brown hair in frustration. "Well, I'm certainly glad that **you're** so cool and collected. What's wrong with this picture, I wonder?"

Sirius yawned and lay back against the cool grass, staring up at the purpling sky. He stretched idly and turned his head to watch Remus as he stood stock still, worried eyes locked on the house. Sirius sighed and was about to ask him where he thought the poncy prat could be when the carriage came clattering up the lane.

Remus turned to face the carriage and reached down a hand to pull his lover up. The carriage pulled to a stop and Seymore bustled out, beaming and waving. "Oh, you beat me! I do hope I haven't kept you waiting too long! Now, you two weren't naughty lads and peeked, did you?"

Remus shook his head. "We wanted to, but we refrained from doing so. We gave our word."

Seymore smiled. "Good, good!" he then reached in his voluminous robes and withdrew the camera, sending the whirling orb up into the air before them. He smiled toothily at the camera and began narrating, while Remus and Sirius stood back, looking wide-eyed and pale.

"Now is the veritable moment of truth, as I like to refer to it, in our little decorating programme! Our two homeowners, Professor Remus Lupin and Mr Sirius Black, have just returned to their charming little domicile and are about to have their proverbial socks knocked off by the daring design changes to their living room and bedroom. Gentlemen, are you ready to see your new rooms?"

Remus blinked and nodded, automatically reaching for Sirius' hand as Sirius nodded resolutely, mouth held in a firm line.

Seymore smiled and nodded. "Okay, then, off we go! To the door, my fine gents!"

The trio made their way to the door and as Remus reached out to take hold of the knob, Seymore trilled, "Oh wait! I have to ask you to please turn around while I open the door and position the camera inside to catch your first reaction."

Sirius rolled his eyes and turned around as Remus bit his lip and did the same, casting a nervous glance up at his mate.

Seymore nodded, satisfied, and opened the door, aiming his wand at the camera and sending it soaring inside. His round nose quirked and twitched, a slight frown pulling his mouth down at the corners as his eyes raked over the gloomy confines within. He took a deep breath and gulped slightly before saying in a falsely bright voice, "Okay, Professor Lupin, Mr Black, welcome to your new living room!"

They turned at the same time. Two pairs of startled eyes stared into the dark room within. Remus' mouth dropped open in a shocked gasp and he stumbled slightly against Sirius who steadied him, his own blue eyes wide and staring, face livid with instantaneous rage.

Remus' mouth hung open as he stepped into the room. "What... what is this?" he asked, "Sweet Merlin! It's... oh... Great Godric, it's... so..."

"Changed!" Seymore quickly filled in for the almost shocked-beyond-words werewolf.

"Fucked up is more like it!" Sirius growled, his eyes darting angrily over the green walls. "GREEN! Our walls are fucking **Slytherin** green now! Moony, I'm sorry, love, but I'm not going to be able to ... **control** my reaction as I promised because... gods!! Our room is done up like a bloody Slytherin snake den!! Damned greasy, sick git! I should have known that hose-nosed horror would pull something like this!"

Remus was not particularly inclined to stop his lover's tirade. His golden eyes raked over the livid green walls, the heavy brocade curtains, the silver (silver!!) chandelier and table lamps, the black satin couch and chairs... gahhh.... this was far worse than even the trepidations his fevered mind had conjured. This looked like nothing so much as the setting for one of those horrid, cheesy Muggle monster films with a title like "The Macabre Mausoleum".

Sirius stalked into the room, nostrils flaring in his rage. "Merlin's hairy arse! That's a fucking Slytherin rug!" He growled and tramped his muddy boots all over the rug, muttering. "That festering git! Look at this shit, Moony! Oh gods!! A bloody serpent chandelier and lamps! Oh yeah, yeah, that's **so** fucking **classy**! Holy hell! This is shite!"

Seymore frantically rushed up to Sirius, grabbing him by the arm. "Please Mr Black, remember you **are** being filmed. Please refrain from such vulgarity! Everyone will see your reaction, so you **might** consider tempering it just a **bit**."

"Temper this, you poofy arse!" Sirius growled, flicking a rude gesture in the designer's face. "Why didn't you stop him from fucking up our bloody home like this, eh??!!

Seymore huffed indignantly and stepped back, casting a reproachful look at the dark haired wizard and then at the wide-eyed werewolf who wandered about the room, seemingly in a daze.

Remus stared, mouth opening and closing, wide eyes darting anxiously to take in all of the new and quite atrocious decor. His smooth brow puckered and he growled low in his throat. "Siri is right!" he muttered darkly, "This looks more like a serpent's lair than a living room!"

Sirius scowled fiercely and nodded. "Bollocks! Look up at the bleedin' black candles, Rem! What is up with that? He stumbled over the rug he'd bunched up with his boots and reached out to turn on one of the lamps beside the settee. As he did, one of the charmed serpents aimed for him, biting down on his thumb. Sirius jerked his hand back with an enraged shout.

"YOWWW! Fuck this!! That's it! Not only is this shite fucking **ugly** , it bloody bites!! Literally! Snape is one seriously sick fuck!" He growled and knocked the torturous lamp down, sending it thudding to the floor as he stamped down on one of the slithering silver arms with his heavy black boots.

Remus stared worriedly at his lover for a moment but upon seeing Sirius' enraged stomping of the lamp, assumed his mate was rather more incensed than hurt. With a heavy sigh, Remus stared up at the writhing chandelier and shuddered. This was really entirely too much.

"This... this is... ohhh... damn, I don't even know where to begin!" he moaned, waving his arms about frantically, color draining from his face. "This room now looks like the Marquise de Bloody Sade's sitting parlor! I can't believe it!"

"Oh, but Professor, it's.... well, you know green is a rather nice colour don't you think? It's the colour of rebirth -- a soothing, springtime colour, if you will," Seymore pleaded frantically, darting an eager, faux smile up at the steadily filming orb camera. He turned to Remus and hedged in an urgent voice, "Green is the colour of beautiful things like grass and emeralds and..."

"It's also the colour of pus, pea soup, gangrene and certain forms of mold," Remus interrupted, frowning mightily.

"Remus! Look at this!" Sirius barked, reaching out to angrily snatch up copies of the magazines that littered the coffee table. "Bloody **Cats** magazines and ... oh gods! It's that ponced-up priss Lockhart! Look at these rags! Where are my damn Quidditch mags?!"

Remus wandered over to join his lover, his sharp eyes leveling on another object atop the table. "Ohh, oh yes," he muttered distastefully, "that's just what we needed -- a leather-bound compendium of Rita Skeeter's infamous articles."

"What??!! I **hate** that libelous bitch! I swear to Merlin, Snape is going to pay for this! Gods! We should have put fleas in his bloody bed, termites and hornets in all of the trees and piranhas in his fucking fish pond!" Sirius raged, his face darkening visibly.

Remus nodded resolutely. For once, he felt Sirius' temperamental tirade was well warranted. His eyes darted over to his desk and he sighed with some measure of relief to see that at least the desk looked nice and modest, stained in a deep walnut colour. Well, Merlin be praised, perhaps his venomous colleague had finally done **something** right.

He hurried over to the desk and matching bookcase, seeing that Snape had compulsively reorganized his books, alphabetized in order of subject. Well, that wasn't so bad. Actually, that might be rather beneficial.

His golden gaze then fell on the neatly stacked and freshly re-marked student parchments. He gasped and growled low in his throat, eyes flaming to copper, as he read over the snide comments that Severus had written in Remus' graceful quillmanship. Scowling, he flipped through the parchments quickly, noting instantly that every single Gryffindor had been failed and every Slytherin had received the highest marks!

Well, that was the proverbial icing on the cake! It was one thing to mess with his and Sirius' home, it was entirely another for the malicious git to belittle and take out his vile pettiness on innocent students. He growled, eyes flashing, as he jerked out his wand, aiming it at the parchments.

Seymore hurried up. "Oh wait, Professor! Per the official rules, you can change nothing until the two days are up."

"This stack of parchments is **not** part of the decor, now please stand aside," Remus gritted. "I'll **not** be returning these parchments in this ... this besmirched condition to my students."

"But you caaaan't," Seymore wailed in frustration, hands twisting.

Remus turned his vivid eyes on the designer and he leaned in close, "Listen to me, you pompous arse, we only agreed to do this farce because we were asked to by Professor Dumbledore. But, I'll be damned if I let you or anyone else tell me how to do my fucking job! Now, I'm not saying this again, stand back, Fancie or so help me I'll hex you into next week!"

Seymore huffed in outraged shock and stood back, "Well, I never!"

A still scowling, but now anger-worn, Sirius plopped down unto the settee, only to slide from the slippery satin fabric to an undignified heap onto the floor. He jerked up, teeth bared and growling, knowing Snape had probably picked **just that very fabric** for the very purpose that any kind of **activity** on it would send one straight to the floor. He scowled and glared above him at the snakes that writhed and hissed, seeming to taunt him.

With a resolute frown, he kicked off his boots and jumped onto the settee. Digging his long toes into the satin, scrabbling for purchase, he reached up and batted angrily at the writhing silvery serpents as he tried to physically pull the fixture from the ceiling.

"Stop biting at me, you slimy slugs," he gritted, jerking on the fiercely hissing chandelier.

Remus glanced up then from his parchments and upon seeing his lover's battle with the chandelier snakes, called out anxiously, "Oh Padfoot! Do be careful! You're likely to fall and bust your arse so that it resembles these **lovely** new walls of ours!"

Sirius growled in answer, too busy playing St. George with the mini-dragons to pay much matter to his worried mate.

Seymore huffed and trotted over. "Mr Black! Get down this instant! The rules of the show prohibit any changes for two days, much less two hours! Bless me! You're not even giving it two minutes!!"

"I am **NOT** leaving this fuck-ugly slimy Slytherin thing up here! It is coming the fuck down! NOW!!"

"No, no, no!!" Seymore wailed, stamping his foot, hands twisting in his robes. "Please get down this instant!" He turned frantic violet eyes to Remus. "Professor Lupin, please talk some common sense into your companion!"

Remus grinned and sauntered over to stand below the wriggling Sirius. "Careful, Siri! That one to your left is pulling back to strike! I would suggest we wand it down."

Seymore gasped in horror. "Ohhh!! You're no help at all! Ohhh dear me! This has never happened before!"

Sirius grinned down at Remus and pulled his hands free of the snakes as he reached to pull his wand from his sleeve. "I think you may be right, Moony!" He then jumped to the floor, jostling Seymore who sputtered and jerked back from him.

Sirius took careful aim at the chandelier and muttered. A light shot from his wand and instantly the chandelier was transfigured back into his and Remus' basic, beloved brass and frosted glass fixture.

Remus sighed and smiled warmly at his lover. "Oh, now that's nice, Sirius. I suppose it's rather true what they say that you don't appreciate something till it's gone. I'm quite glad to see our modest and **boring** little fixture again."

"Yeah," Sirius muttered, "at least it doesn't fucking bite!"

"Exactly! And no black candles either! Merlin! What on earth was Snape thinking?!?"

Sirius smiled, noting his mate's use of the git's last name -- a surefire sign that Remus was irritated at Snape. He chuckled. "He was thinking revenge most likely," he muttered, striding over to the mirror to check the side of his face where he thought one of the snakes had grazed him. _At least Snape hadn't unduly fucked with that!_ he thought, turning to gaze into the mirror.

"What do you want, Dogboy? You vain, long-haired, drooling slacker of canine carnality!" the mirror sneered.

Sirius' mouth fell open in brief shock before contorting into a sheer mask of rage. He growled threateningly and leaned in towards the cursed glass and muttered, "Such insults! I'm sooo wounded! Is that the bloody best you can do then?! Oh, I'm **sooo** fucking shattered!"

He then aimed his wand at the glass, breaking it into gleaming shards.

Sirius stared and shrugged before muttering, "And now, so are you!"


	13. Bordello Boudoir

Seymore squeaked, nerves as positively shattered as the broken glass of the mirror that the long-haired barbarian vulgarian had just destroyed. He clapped a pudgy hand to his mouth, trying to compose himself before he led the pair of irate wizards into their bedroom and... Merlin knows **what** that sneaking, vengeful Potions Master had done in there! He shuddered at the thought and swallowed heavily.

Well, no matter, it was his professional duty to finish this...this cursed episode no matter what! Straightening his shoulders under his voluminous robes, Seymore sniffed primly.

"Gentlemen, if I may, I need to interrupt your ... your **fascinated** perusal of your new living room to show you to your newly redesigned boudoir! If you'll follow me, please!"

Remus moaned softly, clutching at his head and fingers massaging his temples, trying to rub away the excruciating headache that throbbed there. What could his bitter colleague have done in the bedroom and could it possibly be even worse than the atrocities he had wreaked in their living room? Somehow, Remus suspected it could, and that realization made his head pound all the worse.

Sirius strode to Remus' side, glancing worriedly at his frowning mate.

"Moony, alrigh', love?" he asked quietly, as he reached out, moving Remus' hands away to massage the pale temples with his own, strong, broad fingers.

Remus sighed, "Yes, thanks, darling. I'm fine. I'll just be so infernally glad for this ordeal to be over."

Sirius pulled him close for a brief hug, scowling at the rotund wizard before them who stood, hands on his hips, impatiently tapping one slippered foot. "Give us a fucking minute, Fancie," the black-haired wizard growled, pulling Remus closer. "Remus doesn't feel well."

Seymore rolled his eyes and turned away, praying to Merlin for patience in dealing with the two exasperating lovebirds. Honestly, you would have thought that he was sacrificing their first born child to You-Know-Who, the way they took on so! Highly irregular!

Never in his seven years of hosting the show had Seymore seen people react with such vehement displeasure at their newly redesigned rooms. Granted, the style was a bit... outlandish and **morbid** to say the least, but it was only a **temporary** design if they hated it. They could bloody well change it back after two days! For the life of him, he couldn't figure out why they were taking on so. These two acted as if their rooms had been redesigned to resemble Dante's Ninth Circle of Hell! **Really**!

Remus sighed and pulled away from Sirius. "Thank you, Siri. I'm fine now. Truly. Let's .... let's just finish this, shall we?"

Sirius frowned, but nodded resolutely. Remus nodded too, smiling stoically as he turned to face Seymore. "Mr Fancie, we're ready now."

Seymore trained his face into a pleasant mask and nodded briskly. "Good, good! Come along then! Perhaps the bedroom will be more to your ahhhh... liking." He led the way to the bedchamber and asked once more for Remus and Sirius to turn away while he opened the door and sent the camera whirling inside.

As he opened the door and peered inside, Seymore's violet eyes nearly popped out of his head. His mouth fell open into a silent gape, as he took in the bedroom turned... **bordello**.

Oh Merlin!! This was **not** going to be pleasant either! Honestly, what was that snaky fellow thinking! This was a **reputable** program -- not something for the Wizarding **Porn** Network! This room looked as if a buxom witch should be sprawled over the bed in fishnet stockings, a boa and nothing else. It certainly did **not** look like the bedroom of a distinguished Hogwarts professor and his handsome partner!

He swallowed heavily and cleared his throat, composing himself yet again, before he turned and trilled, "Oh well, this is....nice -- I think you gentlemen will be, ummm, **pleased** to note that a much ... **brighter** colour scheme has been chosen for your bedroom. Turn around and see your new borde...err...I mean, boudoir!"

Remus and Sirius slowly turned around but Remus kept his eyes tightly shut, gritting out softly past his clenched teeth, "Is it more horrible than the living room, Padfoot?"

Sirius' wide eyes darted around the room and he blinked, mouth falling open. For a second he was stunned and wasn't sure **what** to make of the room he was seeing. By the looks of it, his and Remus' bedroom had been turned into the **Best Little Whorehouse in Hogsmeade**.

Beside him, Remus fidgeted nervously, pulling pale hands up to his eyes, "Really, Siri, is it awful?"

Sirius closed his mouth with a snap and cleared his throat, "Well...errr...ahhh, it's somewhat... better. At least the colour scheme is basically the Gryffindor colours," he muttered.

Remus opened his eyes and peeked past his long fingers before he gasped aloud, pulling his hands down. "Oh... Gods!! Sweet Merlin," he whispered, stunned at the carnal redesign of his and Sirius' formerly plain but comfortable little bedroom. "No, Sirius! You can't be serious! This is worse, much, much, much worse! Gods!"

Sirius pointed to the colours, taking in the crimson walls and the gaudy gold baroque furniture, "Well, but Moony, see... red and gold ... Gryffindor colours.... you know," he finished weakly.

Remus stepped into the room, wide golden eyes taking in everything in one quick sweep. He did not wish to relish too much attention on the details for the moment. "Somehow I feel Godric Gryffindor would not approve of your using his name to describe **this** room in any way, Sirius," Remus muttered.

"Yes, your new bedroom **is** quite **colourful** , much more so than your living room," Seymore trilled aiming his wand at the camera so that it did not linger on the vulgar wallpaper or rug.

"What is that you're standing on... gahhhh!!" Remus screamed, face turning several shades of crimson as he took in the full-blown, animated Roman orgy happening on the rug just below the host's slippered feet.

"There... that's.... oh, that's just... **lewd**!" Remus growled, pointing. "Sirius, there is an **orgy** on our floor! There are fucking animated hedonists cavorting on **our** bedroom floor!! Ohhhh yes, this is **ever** so much **better** than the living room."

Sirius leaned down and peered in closer, biting his lip hard to keep from laughing, knowing that was the last thing his mate would appreciate at that moment. He shrugged, "Well, at least there are no fucking snakes in here! And the furniture doesn't bite."

He peered closely at the naked, chubby cherubs that bedecked the gaudy baroque bedposts and muttered, "At least I don't **think** these little winged freaks bite. But then again, with Snape, who knows! That git is likely to have put cursed razor-sharp teeth in these fat little blighters!"

"Aaaaaahhh!" Remus yelled, amber eyes locking unto the gaudy, flocked wallpaper. "Sirius! Looooook! Look at this! Oh Merlin! Looook at this!!"

Sirius looked up to see an almost apoplectic, purple-faced Remus jabbing a finger towards the ugly flocked wallpaper. "Look at the fucking horny wallpaper people, on our **walls** , Sirius, on our fucking bedroom walls, all over it, all **over** the fucking walls, fucking people... literally!"

Sirius could see that Remus was losing it, the wolf flaring fierce and gold-flamed in his eyes. He stepped up close, sliding his arm around Remus, trying vainly to calm him down.

Remus wriggled free. "Let go of me! I want to see the foul, crude destruction that **sick** , **venomous** prat imposed on us! I'll rip him a new one, I swear it!"

"Moony, Moony, it's okay," Sirius countered, as Seymore gasped and tried to edge out of the room.

"It is **NOT** okay, Sirius, nothing about this is **okay** , and where the **hell** do you think you're going, you ponced-up, porky priss! You are partially to blame for this -- for our bedroom being turned into some sort of lascivious lair of lechery! How the bloody hell are we supposed to sleep in here..."

"Ummm, I don't think **sleeping** is the theme Snape was aiming for," Sirius interrupted with a chuckle.

"Shut up, Sirius! I'm glad you can find the humour in this debauchery! Care to enlighten me as to why it is so amusing, hmmm?" Remus gritted, temper aflame.

Sirius withered under the golden glare and shrugged, "Well, it's better than the living room..." he muttered again weakly.

"Oh, I **beg** to disagree, Padfoot! This... this den of iniquity was designed simply to humiliate us! There are people humping and engaging in other licentious and immoral acts on our walls--look, those two-- **rimming**! They are **rimming** on **our** walls, Padfoot! Not to mention the action carrying on below our feet! It is crude and it is **disgusting** and it is **everywhere** in the room, if you haven't noticed, **darling** , and... ohhhh Merlin!! What did he do to our clothes??!!"

Remus' shocked eyes ran over the piles of clothing and accessories left behind for their perusal and humiliation: leather bondage pants, mesh shirts, latex corsets, an intricate leather harness with various rings and attachments, leather chaps, wrist and ankle restraints, large spiked collars, leather g-strings, a braided leather bullwhip, a riding crop, and black vinyl, stiletto-heeled, thigh-high boots that laced up the front.

Sirius stepped up to the bed, lifting up one pair of the leather g-strings, "Well, actually, Rem," he laughed, running his finger over the cool, supple leather, "these might look rather sexy on you!"

"Shut up, Sirius!" Remus moaned, face flushing purple in shame. "I would **never** wear something like that! Oh gods! Tell me he didn't transfigure **all** of our clothing into bloody S &M gear! I have to teach tomorrow!! I can't go to class in a g-string and chaps!!"

"Oooh, heh heh, that would cause quite the stir, I'd imagine, if you did, love," Sirius chuckled. "Doubt that **any** students would be ditching class, especially the female variety!"

Honestly, this room didn't bother him nearly so bad as the Slytherin slimy snake den. And besides... some of these things looked like they might be a bit fun, actually...

Remus was infuriated. He reached out and grabbed Sirius by the collar of his shirt, pulling him closer to the bed as he snatched up the boots. "THESE are your favourite boots, Sirius! I'd like to see you wear them now!"

Sirius gasped and reached out to grab the rather effeminate pair of boots that Remus held. " **These** are my fucking boots? Are you sure?" he gasped.

Remus nodded. "Quite sure. Check the label inside."

Sirius stared inside the boot and growled. "My fucking favourite pair! That greasy-haired bastard! I'd look fucking ridiculous in these!"

Remus nodded. "At least all of your underwear has not been transfigured into leather g-string thongs! I have no choice but to wear a pair of those hideous things tomorrow or go au naturelle, which I am not comfortable doing either!"

"Where are my T-shirts?" Sirius asked, poking through the gear on the bed.

"I imagine those mesh shirts were formerly your T-shirts. Look at my button-downs -- now, fucking latex corsets! I am not that infernal Dr. Frankenstein character from that Lucky Horror Photo Show or whatever the hell that Muggle film is called that you love so much!"

"You mean, Frankenfurter and it's the Rocky Horror Picture Show," Sirius laughed.

"Whatever!! I don't care what it's called," Remus waved his hands impatiently. "The crux of the matter is I do not wish to teach my classes tomorrow arrayed like some kinky Muggle transvestite character!"

"Kinky is good, though," Sirius chuckled merrily.

Remus arched his brow and growled at Sirius. "Well, then, **love** , why don't you park your arse in front of our **lovely** new wallpaper and enjoy the show! It's right up your proverbial alley then!"

Sirius realized this was getting out of hand. He turned to see Seymore standing in the corner, wringing his pudgy hands together and muttering about having to cut out huge parts of the footage. Meanwhile his werewolf mate was prowling about the room, growling under his breath and curling his lip up at the cavorting wallpaper denizens who cheerfully ignored him.

"This is so ... **crude** , completely and utterly disgusting, uncalled for and humiliating!" Remus muttered, waving his hands out to encompass the room.

His amber, flame-licked eyes swept over the red velvet curtains with their gaudy golden fringe, at the woolen sheets, and lurid crimson bedspread bordered with tacky gold fringe and topped with satin heart pillows. He glared at the gilt baroque furniture bedecked with nude, chubby cherubs blowing horns, playing harps and shooting tiny gold arrows.

Sirius moved in to touch the bed sheets and as he did, the cherubs began to raucously play their instruments as loudly as possible.

All three men clapped their hands to their ears and Sirius stepped back from the bed. As he did, the music stopped. Remus frowned up at Sirius. "What did you do?"

Sirius shrugged. "I just touched the sheets like this," he leaned forward and stroked his fingers against the fabric, causing the cherubs to start up the music again.

"Arrgghhh! Don't touch it!!" Remus screamed, at his wit's end. "They'll play those infernal instruments again! Ohhhh my headache!!"

Sirius growled, "That means we can't lay down on the bed without that racket??!! Bollocks!! Where the fuck are we supposed to sleep tonight? On the slippery mausoleum couch out there in the snake den or in here with the Beelzebub Band??!!"

He reached out and swatted angrily at the bedpost, causing one of the cherubs to frown mightily at him and shoot a tiny gold arrow that lodged in Sirius' arm. "Arrrgghh! That hurt, your little winged freak!" Sirius growled and reached out, beating at the furniture, only to strike up the band again and to be barraged with a slew of tiny arrows.

Remus yelled above the din, "Get away from that infernal bed, Padfoot! I can't hear myself think!"

Sirius stepped away, yowling at the flare of pain shooting down his chest and arms where the arrows protruded. "The little fuckers shot me!" he complained bitterly, as Remus sighed and walked forward to help extract the tiny weapons.

"Well, at least they don't **bite** , eh, Sirius?" Remus muttered.

"Oh, sod off, Moony!" Sirius grumped, plucking an arrow from his bicep. "What if they're tipped with poison?" he moaned, staring at the tiny golden arrow.

Remus shook his head. "No. That wasn't the plan -- this was meant to degrade and humiliate us, not kill us. Killing us would have been too easy, and Dumbledore would have raised a mighty ruckus if Snape had done that! No, Snape, sorry as the git may be, as proven by our redesigned room atrocities, would not stoop so far as to poison the arrows..."

Sirius frowned. "I'm not so sure about that."

Seymore had been quiet for much of this time, trying to remain as inconspicuous as possible. Any other time, in such a situation, he would have wished to disappear right into the floor or fade into the walls, to escape the irate tempers of the very dissatisfied couple, but... seeing the errr... activities that were happening on said walls and floor, he no longer desired **that** in the slightest.

He cleared his throat. "Well, now, seeing as you fine gentlemen have had the ... rare pleasure of having your rooms redecorated for our little show, do you have anything you would like to say?" He gulped loudly, dreading the words the two might issue.

Remus turned to smile placidly at Seymore and then turned his face up to the camera and spoke in a honey-smooth voice, laden with cynicism. "Well, to paraphrase the show's theme, let me just sum it up by saying this: Two teams, two designers, two rooms, two days, **ONE** fucking horrendous nightmare! Don't do it, people!!"

Sirius chuckled and winked up at the camera, "I second that sentiment. Well said, Mr Moony."

"Why thank you, Mr Padfoot."

Seymore's eyes, nearly popping bulbous from his head, rushed in front of the pair of wizards who leaned in for a long, wet kiss for all the WTV viewing public to see. "Gentlemen!! The camera is still on!! Well, I never!!"

Sirius, never breaking from the deep, devouring kiss, simply wriggled his fingers in a rude gesture at the camera.

Seymore squeaked and rushed to wand the camera down, holding it directly in front of his flushed, sweating face. "Well, errr... it appears our ahhh... valentine-themed room seems to have had a rather appropriate effect on Professor Lupin and Mr Black. I think we'll just leave them to it, shall we? ... Alright then! I think it's time we checked on dear Professor Snape and see how he admires his new rooms! Come along!"

Seymore flipped the orb off and pocketed his wand, mopping his forehead with a frilly hankie as he glared at the two tonsil-tangling wizards before him.

With a loud harrumph, he turned and swept from the room, calling over his shoulder, "Enjoy your sordid debauchery, gents! Please don't bother seeing me to the door, I can make my way just fine!"

Seymore threw open the door, straightened his robes and shook back his hair, sucking in a great lungful of air. Turning once more, he called out, "It was a real **pleasure**!"

Then, he slammed the door to the cottage and walked briskly to his waiting carriage. If the reaction of those two was **this** bad, he could just **imagine** what was in store for him when the sullen, black-obsessed Severus Snape was introduced to his very own Garden of Eden.

Merlin help him and everyone else in a twenty kilometer radius of the castle.


	14. Welcome Home, Severus

Severus Snape and Minerva McGonagall sat in their respective spots at the faculty table in the Great Hall, awaiting the arrival of Seymore Fancie. They'd enjoyed a couple of drinks together at the Three Broomsticks after Severus had vacated the cottage and, knowing that Fancie was planning to meet with Black and Lupin first, had taken their time in heading back to the castle.

Quite frankly, Severus didn't want to be anywhere near the cottage when Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum got their first glimpse of his decorating masterpiece. Not that he couldn't hold his own, should Black decide to retaliate. Oh no, nothing would give him greater pleasure than to face down that hotheaded imbecile in a wizarding duel and turn him into a flobberworm, which would undoubtably be a marked improvement in both his personality and his looks.

On the contrary, Severus wanted them to savour the fruits of his labour before he saw them again. He could just imagine the looks on their faces as they surveyed their new rooms. Oh, to be a fly on that wall! Knowing Black's rather crude and juvenile grasp of language skills, he strongly suspected that most of **his** comments would be of the four-letter variety. That fop Fancie would probably faint dead away. Lupin would certainly be mortified, but would likely conduct himself in a more dignified manner.

"He's late," Minerva remarked, glancing at the enchanted ceiling of the Hall, which was growing darker by the moment. "I do wish that he would hurry along, as I really need to be marking parchments for class tomorrow." She sniffed impatiently, drumming her fingers on the table.

"I'm sure that he has his hands full at the moment. More than likely, he is trying to keep that idiotic Black from hexing him into next week," Severus smiled into his goblet of wine.

"Severus, what exactly **did** you do to that cottage? May I remind you that you gave me your word that you'd do nothing too destructive if I consented to leave you to your own devices." Minerva cocked an eyebrow at her ebony-haired colleague who managed to look appropriately affronted.

"I most certainly did uphold my end of our little bargain. I did nothing destructive to that wretched hovel, not that a good demolishing charm wouldn't have helped it immensely. I merely re-decorated it as I was instructed to do. Should Black and Lupin find that our tastes are not exactly, shall we say, in sync, then it is hardly **my** fault, is it not?" Severus purred.

The Transfiguration professor glanced over at Snape and slowly shook her head. She was quite positive that the vindictive Potions master had done as much to annoy the other two men as humanly possible, while at the same time managing to fulfill their agreement.

At that moment, the door to the Great Hall burst open and a rather dishevelled Seymore Fancie skidded in as fast as his pudgy legs could carry him, red-faced and breathless. His florid complexion contrasted rather nastily with the atrocious peacock-hued robes he was wearing, and Severus curled his lip in disgust at the sight.

Mopping his forehead with a large purple silk handkerchief, Seymore tried to compose himself as he marched up to the two Hogwarts professors. Flashing his mega-watt smile and turning on the professional charm, he addressed them cordially.

"Ahhh, my **dear** Professors McGonagall and Snape! I **do** hope that I haven't kept you waiting long! I was having **such** a time with Messers Black and Lupin as they perused their **fabulous** new rooms that I quite forgot the lateness of the hour. You know the old saying, 'time flies when you're having fun'!"

Severus just managed to stifle a snort as he watched the poncy nitwit. 'Fun' was not likely the adjective that he would have used to describe what Fancie had most assuredly gone through with those two. In all probability, the only thing 'flying' was Fancie himself if Black conducted himself in his normal childish manner.

"Well, now," Fancie continued as he gazed about the Hall. "As soon as Headmaster Dumbledore arrives, we shall proceed to your chambers, Professor Snape. I'm sure that you are just **quaking** in anticipation over seeing your newly decorated rooms!"

"As am I," came a droll voice from behind them. The three turned to see Albus Dumbledore strolling into the Hall, wearing an impish smile behind his snowy beard. "I'm quite certain that we are **all** anxious to see the changes wrought upon Severus' quarters by the accomplished Mr Whipplesworth and his two assistants!"

Albus' twinkling blue eyes came to rest upon Severus, who merely scowled fiercely at the revolting thought. That barmy old goat was having entirely too much fun at his expense.

"I see that we are all present and accounted for, so shall we proceed?" Dumbledore waved his arm genially toward the door as the others rose and began to file into the corridor.

"Albus, why on earth are you accompanying us on this?" Minerva spoke quietly to the tall figure beside her as she watched Snape stalking down the hall ahead of them. "I know for a fact that you just finished a meeting with some of the faculty, so why did you decide to go along now when you didn't oversee the unveiling of Sirius and Remus' cottage?"

Dumbledore chuckled behind his hand. "Well, I thought that, in light of exactly **who** decorated the dungeons, it might be a very good idea for me to come along. As a sort of calming influence, one might say!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The little procession stopped outside of Severus' quarters. Just as he was reaching for the ornate serpentine handles, Seymore stopped him. Ignoring the glare from the imposing teacher, Seymore happily jumped between him and the heavy oaken door.

"Oh no, dear Professor! You must stand aside and allow **me** to fling open the door and present your new rooms! We must get that initial reaction recorded on camera for all posterity, you know! Here now, let me adjust the camera and we'll be ready in a jiffy!"

He reached inside his robes and produced the little golden orb, tapped it with his wand and tossed it into the air where it hummed busily.

"Okay, now! Everyone ready? The moment of truth is at hand!" Fancie straightened his robes and launched into his official Trading Spaces speech. "Professor Severus Snape is standing just outside the door of his rooms here at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry which have undergone a redecoration of most **epic** proportions! You, the audience, will be seeing his **first** reaction to the **lovely** and **amazing** changes that have been performed by our **very** own Trading Spaces designer Kyle Whipplesworth and Professor Snape's colleague and friend, Professor Remus Lupin and Mr Sirius Black."

With a theatrical flourish, Seymore stood to the side, trilled "Professor Snape, allow me to introduce you to your **new** rooms!" and flung the heavy door wide.

"Welcome home to..... **Eden**!!" Seymore cried, flinging his head back and closing his eyes in ecstasy.

Three breaths were simultaneously sucked in and held as the spectacle before the three Hogwarts faculty members sank into their shocked minds. Moments passed as they digested the scene and tried to formulate words.

"It's so.....cheerful!" grinned Dumbledore, gazing around the veritable fairy-tale chamber in amazement.

"It's so.... **real**!" gasped McGonagall, staring at the grassy carpet with its bright blooms and lush trees.

"It's so..... **PINK**!" whispered Snape, as his voice took on its most deadly tone. He surveyed the room in undisguised horror and fury, taking in the rosy-toned walls, the fluffy clouds skittering across the azure ceiling and the cheery pink and green gingham of the wicker furniture. Taking a tentative step into the room, he felt the grass bend gently under his boot and disturbed a couple of crickets who hopped a few yards, then continued their cheerful chirping.

Severus had known that it would be bad, but this..... **this** was something that he couldn't have even conjured up in his worst nightmares. He could not have been more shocked and appalled if Voldemort himself had appeared naked and danced the can can across the grassy (grassy! how in the **hell**?!?) floor.

For once in his life, the razor-tongued Potions master was left speechless with rage. He was going to **kill** Black and Lupin. No, he was going to pillory them in the middle of the Great Hall and **then** kill them. Flay them alive, then boil them in oil in the largest cauldron that he owned. And, he might just tip Fancie and Snogwell in along with them for good measure.

Suddenly Fancie's twittering voice sounded behind him. "So, Professor Snape, what do you think of your new garden paradise? It's just **spectacular**! One of the most remarkable transformations I've seen on our little programme in quite some time, I might add." The pudgy designer looked around the room in reverence. "Much more likeable than that previously **morbid** look that it sported before!"

Severus rounded on Fancie, black robes swirling menacingly. "Where the **hell** is my furniture?"

"Oh, it's merely been shrunk and stored away," Seymore trilled, waving his hand. "Just **didn't** go with this **lovely** outdoorsy look at all, not in the **least**."

"Do you realize that one piece, just **one** piece of that furniture is worth more than every bit of this.....this cheap, garden-variety **junk** that your so-called **designer** and his two moronic cronies saw fit to desecrate my rooms with?" snarled Severus as he advanced on Fancie.

The stammering host took several steps backward. "Now, now, my dear Professor! Your lovely antiques are just fine, I'm **sure** , they've just been **replaced**. It does one good to change his surroundings every so often, you know! Change is a **good** thing!"

"Then perhaps I should **change** you into something, **Fancie**. Perhaps you would enjoy spending time as a slug, although I daresay that the change would be barely perceptible," Severus growled, narrowing his eyes at the trembling man.

"Now, now, Severus, let's not throw insults about," Dumbledore said soothingly, placing his hand on the irate teacher's wand arm. "Why don't you peruse the rest of your room? I must say, the changes **are** quite lovely. Perhaps I might think of doing something similar to my own office."

"Then why not take all of **this** garbage with you and let me have my own furniture back?" Snape was in no mood to be placated. He turned away from Fancie to face the headmaster when suddenly he caught sight of his private work area. Even from across the room, his sharp black eyes saw that something was terribly amiss.

Gone were the long stone work table and the massive stone shelves. They had been replaced by that disgusting wicker garbage, as had his massive mahogany bookcase. Severus drew in a horrified breath as he scanned his library. Most of the meticulously alphabetized and catalogued titles had been shifted, rearranged and placed in absolutely no semblence of order. Books were lying haphazardly on the corners of shelves, strewn around the desk and piled on the work table.

As he stalked toward the shelves, Severus gasped. His potions! All of the bottles and flasks had been moved, re-ordered and had their labels tampered with. It would take him **days** to get them back in their proper places and labelled correctly!

As Severus stood surveying the mayhem in stunned rage, fists clenching and teeth gritting, Seymore Fancie picked that most inopportune moment to play host again.

"Well, well, well, it seems that our **dear** Professor Snape is just **speechless** with joy over his perfectly **lovely** new rooms!" He was beaming into the whirring camera as the orb scanned the room. "Professor, would you like to comment to our audience, and tell them what **you** think of this most **glorious** new look?"

At that, Severus whirled around and virtually flew across the room, obsidian eyes blazing in demonic fury, teeth bared and wand raised. His normally sallow complexion was livid red and the vein in his temple throbbed. "Tell you what I **think** , will I? How about **this** for starters! AVADA....."

" **NO** Severus!" shrieked McGonagall as she lunged toward the maddened professor. She grabbed his arm, but he shook her off like a ragdoll.

"Expelliarmus!" cried Dumbledore, and Snape's wand flew toward him as he expertly caught it just as Seymore Fancie ducked to the floor, covering his face with his doughy hands in terror.

When the killing curse failed to strike him, the shocked and horrified host scrambled to his feet. An unmistakeable dark stain was spreading across the front of his garishly coloured robes and his eyes were wild with fear.

"You're **crazy**! All of you! This whole **school** is populated by insanity! **I** was crazy for agreeing to do this programme here! I'm **leaving**!!" The babbling designer raced for the dungeon door, barely taking the time to look backward at the three Hogwarts professors.

Severus jerked himself free of Dumbledore's and McGonagall's hold and headed for the door as well. Grabbing the whirring golden camera, he shouted after the fleeing host, "Forget something, Fancie?"

Although it had been many years since Severus had played Chaser for his Slytherin house team, his aim proved to be as true as it was in his youth. The small orb struck Fancie in the back of the head with a resounding, and most satisfying, thump.

With a screech that nearly knocked the paintings from the walls, Fancie doubled his speed and raced up the stairs as fast as his pudgy legs could carry him, his camera speeding along beside its owner. The terrified man didn't even notice when he knocked a curious Peeves out of the way in his haste to exit the castle at the highest rate of speed humanly possible.

The poltergeist had been anxiously awaiting the unveiling of the surly Potions master's quarters, hoping to needle Snape unmercifully. However, one glance at the nearly insane look in the dark-haired man's eyes caused the wicked grin to melt from his face and he zoomed off to find sources of amusement that would be less likely to obliterate him.

"Now, Severus, you really **must** calm down. Maybe a cup of tea would do the trick nicely," soothed Albus.

"Calm down? **Calm** down?!? **Look** at this place! It's been destroyed. It's been **desecrated**. My library has been wrecked, my potions mangled, my antiques removed to gods know where. There is no telling what catastrophic horrors those two **idiots** have wreaked upon my bedchambers and you are telling **me** to **calm** down?" Severus' eyes still sparkled in maddened rage.

"It's all **your** fault, Albus! This **idiotic** idea of yours! No, I **refuse** to calm down. Now, just **go**! I want to be **alone**!"

"But, Severus...."

" **GO**!!!"

Minerva and Albus decided that it would be for the best to leave their colleague to his solitude, at least for the time being. Glancing at one another, they headed out into the hall.

However, as Dumbledore quietly closed the heavy door to Snape's rooms, he mentally reminded himself to make arrangements for all of the Slytherin students to sleep in the Great Hall for the night, as he strongly suspected that the noises emanating from their Head of House's chambers would put the Shrieking Shack to shame. He also decided that it might be a good idea to place a warning spell of some kind around the castle, should Severus decided to pay a little surprise visit to Sirius and Remus before his temper had a chance to cool properly.


	15. Time To Clean House

Severus barely heard the door shut behind him. He was still staring in disbelieving fury at the lush garden before him that had formerly been his dungeon home. Grass! And trees, and flowers and a ruddy **waterfall** over in the corner!

Not to mention that **hideous** white wicker furniture. There was no telling what had become of his beloved antiques. Many had been from his family home and had belonged to the Snapes for centuries. All he had to say was that they'd better not have a scratch on them, not even so much as a **smudge** , or the Two Village Idiots would be paying dearly. And, he would certainly enjoy being the one to take it out of their miserable hides.

Well, Fancie had said that they had been shrunk and placed somewhere safe; hopefully he'd find them soon. It suddenly occurred to him that he might as well go on to his bedchamber and see what mayhem had been wreaked in there. Surely it couldn't top the botanical nightmare in his outer chambers!

With a snort, Severus stalked toward his bedroom, disturbing more crickets as he trod through the green grass of his floor. Cheerful chirping from one of the trees caught his attention, and he noticed a small nest of baby birds peeking curiously over at him. Perfect! Just what he needed to make his life complete.

Rolling his eyes, Severus stood at the door of his bedroom. It was now or never, and waiting would most assuredly not make whatever horrors dwelt inside disappear. Grasping the handle, he opened the door to reveal a bedchamber that would have nauseated even the Queen of the Fairies. Or, more likely, Gilderoy Lockhart, but then again there wasn't much difference in that respect.

The black-haired Slytherin snarled in rage as he advanced on the frothy, lacy bed. **His** bed! Gods, it looked like a huge, disgusting wedding cake had exploded in his room! Some sort of shimmering draperies veiled the huge, ornately-wrought brass four-poster, which was bedecked with a myriad of flower and ribbon garlands. Mounds of fluffy pillows were piled high on the creamy lace duvet.

Then he saw them. Right at the head of his bed, sitting on his pillow. The ultimate insult from those two depraved perverts--a pair of stuffed plush canines, a black dog and a grey wolf, tongues lolling out and humping each other merrily as their bright glass eyes watched him mischievously.

Whatever composure Severus had managed previously went right out the door at that sight. With a roar, he aimed his wand at the hapless pair of toys which exploded in a mass of cotton stuffing and black and grey fuzz. As the bits floated lazily through the air, Severus shouted "Incendio!", setting them ablaze. With almost demonic statisfaction, he watched the charred pieces cascade to the floor.

Turning to the bed, he waved his wand with maniacal fury, delivering the same fate to the numerous pillows residing there. Explosions of feathers and cotton filled the air, and soon the room was choked with smoke from the burning bedding. The filmy drapes disentegrated like strands of cotton candy and the French lace blackened and curled in on itself.

The infuriated Potions master turned on his heel only to trip over the ornate golden birdbath. With a colourful string of profanity, he heaved it across the room and watched in satisfaction as it slammed into the stone wall. His satisfaction was short-lived, however, because the force of the impact broke the charm, and revealed that the birdbath had formerly been his favourite parlour chair. It now lay shattered on the floor, causing a scream of pure rage to issue from his throat.

Severus was beyond reason now, and turned on the delicate gazebo which he blasted into oblivion with a snap of his wrist. By the time he was finished with it, there was hardly a piece of wood large enough to form a toothpick that was still intact.

The force of the explosion flushed out a couple of birds who had been seeking cover in the trees. They flew past Severus' head in terror, startling him and causing him to nearly fall backward. He whirled about, hoping to roast the little buggers before they got away, but was too late.

Snarling menacingly, he took out his anger on the heavily-laden pear trees flanking the bed. With a furious wave of his wand, he sent two streams of black energy toward them, causing the trees to explode into a veritable shower of wood splinters, charred leaves and bits of mangled fruit.

He was just about to send that hideously feminine bed into oblivion as well when something about the proportions stopped him. A well-directed stream of energy from his wand revealed that Black and Lupin had only used a charm to transfigure his original bed into this....this **travesty** of good taste. Of course, he would have to find out what they'd done to his fine linens; knowing those two perverts, he'd likely have to have them burned to get rid of the fleas and dog hair. Another angry blast from his wand caused the grassy carpet to disappear in a cloud of green sparks, revealing the original stone floor of his dungeon bedchamber. The comforting sight mollified the enraged man, at least somewhat.

_Now, to take care of that bloody ceiling._ Severus hated the outdoors, had always disliked the effects the sun had on his pale skin. That was one of the reasons that he had always felt more comfortable deep in the bowels of the castle. If his preference for the darkness and shadows only supported the rumours that he was part vampire, then so be it. It never hurt to have the students fear him even more than they already did.

He aimed his wand at the bright blue sky overhead and growled an incantation. Instantly, the enchanted ceiling returned to its normal state, the grey stone back in place as it should be.

Panting with exertion and rage, Severus surveyed the destruction of the fairy-bower bedroom. He would deal with cleaning it up later. Or, better yet, he'd see if he couldn't convince Dumbledore to make the Moron Twins come in and take care of it; after all, it **was** their fault.

On second thought, though, they'd probably only make things worse--return everything back to the Fairy Forest From Hell and then cast a charm to make it permanent. Oh, he'd get them back, you could count on that. One way or another, they'd pay for this.

Mulling over possible paybacks, Severus headed toward the door leading to his outer chambers. Just as he was about to exit the room, he looked up to see.....

_Oh. Holy. Fucking. Shit._ He blinked, shook his head and blinked again. The image that stared back at him from his beloved antique mirror had not changed one iota. Severus stared at the ridiculous image that smirked and winked salaciously back at him. It was **him** , but.....but with long **golden** **curly** hair! And in a **bloody** green dress with a **fucking** vulture-topped hat on his head! And **damn** , but that make-up job was horrid! Plastered on like an over-the-hill gutter whore trying to regain youth and failing miserably.

The mirror image gave him a simpering smile and blew him a kiss. With a voice that would make a banshee retch, it called "Hey, handsome, why waste all that energy on destroying perfectly good furniture? I've got something over here.....eeeekkkk!"

The mirror Snape fled as the real Snape came toward the glass with the leg of the shattered parlour chair. With one satisfying swing, he reduced the mirror to a cascade of glass shards. Seven years of bad luck? It couldn't possibly be worse than the last forty-eight hours.

With a last furious glance at the destruction that had once been his bedroom, his refuge from the rest of the world, Severus stalked into his outer chambers. The sight that met his eyes was just as disgusting as before, although he vowed that he would **try** to control his temper this time as he reversed the damages. If there was one thing that he hated most in his immensely long list of dislikes, it was losing his cool demeanor, especially in front of others.

He didn't even know where to begin in clearing up this mess. His potions were certainly a priority, but it would take days to sort them out. Perhaps it would be better to get rid of some of the flora making up the Garden From Hell, then he would be able to think more clearly. Besides, he felt an allergy attack coming on from all of the pollen floating about.

Stifling a sneeze, Severus aimed his wand at the grassy carpet covering his floor. Instantly, it disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving the bare grey stone exposed once more. Sighing in relief, he turned to stare at those perfectly **hideous** rose-coloured walls.

Putrid. How could **anyone** think that such a colour would be appropriate for a wall, especially in a **man's** room. Well, it was surely that pouf Black's idea, he was certain of that. Blast that man. Severus really hoped the sarcastic little shit was enjoying his scarlet bedroom walls and lascivious wallpaper companions. Maybe those wretched cherubs decorating the bed would shoot a few of their arrows into that overly-celebrated ass of his. Too bad he didn't think to poison the tips. Or, at the very least, taint them with an Impotency Potion.

Grinning evilly at that thought, Severus commenced with his work. The enchanted ceiling was dark now, and the velvety night sky was peppered with bright stars. It really wouldn't be so bad, he thought, if it would **stay** that way. Lovely darkness, with no hint of the sun.

Then he heard it. The clear, tinkling sound of barking. But....where? He'd destroyed both of those disgusting toys on his bed. Surely those two perverts hadn't left **more** of their wretched calling cards lying about? Just then, he looked up and saw the Dog Star Sirius twinkling brightly in the inky sky as sharp, piercing barks emanated from it, mocking him.

With a growl, Severus aimed his wand at the ceiling and blasted the charm out of existence, revealing the original stonework. Much better. Now to take care of those dreadful walls.

Aiming his wand at the rosy paint, he muttered an incantation that caused the paint to disappear in a puff of pink smoke. His beloved stone walls restored, Severus stood back to admire them with satisfaction. No need to decorate with all sorts of inane trinkets and photos when the stonework itself was intricate and interesting enough.

However, something was wrong. Something was missing, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. No shocker there, as he figured his retinas were probably permanently scorched from having to gaze upon this shocking display of bad taste for so long. Severus gazed around the room, then suddenly realized what was missing.

His Slytherin tapestry! Damn those two to hell! In a swirl of ebony robes, Severus whirled about, trying to discern where it might be. That tapestry was nearly as old as Hogwarts, having been commissioned by Salazar Slytherin himself to adorn the wall of the living quarters of his prized students. Its value was incalculable, which was exactly why it resided in his private quarters as opposed to the Slytherin common room. He could just imagine it becoming the unwitting recipient of a number of misplaced Dungbombs or, Merlin forbid, taken hostage by those stupid Gryffindors.

He finally spied it, reduced to a miniscule object, hanging over his framed Order of Merlin. And, not only had it been reduced, but it had been changed into the crest of Godric bloody Gryffindor! With a snarl of pure rage, the infuriated Potions master strode across the room, boots pounding menacingly on the stone floor with each step.

"Damn them!" he spat out. Hoping fervently that it was just a charm, he aimed his wand at the tiny red and gold tapestry and snapped out an incantation. With undisguised relief, he watched the precious object grow back into its normal proportions and return to the proud crest of Slytherin. After it had been restored, he levitated the heavy piece back across the room and into its proper position above the ornate mantle of the fireplace.

Checking quickly to make certain that his Order of Merlin had not been tampered with, Severus returned to the task of trying to return his chambers to some semblence of order and propriety. With a disgusted growl, he stalked back over to the immense bookshelves.

"Idiots!" he snapped, perusing his formerly meticulous library. No doubt it had been Black's idea to rearrange everything, but he felt fairly certain that Lupin had been all too eager to help. Having seen the werewolf's own shelves, it was obvious that order and perfection were hardly high on his list of priorities.

Grumbling to himself about the diminutive size of canine brains, he commenced to alphabetizing the hundreds of tomes he possessed. Perhaps the detailed work involved would help to calm him, although he felt relatively sure that even an entire bottle of the best Scotch in his liquor cupboard would be hard-pressed to accomplish **that** feat.

Irritably yanking a large book from its misplaced spot in the Q's, Severus looked down to see the smiling and very toothy visage of none other than Gilderoy Lockhart on the cover.

"What the....." he snarled, tossing the book to the floor in disgust. Why in Merlin's name that.... **thing** would be among **his** books was beyond him. He'd never even **read** one of that dandified cretin's ridiculous scribblings, let alone allowed one to taint his shelves.

"Black!" Damn him again! With a ferocious scowl, Severus began pawing through his library, finding literally every book that moronic fairy Lockhart had ever written scattered amongst his prized collection of ancient and illustrious books. Tossing each of the glossy and quite garish books behind him in an ever-growing pile, Severus finally rid his bookshelves of the plague.

Waving his wand toward the fireplace, Severus growled "Incendio", and watched in satisfaction as the flames leaped into life. Another flick of his wrist and the pile of books flew across the room, landing amongst the bright orange flames. With a loud crack, they burst into flame and were soon reduced to nothing more than charred bits of paper and smoldering ash.

"Good riddance," he purred, wishing that it had been the actual Lockhart he'd thrown onto the pyre, along with Black and Lupin. Just then, he noticed another book lying on the coffee table beside one of the revolting wicker chairs.

Snatching it up, he read the title: "Wanderings With Werewolves" by Gilderoy Fucking Lockhart. Was there no end to this literary torture? Scowling at the cover of the book, which of course was emblazoned with a simpering picture of Lockhart who grinned and winked repeatedly at him, Severus stomped over to the fireplace and tossed it in with the others.

The photo Lockhart screeched shrilly as the flames licked at his golden curls and Severus had to stifle a wicked laugh. Suddenly, his mirth was shattered when the charm broke and revealed that "Wandering With Werewolves" was actually his very old and **very** valuable Demonology book!

With a roar of fury, Severus yanked the book from the flames, burning his hand in the process and causing him to shriek a string of profanity that would have shocked even that foul-mouthed Black. The book was a bit charred about the edges, but relatively unharmed, thank the gods.

Still, the idea that such a valuable original work had come so close to being destroyed drove Severus back to the brink of barely contained rage. Casting his wand about in every direction, he took out his anger on the white wicker furniture which exploded into miniscule bits of charred rubble with a number of loud bangs. The cheery pink and green gingham cushions exploded into puffs of cotton batting and bits of material, all of which the enraged Slytherin torched with maniacal glee.

Turning to the willow tree that currently resided next to his Potions shelves, Severus took aim and blasted it into kindling. Whirling around at the sound of terrified squawking, he just had time to notice the baby birds abandoning their nest before he blasted their home into oblivion. The frightened creatures flew to the highest nook in the ceiling and huddled there, hoping to not draw attention to themselves from the demon in black below them.

A furious wave of his wand removed the potion vials and flasks to a safe perch before Severus blew the new wicker worktable and shelves to bits. When the original stone worktable and shelves reappeared, he flicked his wand to gently lower the delicate glass objects back into their accustomed spot. He'd deal with re-labelling them later when he was more in control of his temper.

Glancing around, he noticed that the waterfall and pond were still ensconced in the corner of the room. Striding purposefully over to the gently rushing water, he fully intended to remove it as quickly as possible, preferably relocating it to the center of Albus Dumbledore's bed.

However, as he stood looking at it, the sound of the gurgling water was strangely calming. He listened for a few moments, watching the brightly coloured koi darting in and out amongst the numerous plants. A couple even rose to the surface, obviously hoping for handouts. After a moment's thought, Severus conjured up a few pellets of food, which he tossed to the friendly fish.

_Well, maybe this isn't so bad_ The sound of the water **was** relaxing and he could always tell his students that he was keeping a pack of bloodthirsty piranhas in his chambers for those "extra-special" offenders. He could just imagine the look on Longbottom's face upon being threatened with being used as piranha chow.

Severus felt his blood pressure returning to normal. As he turned around, he noticed a small box sitting on the mantle. With some dread, he walked over, took it down and peered into it. He felt a small smile crease his features as he gazed upon his beloved antique furniture, reduced to miniature scale, but packed neatly and carefully. Every single piece was there, and not a scratch marred the highly polished surfaces.

Setting the box on the floor beside him, Severus waved his wand at the mass destruction littering his living quarters. Soon, all traces of the mess disappeared and he set about replacing his antiques and restoring them to their proper proportions.

After he'd finished with the outer chambers, he did the same with his bedroom. Surprisingly, he was even able to repair his shattered parlour chair such that one would never know that it had been broken. Thank Merlin for that, as it had been one of his favourites and he often used it for his late-night reading.

Standing in the doorway, the sable-headed man sighed with satisfaction. His rooms were finally back to normal, or would be once he managed to get his potions reassembled. That would take some time, but that sort of work did appeal to his meticulous nature.

Suddenly, Severus noticed the fairy light suspended in the outer chamber. How it had managed to avoid complete and total destruction during his rampage was beyond him, but it was unharmed.

Severus studied the light in amazement. He had seen one before, and had always admired them. It was an exquisite thing, so delicate and beautiful; the designer had either gotten it for a song or had gone over at least three episodes worth of budget to procure it. Frankly, he couldn't believe that Black had allowed such a lovely item to be used in the decorating of his most hated enemy's rooms. Probably all the designer's idea.

However, it did **not** match the decor of his rooms in the least. Severus favoured heavy, ornate antiques and the ethereal piece hardly qualified in that respect. It would have to go, unfortunately. He would not sell it--such a thing of beauty was far more appropriate for a gift. But to whom?

Not Dumbledore--he was still furious at the old man for humilitating him with this crackpot idea anyway. Besides, he'd probably end up letting that ruddy pet phoenix of his use it for a perch or something.

McGonagall, possibly. After all, she had been very amenable to letting him decorate the idiots' house unencumbered. She, however, tended to keep her quarters decorated in the most simple of manners. No frills, no fuss--just the basics. Comfortable but.....

Trelawny would give her eyeteeth for it, but he'd be buggered if he'd give that batty old dimwit **anything** but a one way ticket straight to St. Mungo's.

Then he thought of Lupin. The werewolf loved beautiful things, but could not afford much. He'd often caught the man looking wistfully at the many expensive antiques in his dungeon quarters and office while picking up his Wolfsbane Potion. Never staring, just looking at the pieces with appreciation and longing.

No surprise there--a werewolf could hardly hold a decent job and Severus felt fairly certain that Lupin's savings were pretty sparse. Now that he and Dogboy were living together, he seemed to look better--healthier, slightly better clothes. Still, probably not enough money for little luxuries, especially ones as costly as this.

He thought for a moment of the beautifully appointed bedroom that Snogwell had completed for the two men. It **had** been quite lovely, even if he hated to admit it to himself. By now, he was pretty sure that Lupin and Black had rid it of the many spells and charms he'd used to turn it into the Bordello From Hell, revealing the subtle beauty beneath.

The only thing that had marred the look was that hideous old lighting fixture. He thought he remembered that ninny Snogwell saying something about having gone over budget and not being able to get a new chandelier to match the new bedroom, but perhaps Severus had only imagined it. **He** certainly thought the old light was ugly, but hadn't given it much thought as he was far too busy with his lurid redesign of the bedroom.

Turning once again to look at the fairy light, Severus remembered that one of the enchantments involved in them was that they took on the colours of the room in which they were placed. He could just imagine the luminous array of russets and golds that would emanate from the delicate thing were it placed in Lupin's bedroom now.

Of course, why on earth he was even **considering** giving the light to that werewolf and his mangy mutt was beyond him. Nobody had **ever** accused Severus Snape of being the sentimental sort, so why he was thinking of doing something like this?

A niggling thought kept popping up in the back of his mind. What was that Dumbledore had said at the beginning of this revolting venture? Something about learning to get along with one another for the good of the cause? Perhaps he **should** try to do something..... nice. After all, Lupin had not really wanted to be party to this hare-brained scheme anymore than he had.

And, he **had** had more fun decorating that wretched cottage than he'd anticipated. Just the thought of the looks on their faces upon seeing it had caused him more fun than he'd had in a **very** long time. It was even more fun than stripping points from Gryffindors...... which he was going to have to curtail somewhat for the rest of the year, due to that agreement with Minerva.

On top of it all, he'd always had something of a soft spot for Lupin, not that he'd **ever** want anyone to know it. Many years ago, before the Shrieking Shack incident, he'd actually tried to initiate a friendship with the shy, intelligent boy and would not have minded if something more intimate could have come of it. Of course, with Black and Potter's interference, that had fallen by the wayside and he'd buried those feelings deep inside for the next two decades.

Making his decision, Severus used his wand to carefully disengage the light from the ceiling. He wrapped it securely in a box and cast several protective charms around it for added safety.

The Potions master rang the bell used to summon the house elves and, with a sharp crack, Dobby appeared. _Oh, great. The elf with the sock fetish_ he thought, but handed the package to the eager creature anyway.

"Take this to Professor Lupin's cottage in Hogsmeade, and do be careful with it. It's quite fragile," he muttered, dismissing the elf with a wave of his hand.

"Yes, Sir, Professor Snape, Dobby will be **most** careful with Professor's package!" With a loud pop, the little elf disappeared.

It took only a moment to place his ornate chandelier back into its appropriate spot, and Severus lit the candles with a quiet "Lumos". The low light illuminated his chambers, which were now back to normal. With a sigh of relief, Severus slumped back into the welcoming arms of his settee, only to feel something under the cushions.

Grumbling, he reached underneath and pulled out two **very** large dildos along with several gay porn magazines emblazoned with leather-clad wizards who grinned cheekily up at him and cracked their whips.

"Black, damn you, you mangy cur!" he shouted, wishing he could call Dobby back before the package was delivered to those two imbeciles.

He was just about to fling this last vestige of Black's perverted humour into the fireplace when he noticed that one of the wizards on the cover was.....rather.... well, fetching. Perhaps he should not be so rash after all.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometime later, a soft tapping interrupted Severus as he was finishing getting his potion bottles back in order. Looking toward the small window, he saw a large tawny owl waiting to be admitted. Lifting the window, he let the bird inside where it alighted on the worktable and thrust out its leg to deliver the letter. Severus took it, and the owl soundlessly flew back out the window.

A simple note, written in an elegant and graceful hand, said only "Thank you, Severus".

Smiling to himself, Severus poured a drink and settled into his favourite chair by the fireplace, contentedly listening to the refreshing sound of the waterfall in his koi pond. He could get used to this, he thought, especially after days spent trying to instill knowledge into the thick-headed idiot spawn of witches and wizards who had no business procreating.


	16. Doghouse Do-Over

Remus pulled from the wet, languorous kiss, his face flushed and lips kiss-swollen and ripe. He smiled up at Sirius, shaking his tawny head as he murmured, his mellifluous voice inflected with amusement, "I can't believe we just kissed like that in front of that camera for all of the viewing public to see!"

Sirius laughed and shrugged, "Ahh, come on, Moony, everyone in the wizarding world knows of our relationship since it came to bloody public light during the trial."

Remus nodded, eyes glancing past Sirius, to pin with a piercing golden glare the still cavorting wallpaper denizens, "Yes, but... well, there's no need to advertise that fact." He worried over whether he and Sirius would be regarded in much the same way as he regarded the naked revelers on the bedroom walls and rug.

Remus sighed and continued, "We should probably have... well, **controlled** ourselves better. I shudder to think how we will come off when they air that programme. We'll surely appear to be little more than hot-headed, carnally-inflamed, vindictive prats!"

Sirius snorted, "No more than Snape, I'd wager! Well, except for that carnal bit. The bloody git lives like some sort of monk, so he should fancy the **Eden** we made of his rooms!"

Remus smiled ruefully. "Hmmm... somehow, I don't think he will. He may have his rigid tendencies, but I highly doubt they have anything to do with religion." He stretched and yawned before sitting down lightly upon the bed, causing the cherubs to strike up their raucous noise again. With a howl of pain for his still-throbbing head, Remus leapt up again, regarding the bed darkly.

Sirius frowned. "I hate that noisy fucking bed and those fat winged mutants! You know... I hope Snape **hates** his garden theme as much as we hate this shite. I **really** hope plush Padfoot and Moony keep him up all night long howling in sexual glee. Would serve the bastard right for this bloody bed!" The black-haired wizard shot a contemptuous look at the cherubs, who seemed to mock him right back.

"I rather think he will despise what we did to his potions and books more so than the botanic theme," the werewolf said ruefully, gritting his teeth. "Sirius, I can not abide this atrocious bedroom one moment longer. I know we're supposed to leave it be for two days... but that's two days too long as far as I'm concerned, and besides, my Marauder pride asserts that rules are made to be broken."

Sirius nodded and laughed, stepping in close to wrap long arms around the lithe professor, burying his nose in the sweet-scented, golden-brown hair. "I heard that! Yeah, Remy, let's get rid of all of this bollocky shit and get our rooms back in order."

Remus embraced Sirius tightly and leaned up to press a quick kiss to the smiling lips before him. "Yes, let's," he smiled, stepping back and withdrawing his wand from his sleeve.

Sirius's eyes darted a lingering glance over the pile of toys and accessories and leather clothing. Remus, mistaking his glance, aimed his wand at the items, but Sirius shook his head quickly as he grabbed unto his lover's wrist. "Wait... wait, love... some of these things look rather **interesting** , don't you think?"

The ebony-haired wizard flashed a toothy grin at his mate as he strode forward to pick up the ankle and wrist restraints. "We might have a bit of fun with some of these! Leave off transfiguring these just yet....."

"Darling, alright... I'll leave the **toys** , but the clothes have got to go! I really do have to teach tomorrow and I refuse to wear ... those horrible, ignominious leather items!" Remus sputtered, eyes raking over the leather corset with undisguised contempt.

Sirius grabbed up the bondage trousers and two pairs of Remus' new leather g-strings. "Save these," he urged, pleading evident in his wide eyes.

"Why? I'm **certainly** not going to wear those things, you know," Remus countered as he looked dubiously at the rather over-the-top articles.

"Why not?! Come on, sweet! You can wear them for me, can't you?" Sirius whimpered. "Mmmm, you'd be dead sexy in these things! Please, Moonbaby!"

Remus rolled his eyes, but a smile quirked at his lips as he shook his head, "No, no.... not that **endearment** , Siri. It's embarrassing," he sighed, before shrugging as he finally murmured, "Alright then, I'll leave those things alone. BUT only if you also agree to wear that collar and those boots for me."

"Aaaacchhh! Remy, the collar I'll do, but **those** boots -- no! I'm sorry, babe, I just... no, not the bitch boots. Not my style. They're bloody **effeminate** , Moony!"

"Well, then, I'm not wearing those ruddy g-string thongs, then. They're **bloody effeminate** too," Remus pouted, crossing his arms.

It was Sirius' turn to roll his eyes. "Fine, fine! I'll wear the poncy bitch boots then! Gods, that's humiliating! If word ever leaks out that these things were ever on my feet, Moony, I'll tell Harry about that time you were drunk off your arse and mistook Prongs for me and tried to ravish him in the dormroom that night!"

Remus gasped. "You wouldn't dare!"

Sirius grinned, eyes twinkling, "I would! If you ever tell anyone about the ruddy boots, I'm spilling the beans about poor traumatized Prongs and the lube..."

"Aaaahhh! Stop, stop! I'm still humiliated about that! Okay, Siri, it's a deal. No one will ever hear about the boots. Now, let's not mention that embarrassing ... **incident** again."

Sirius chuckled, "Merlin! I've never seen James so shocked into utter silence like that! He moaned that you had **molested** him for days afterward." He grinned at the memory of James and his melodramatic reaction.

"Stop prattling on about it, Sirius! I mean it!" Remus sputtered.

"Well, lucky it was just your finger and not your..."

Growling, Remus aimed his wand at Sirius, sparks flying from the end of it as the black-haired wizard literally yelped -- a high squeaky yelp reminiscent of the Pomeranian curse charm that Snape had inflicted on the brunette weeks before. Remus had discovered how to dispel the charm, which meant he also learned how to use it.

Sirius' eyes widened and he yipped loudly several times in succession, gesturing frantically at Remus.

The werewolf shook his head slowly, "I'm sorry, Siri, but... well, if I remove the charm, do you promise to quit speaking of that.... embarrassing incident?"

Sirius bobbed his head quickly up and down. Remus nodded and smiled, then aimed his wand again, restoring Sirius' voice to its normal deep luster.

"Moony! That was so low! A fucking Pomeranian! How undignified! I ought to pull the same thing on you, but... I won't because I'm too big a wizard to do that to my lover, unlike you," Sirius whined, face hangdog as he turned away from Remus ready to wind up a good pout.

Remus chuckled, "No, you won't do it to me because you don't know the spell!"

Sirius growled softly, shaking his head but remained with his back turned toward Remus.

Remus' face contorted then with a tracing of guilt and he quickly moved forward, embracing his lover from behind. "I'm sorry, love. You're right. I... I shouldn't have done that. That was wrong. I'm just... a bit frazzled and in a rotten mood but I shouldn't have taken my frustration out on you. I love you, Paddy."

Sirius smiled slowly, his hands sliding down to cover Remus' long, pale hands as he leaned back against the slender wizard. "I know, Moony. I know you're upset,... and I should have known better than try to bait you. Listen.... let's just get the rooms back the way they were and we'll both feel better. Why don't you take the bedroom since it obviously bothers you more than it does me and I'll go see what I can do about the fucking snake pit in there."

Remus sighed and nodded, nuzzling into the silken black hair of his mate. "Okay, that sounds like a good plan, Siri."

Sirius turned in Remus' arms, his face alight once more with a grin as he leaned down to press a brief, searing kiss on his lover's lips."Alright then, let me go see what I can do to that bloody Slytherin den then! I might just burn it down..."

Remus smirked and nodded, relinquishing his lanky lover. Sirius turned to stride from the bedroom, winking at Remus over his shoulder.

Remus smiled and watched him leave before turning around to gazed over the **bordello** , sighing again loudly. He shook his head and stepped up to the Roman orgy rug, scowling in displeasure at the busily bobbing buttocks below him. "Sorry to break up your little fete, fellows," he murmured, aiming his wand at the rug. "But, Sirius and I are just not into the Caligulan Chamber of Debaucherybit."

A flash erupted from his wand and he watched in relief as the writhing orgy participants melted away to reveal instead a large area rug resplendent in shades of rich vermilion, soft copper, amber, rust and ocher. "Oh!" Remus grinned, "Infinitely better!"

Smiling in pleasure and bemusement, Remus knelt down to run his fingers over the soft fabric. Now, this was nice and **much** more suited to his and Sirius' tastes.

He stood up a moment later, wondering what other treasures might be revealed once he lifted the transfiguring charms. Apparently, Mr Snogwell had redecorated the room initially, only to be trumped by his vindictive Hogwarts colleague. Severus had obviously overlaid the furniture, walls and floor with his own spiteful and very vulgar stamp meant to humiliate and degrade him and Sirius completely.

Remus aimed his wand at the gaudy red drapes and watched in curious pleasure as the curtains shimmered, the illusion falling to reveal raw golden silk that fell in rich, rolling waves of fabric to the floor, complimenting the rug nicely. Remus smiled broadly, nodding his head and murmured softly, "Yes, yes... now, that's more like it."

Remus hummed slightly to himself until he realized with a nasty shock that he was humming the blasted "Trading Spaces" theme song. He stopped humming immediately, a rueful smile alight on his face as he turned and flicked his wand toward the bed to reveal a lovely mahogany four-poster with intricate wrought-iron designs on the headboard and footboard.

The beautiful bed was covered in luxurious sheets and a comforter of varying gold, rust and ocher shades that complimented the rug and drapes nicely. Remus smiled brightly. Beautiful!

Still smiling happily, he stepped up to run his hands appreciatively over the fine, silken fabric, thinking to himself that he might send an owl to Mr Snogwell to thank him for the lovely additions to his and Sirius' bedroom. This was quite fine indeed.

The professor then turned to regard the sex-centric wall design, frowning at the bacchanalian denizens contorting and thrusting so lewdly and openly... and **nakedly**. It was going to give him great pleasure to get rid of the horny houligans currently humping on his walls. He stalked closer, grinning in triumph at the little people who thrashed and rolled as he lifted his wand.

Eyes sparking fire, he aimed and watched in satisfaction as the people looked up into blazing, demonic gold eyes and shrieked in small, fearful voices, as the wand sparks flashed and they curled and twisted, their sinuous forms fading to be replaced by ... _Oh fucking dear!_... blood red, fleur-de-lis flocked wallpaper.

"Errrggh," Remus muttered, "That's not much bloody better, but at least it's not moving."

Frowning, he decided to try again. Surely, Snogwell had not intended this ghastly paper to match the lovely bed, rug and drapes. He stepped back and aimed his wand one more time. The walls shimmered, the flocked wallpaper disappearing then to reveal rich, brownish red walls. Remus sighed in relief, golden eyes closing, as a smile wreathed his features -- serene and angelic once more.

Feeling rather like he did as a child at Christmas, Remus then turned to aim his wand at various points throughout the bedroom, laughing in glee as a beautiful new armoire, bombe chest and bronze lamps were revealed to his eager gaze.

Finally, stepping back and casting shining amber eyes over the newly transformed and beautiful bedroom, Remus grinned widely, shoulders slumping in visible relief. "Yes, now **this** will do quite nicely, quite nicely indeed," he murmured softly, smiling to himself. ~~~~~~~~~

Meanwhile...Sirius stalked with determined purpose into the living room, wand out before him to face the dreaded twisting, curling, slithering, slimy snakes, the putrid green walls and morbid black furniture.

His lip curled up in a sneer as his eyes gazed over the Slytherin-inspired colour theme. Well, first things first! Growling softly, he aimed his wand at the ghastly green walls, and smiled as sparks shot from his wand, hitting the painted surface and melting it away to reveal pale, cream-coloured walls.

Sirius nodded resolutely, smiling grimly, as he then turned to aim his wand at the heavy, ugly, brocade drapes. "Ugly as a Tebo's nasty arse!" he grumped aloud, as he watched the sparks fly from his wand, alighting on the heavy drapes.

The Animagus watched curiously as the drapes misted and reverted back to lacy curtains. To be truthful, Sirius had never been overly fond of the lacy curtains, finding them somewhat... prissy really, but... he had a new-found appreciation of them, now that he had some basis of comparison, that is.

With a gleam in his bright silvery blue eyes, Sirius turned, jaw clenched, and aimed his wand at the twisting, snaky twin table lamps. "Now," he gritted, "You! Good bye and good fucking riddance, you nasty little biting fucks!!"

He smiled in satisfaction as the lamps shimmered and transformed back into the simple but pleasant little lamps Remus had placed there years before.

Sirius nodded, pleased. So far so good, the hose-nosed git had not managed to bungle things up permanently at least.

"Now to get rid of this fucking hideous couch," Sirius muttered, pointing his wand at the black satin upholstered settee. He smiled in gleeful triumph as the black satin faded and revealed a muted tapestry of colour-- a tasteful blending of tan, beige, forest green, brown and slate blue in a sylvan, masculine design with accents of dark walnut.

"Hmmm... not bad, not bad at all! Remus will love it!" he smiled, as he turned to aim his wand then at the coffee table and end tables. He grinned to see them revert back into tasteful dark walnut pieces that matched the wooden accents of the new couch.

"Siri, the bedroom is fine now," Remus called, smiling broadly as he strolled into the living room, "Truly fine. Mr Snogwell has good taste it appears. Come see it! ... Oh, ... I **love** the new couch and tables!"

Sirius grinned, "I thought you might!"

Remus sank gratefully unto the couch. "Mmmm, quite comfy! Roomy too," he winked saucily, causing Sirius' eyes to gleam as he settled down beside his lover on the couch, leaning forward for a kiss, but...

The doorbell rang and Sirius pulled back scowling, "Who in Hades could that be?! Surely not that poofy prat Fancie again!"

Remus arched his brow, his mouth quirking to the side as he rose from the couch and made his way to the door. He peered through the peephole but there was no one there.

Just as he turned away, shrugging at Sirius, the doorbell rang again and Remus opened the door, peering intently straight ahead and wondering if Harry was goofing about in his Invisibility Cloak again.

"Mr Professor Lupin sir," a small voice squeaked and Remus peered down, surprised to see a little house elf standing there holding aloft a large package.

"Oh.... errr... Bobby! I didn't see you there! Come in!" Remus waved the elf inside.

Dobby blushed, "Dobby, sir, Mr Professor. Mr Professor Snape, sir, asked Dobby to bring you this, sir."

"Please, Dobby, just call me Remus. Professor Snape sent something to us?" Remus asked, tawny eyebrow arching higher on his forehead.

"Don't take it! Don't open it, Rem!" Sirius squawked, hurrying to the door.

"Dobby was to bring Mr Professor Remus, Sir, this package from Professor Snape sir... okay, may Dobby go now, Sir?" the elf asked, beaming up at Remus, his large eyes blinking.

"Err..... yes, you may leave. Thank you very much, Dobby," Remus murmured, taking the package from the elf and turning it over in his hands carefully.

Sirius closed the door and watched with trepidation as Remus walked to the couch slowly, staring intently at the package in his arms. He sat down and shrugged up at Sirius, "I wonder what this could be?"

"I don't know! I don't know if I **want** to know! Don't open it! It's probably the charred remains of those poor birds we left in the git's chambers!" Sirius urged, trying to snatch the package from Remus' hands.

"Let go, Siri!" Remus argued, pulling the package free. "Oh, surely even he wouldn't do something like that! At any rate, we're never going to know if we don't open it."

"What if it explodes or something shitty like that!" Sirius countered hotly. "Here, give it to me to open, Moony!"

"No. It was sent to me so I should be the one to open it."

"Well... I don't much like that, Rem!"

"I know you don't, but nevertheless I need to open it," Remus muttered, darting a quick, reassuring smile up at his mate.

Sirius sighed and slumped back against the seat, watching with some alarm as Remus carefully opened the package.

"Oh!!" Remus gasped and Sirius jerked forward.

"What is it, Moony? Something awful?" Sirius barked, leaning forward to peer intently into the box.

"No... not at all," Remus murmured, lifting the beautiful, delicate fairy light from the box.

Sirius gaped.

A beaming smile of sheer delight and surprise lit up the werewolf's ivory features as he turned to Sirius. "I can't believe he sent this..."

"Are you sure it's not booby trapped -- perhaps with real fairies with more of those blasted tiny arrows, hiding in there..."

"Oh, Padfoot! Don't be silly! No, it's a gift! Severus sent us a gift. Oh...now I feel rather guilty about what we did to his rooms..."

"I don't!" Sirius muttered, but at the look leveled at him from piercing golden eyes, he withered, shoulders slumping as he shrugged, "Maybe he thought it was so atrocious that he wanted to send it back to you."

Remus shook his head, smiling a bit, "Or maybe he was just being kind."

"Woah! Snape and **kind** should never be uttered in the same sentence together!" Sirius argued.

"Sirius, quit being so damn pig-headed," Remus corrected. "There is nothing wrong with this light. Severus sent it as a gesture of kindness and goodwill. Perhaps he does like his rooms after all. Who knows? I think it's lovely and you know I've always wanted one... let's put it up in the bedroom!"

Sirius scowled, still not entirely sure about the fairy light. Knowing Snape, he wasn't entirely certain that the thing wasn't charmed to explode as soon as they illuminated it.

Remus rolled his eyes and reached out to take Sirius' hand lightly in his own. "Padfoot, all of us are guilty of being disreputably mean on this little decorating venture. If I've learned anything over the past couple of days, I've learned that you and I are just as capable of treating Severus with unjustified contempt as he is us. We really should try to get along better. I mean... we're not boys anymore and it's just... ridiculous or us to act like we are! Why are we still hanging on to schoolboy grudges? Hmmm? I'm a bit ashamed that it was Severus who made the first overture of apology and friendship here -- it really should have been us..."

"Why should it have been us?" Sirius argued stubbornly.

"Because, Sirius, there are two of us. We have each other. We have Harry. We have friends and loved ones and a life together and shared memories and experiences. We have sex, Padfoot. Now, Severus.."

Sirius' eyes widened, Remus' words cutting through the irritation that always rose in his gorge when it came to Severus Snape and he stared at Remus, comprehending. "Wait... that's enough. You're right, Remus," Sirius interrupted.

Remus smiled in pleasant surprise. "You agree with me, Siri?"

"Well.... I don't know if I really agree with **everything** you said, but... well, I do see your point though," Sirius admitted a bit reluctantly.

Remus nodded, still smiling, "I thought you would. Now, I think I should thank Severus for his considerate and quite lovely gift. Would you care to accompany me?"

"Remus! No! I mean, I do see your point, but... gods... give me time yet! I'm not yet fucking ready to take tea with the pra... professor, he amended hastily. "Can't you just owl him?"

Remus tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Yes, I suppose I can. But... don't you think we should try to work harder at trying to get along?"

Sirius rolled his eyes before they alighted on a glossy copy of "Cats" magazine. He frowned a bit, "Bloody cats..." he muttered, before darting a glance up at his smiling, amber-eyed lover. "Well... alright, but... first, I want to get rid of the git's little calling cards that he left behind for us like that sodding magazine!"

Remus chuckled and stood up from the couch. "Alright, you take care of that, love, and I'll go owl Severus a very simple thank you." He then leaned forward, sealing his lips to his lover's in a brief, sweet, searing kiss.


	17. Epilogue: The Aftermath

Kyle and Todd were sitting in the dining room of the Horse and Hound, having a celebratory drink after the experience they had just had in decorating the rooms of the warring Hogwarts faculty. Both were giggling and trading stories of their respective decorating partners when the door of the inn flew open to reveal a dishevelled Seymore Fancie.

Robes askew, hair in a mess, he bounded over to the table and tossed his golden camera to a startled Todd, who just managed to catch it before it landed in their pot of tea.

Babbling almost incoherently about getting out of show business, needing an extended vacation in the South of France and turning over the reins of the programme to his "highly trusted designers', Seymore raced out of the room and disappeared.

Kyle and Todd looked at one another in shock.

"What in the bloody hell was **that** all about?" Kyle asked, looking at the camera in amazement.

"I'll bet he just showed Professor Snape his new garden of Eden," Todd said with a titter. "I can just **imagine** what Mr Tall, Dark and Vampy thought about **that**!"

Kyle just laughed softly and shook his head. He'd always wanted to host his own show, but never thought the opportunity would come about this soon. It would certainly be an experience. And, the first order of business would be to get rid of those poofy Trading Spaces robes!

~+~+~+~+~+ FIN ~+~+~+~+~+~


End file.
